Let Them Love You

Do you let people love you?  Do you accept gifts graciously, receive compliments kindly, and gratefully experience help when it is offered?  If not, you aren’t alone; many people minimize compliments, feel uncomfortable with gifts and kindnesses given, and even reject help offered despite really needing it.  We all need love, but it can be harder to receive than we might expect.  Today Cinthia encourages us to allow ourselves to be loved, examining some reasons we may not do so and offering alternative responses that are more gracious. 

Reasons for struggling to accept love can include suspicion or difficulty trusting others.  We may wonder if there are “strings” attached to a gift or fear that accepting a kind gesture will put us in debt to another person.  But a gift is, by definition, offered without the expectation of payment.  Receiving kindly means expressing appreciation, perhaps giving an authentic “thank you,” perhaps even telling the person what their kindness means to us or saying something like, “You made my day.”  But we are not obligated to “mind-read” and try to figure out whether the giver may secretly be expecting something in return.  We have to practice not “reading into things” more than we should.  If there is no obvious reason to fear an ulterior motive, most often we can graciously accept the gift as it is presented.  In fact, this is a mark of good boundaries: we allow others to be responsible for their communications and take responsibility for our own.  If there are conditions we do not know, we can ignore them unless and until they are communicated.  If it turns out that the giver was expecting reciprocity, we can respond to that when we learn of it, perhaps saying something like, “I wish I had known that you expected that in return; I am not able to do that.  What can I do now?”  In some cases we might even return a gift, explain that we will not be able to accept further help, etc.  In many cases, however, this does not become necessary.  Actually, lots of people sometimes enjoy doing nice things for others, giving gifts, or being kind without trying to set up recipients to be in their debt.  Why drain their joy and our own by undermining their kindness with our suspicions?  Train yourself in the following boundary: “I don’t have to be a mind-reader.”  Receive with kindness.

Another reason for rejecting kindness, grace, help, or gifts can be a sense of embarrassment or shame at being seen as vulnerable, weak, or in need.  This can be especially true with those closest to us; sometimes we find it easier to accept help from strangers than to be known and assisted by those who are close to us.  But covering is a function of love.  Different than enabling (which protects sin), love grants us protection while we are in the process of repentance and change.  God does this for us without limit.  People do have limits since our endurance cannot match His, but people who love us can offer us safe harbors in which to change rather than exposing us throughout the process, just as we can do for them.  Allow those who love you to support you as you change.  Receive their support with kindness.

Sometimes we struggle to accept gifts, help, or kindness because we believe we do not deserve such good things.  Often, this is because we are choosing to believe our own negative feelings, but this does not justify insulting the giver by refusing to receive or trying to pay for what is freely offered.  The one who shows mercy offers a blessing; don’t steal from the person trying to bless you.  Acknowledge and accept compliments, whether or not you believe them.  Allow the love extended to effect healing in you.  Do not give back simply to fix the uncomfortable feeling you have when someone gives you something.  Recognize where you end and the other person begins; your discomfort is a part of your experience and something you must address, not something to project onto the other person.  Receive kindly.

Cinthia read several verses from I Corinthians 13, which is often called “the Love Chapter.”  She emphasized that it is good to love.  You can practice good boundaries while giving and receiving.  You can do things to help without getting entangled in someone’s entire life.  Our society has lots of trouble with relationships now, but human beings still need time, love, space, hope, kindness, and to be seen.  Receive kindly.  Practice phrases that help you extricate yourself if you have jumped in too deeply.  Basic courtesy and kindness are not a commitment to be in each other’s lives long-term.  Friendliness does not have to be repaid. 

Intimacy involves a deeper level of giving and receiving love.  It is not something we should try to experience indiscriminately in our relationships since it requires far more trust and vulnerability than simple kindness, friendliness, courtesy, or politeness (though these things certainly should still be present in our intimate relationships); it is often reciprocal in some way but does not involve the “keeping score” kind of reciprocity.  Cinthia read a passage from God Calling entitled “Friend of Mine,” which explores what God is like in His role as our “Great Friend.”  We can learn from Him how to be safe for intimacy.  Intimacy can hurt and harm like nothing else can if not protected and respected, but it is also important for human flourishing.  Cinthia reviewed six types of intimacy: physical (which can include but is not limited to sexual intimacy; can also involve physical touch with close friends, family, and caregivers), emotional (revealing our souls to one another and trusting that it will be safe to do so), experiential (learning with someone, doing and experiencing things together), intellectual (relating mind to mind, understanding things together in a way that helps people to bear them better), creative (working together to make something special, to leave a mark on the world), and spiritual (telling each other what God has done for us, what He has said to us, seeking to know Him together).  Intimacy requires a higher level of willingness and skill in giving and receiving love.