A.N.G.E.R. is for Survival, Not Superiority (Replay of 1-15-23)

Anger is a gift that helps us survive and protect, but it can also be used to destroy or to protect the wrong things in the wrong ways.  Especially when paired with fear, anger can enable us to do things we would not or could not otherwise do.  The adrenaline it triggers to flow through our bodies can energize us, helping us to confront wrongs and face fears that need to be faced -- look at all the improvements that have been made because someone got sick and tired of the way things were!  Unfortunately, anger can also be used to scare, manipulate, intimidate, and take advantage of others.  It can enable us to act as if we are superior to those around us, to avoid accountability or the need to follow rules. It can influence others to accept bad behavior.  When anger and fear are paired together, they can annihilate a relationship.  Violence – even verbal or emotional violence -- is hard to repair.  Misdirected anger and anger expressed without morality can even be deadly.  When a person settles into anger as an ongoing emotional state, it can dominate all of life.  Such ongoing anger is very hard on the body since the body is not meant to absorb adrenaline constantly, and it is brutal on relationships.

There are lots of misconceptions about anger, such as that anger is a bad emotion, one that healthy people don’t feel.  Some people fear their own anger so much that they have trouble finding it, perhaps even allowing themselves to be mistreated regularly rather than get mad enough to confront the situation.  Some are embarrassed by their own anger or think it is not Christian to be angry, but this is not biblical.  In fact, anger is simply an emotion and, as such, is neither good nor bad in and of itself.  Anger is normal (though living angry is not and should not be).  The failure to manage anger appropriately is what brings harm, not the anger itself.  Anger does not take away our choices; it simply energizes us to carry out the choices we make.  Anger can give us the courage to set boundaries appropriately, or it can prompt us to ignore the reasonable boundaries of others or the boundaries that exist for us.

Anger is a defense mechanism intended to keep us and others safe.  You do not have to feel powerless to your anger.  When you have a grasp on it, you can make sure it doesn’t control you.  Anger has its own patterns, and these can give insight about yourself.  Acknowledge and assess your own anger; this helps you know what to do to manage it well.  Make sure you are aware of all your emotions (happy, mad, sad, scared) and that these are integrated so that you are not using one to avoid another; for example, don’t use anger to avoid feeling sadness.  Learn ways to manage your anger and to express it constructively.  Deep breathing may seem like a cliché, but remember that oxygen helps your body to absorb adrenaline instead of simply releasing more; this allows reason and logic to return.  Learn to remove yourself from situations when necessary.  Make needed changes in lifestyle.  Talk to yourself about your anger in ways that are true and helpful (e.g., “I can express anger appropriately, and I can stay calm.  I can relax my body.  I can take deep breaths to give my brain oxygen.”).   Consider times that you have seen anger handled well, and learn from those.  Journal.  Talk to yourself in the mirror, role-playing how you might handle situations.

As an acrostic to help you remember what it looks like when anger is used productively, Cinthia suggested the following:  When anger is done right, it can be…

• Awesome as it paves the way for deeper connection

N-   Nice if you speak the truth with kindness

G-   (Resulting in) Good as you seek win-win-solutions

E-    Energy-creating as it frees you to move forward instead of getting stuck

R-   (You become) Real when you are honest with yourself and others

When done wrong, however, anger can be…

• Aggressive, fighting only to win and not listen

N-  (Accomplishing) Nothing

G-   Greedy

E-   (Too) Easy, allowing us to dump our problems on others instead of doing the work to deal with them. 

R-   (Feels so) Right when I am unloading on someone, feeling self-righteous, unleashing my feelings without building anything up

Remember, anger is neither good or bad; it’s how we handle it.  So how do you handle it?  What happens in your life when you give yourself over to anger?  Do you leave the room or hang up the phone?  Swear?  Shut down?  Change the subject?  Gossip?  Play the martyr?  Withhold affection?  Deny the problem or other parts of reality?  Accuse?  Name-call?  Do you tend toward aggression, passivity, passive-aggression?  Ask others what your anger feels like to them.  Then describe a time you have witnessed anger done right.  What did you see?  What do you want to learn to do with your anger?  Remember, anger done right helps relationships to thrive.  Learn the difference between the satisfaction that comes from well-handled anger and the immediate gratification that comes from acting like a toddler or teenager.  What would it be like to learn to face your anger?  Anger is a gift that can help keep you alive, but you don’t need to defend yourself from everyone.  Own your anger.  Take responsibility for the times you have handled it poorly.  Start to integrate the following elements in your approach to anger:  Be honest.  Be kind.  Slow things down.  (E.g., Step back physically.  Breathe.  Assure the other person that there is time for discussion rather than urgency to say everything quickly.)  Listen.  Empathize, even if you don’t agree. Seek a win-win solution.  Compromise where possible without going against your value system.  Anger can help you survive without serving as a tool for pushing down other people.