Accepting Acceptance

Humans deeply need love and acceptance, so it may be surprising that they can have so much trouble accepting it.  People may turn away compliments, shut down attempts to get to know them, or reject others before they can be rejected.  How can beings who so desperately need relationships with other humans fight so hard against it?  Why do people shut down, keep distance, run at the first sign of disagreement, dismiss compliments, or refuse help that would truly make a positive difference in life?

The fear of acceptance is often closely bound with the fear of rejection.  Accepting the acceptance of another person can feel wrong to someone whose negative core beliefs include beliefs in their own worthlessness, etc.  It can feel threatening to someone who fears having the newfound love and acceptance pulled away from them later when more is revealed and vulnerability is increased.  Acceptance can also trigger fear of being overwhelmed by another and losing one’s own identity.

Good boundaries can allow us to accept love from others more readily.  For example, when you know that accepting a compliment does not mean owing the one who gave the compliment, you can simply say, “Thank you!” and take the compliment.  Without fearing undisclosed strings, you can reasonably accept appropriate help, gifts, or encouragement; if strings turn out to be attached, you can communicate your wish that this had been made known earlier and can discuss ways to settle things in the present.  You can use the information available to make the best decision possible regarding the acceptance of love and help from others.  In contrast, constant fear of obligation can lead to dismissing truly well-intentioned and beautiful gifts from others.  Knowing yourself and having a foundation for your own identity can enable you to enter relationships with others without that you will lose who you are.

Two relationship styles that are rooted in early attachment experiences are avoidant, which involves avoiding intimacy or obligation, and ambivalent, which involves maintaining complicated mental dances and giving “come-here-go-away” messages.  A third, known as disorganized, can involve even more extreme defenses against vulnerability and can even become more offensive than defensive.  All of these can happen when we learn early to fear the very thing we need: human relationship.

If you have difficulty accepting the acceptance of others, begin by accepting yourself.  Difficulty accepting yourself can make it hard to trust others who accept you.  Engage with God, and ask Him for help to accept the way He made you, as well as to allow Him to change things about you that are not what He originally designed.  Regarding the way He made you, accept that you are a created being and that God did not consult you about the way He made you.  Nor should He have done so.  He likes the way He made you.  You can resist it, or you can learn to love what He loves about you.  Satan influenced human beings not to revere God as our Creator, but, when we reject the plan of our Creator, we reject ourselves.  Accepting God’s will gives us grounds to accept who we actually are, but this can be so difficult to learn to do.  So say to God, “I don’t understand why You love me, like me, know how to do this, etc.  I need Your help.”

We all get hurt.  The healthier we get, the more insight and options we have.  Be aware of your feelings when you get scared, and be gentle with them.  Take a breath.  See how it feels to experience acceptance.  Recognize your fear of not being able to keep the acceptance.  Accept that you are not God, and recognize that the One Who is loves you.  Notice the shame operating and remind yourself of the truth.  Shame blocks us from seeing and honoring our true feelings.  It leaves us thinking we have to be better, and under its influence we may strive to be perfect to avoid drawing more shame.  Courageous self-acceptance begins with believing that God is happy with how He made you, and that He paid for your failures with Jesus’s death on the cross, after which He rose from the dead, defeating the shame and death that the cross entailed.  The enemy of our souls tries to undo and redo truth, but real truth sets you free.  Pursue the truth.  Say the truth.  Choose to believe the truth.  As an adult, you get to choose whether or not to believe the shame. 

Perfectionism can make it difficult to accept yourself or to trust others who accept you.  Remember, perfectionism is not just a quirk or the legitimate pursuit of excellence.  Satan was made by God in a way that was perfect, but he did not want to be at the level of a created being.  He wanted to be like God, and he harmed everyone with the perfection that had been gifted to him by God.  When we indulge in perfectionism, we also harm ourselves and others with our pursuit of being something more than the human beings we are.  We try to be more than human.

So allow the feelings that come with all of this, but manage your behaviors and teach yourself new thoughts.  Learn to be happy with who you are and to accept God’s happiness with you.  When you do this, those who love you will be happier, too.  Accept God’s acceptance.  He wants you to enjoy you as much as He does.