Why Don't You Believe Me?

Have you ever told the truth and yet not been believed?  Have you ever struggled to know whether to believe someone else?  Distrust can be painful on both sides, but knowing what to believe can be difficult.  Today Cinthia tackles the dual topic of trusting and being trusted, starting with the statement that everything is a risk. 

Trust is necessary for life, and trust is always a risk.  Belief in anything is a risk, but no one can take a step without putting his weight somewhere.  Even our day-to-day tasks require trust in objects, systems, and people.  Relationships require trust, and all of us have had variable experiences trusting others. 

That said, some people are better risks than others; some people show us that they are more trustworthy, while others show us that they are not.  Are you a good risk for other people?  What do you show others with your life?  First, make sure that you are a good risk.  Don’t pretend.  If people are trusting you, they are risking on you.  If people are talking to you, they are risking on you.  Be a good risk.

Wanting to be trusted is a risk because it hurts to want trust and not receive it, especially when one has worked hard to be trustworthy.  God takes that risk with us.  He is completely trustworthy; we can take Him at His Word.  He even engages with us as we challenge Him, though we should not disrespect Him.  But still we question Him over and over, struggling to believe He exists, wondering if He loves us, grasping for control of our lives because we trust our own plans more than we trust His.  Jesus’s disciples did not really understand or trust His love until after He had died for them and come back to life, and even then they struggled with doubt, confusion, and the need for reassurance.  Human beings have a tendency to think in terms of “If (fill in the blank), then I would really know that he/she loves me.”  We keep trying to figure out the real test that will finally hold down our fear.   But this is dangerous because it is based on our own imaginations; the things we think will satisfy us often do not do so.

It takes humility to continue to engage with someone who struggles with trust when you are not the one who wounded them.  In this situation, focus on kindness and try not to make the person’s other-inflicted wounds worse.  The person may have hurt from the past; maybe the person does not know how to get the help he or she needs.  At some point, if the person consistently refuses to risk trusting you no matter how much you demonstrate that you are trustworthy, it may become hard or impossible to have a relationship with that person.  Relationship requires risk.

Sometimes, however, another person’s mistrust in us comes from our own actions.  When we have lied to someone, been untrustworthy in a relationship, neglected someone, wounded or harmed someone in some way, etc., it may take a long time to regain trust—perhaps much longer than we hoped.  It may take longer than seems fair to the one who committed the offense, and the one who is trying to trust again may become more comfortable, only to start questioning again and need further transparency and amends.  Sometimes trust has to be re-earned minutes, days, and again years later.  If you have wounded someone deeply, you may have to keep demonstrating your trustworthiness until that person is ok again. 

In the absence of glaring reasons not to trust another person, how can the average person decide whether to risk trusting that person?  Cinthia cited the old proverb, “Trust but verify.”  At some point, we all have to risk trusting someone, just as we have to take reasonable risks trusting our brakes, our chairs, our food, and so many other things.  It is impossible not to trust someone or something, and that always involves risk.  We only get to decide in what directions we point our risk-taking.  Believing in someone means that we can be let down, and that is very scary.  But we cannot have relationship without risk.  So we trust while waiting to see, and we increase trust as someone or something continues to prove trustworthy.  Consider how you would feel if you had to prove yourself time and time again without ever being believed, or without the person being able to hold onto his or her belief in you once you leave the room.  Do not keep your loved ones forever in limbo, always trying to earn your trust and never able to do so by any reasonable means.  Look for evidence of trustworthiness, but do not think any human being is going to be risk-free. 

So what does it mean to be trustworthy?  When the object of our potential trust is a flawed human being, perfection is not one of the options.  Unless the person you are trusting is Jesus, that person is going to mess up.  (And, for that matter, even though He never messed up, Jesus’s followers were repeatedly surprised, confused, and disillusioned when He did things differently when they were expecting Him to do.)  With flawed human beings, believing in someone does not necessarily mean you are shocked when that person messes up.  Trustworthiness in a flawed human being is more about whether the person is willing to acknowledge an error, take responsibility, and work to make things right.  Expecting perfection from other people will always disappoint us and will eventually drive others away from us.  Who wants to keep trying to gain trust when that trust is simply unattainable? 

So pay attention to glaring red flags, but also pay attention to the positive traits of the people in your life.  This will strengthen both you and them.  It will not necessarily make everything feel like it is going to be ok, but it can keep you from having to miss out on relationship entirely.  Look at the evidence as objectively as you can.  Find a good risk, and risk trusting.  Acknowledge that there is a level of risk and decide to go forward.  It is often the inner child that keeps demanding further proof, that keeps imagining he or she will finally feel secure if only the person does [fill in the blank].  The inner child is not the one to consult about these kinds of decisions.  Find the adult part of yourself, and go through the grief and loss process.  The adult part has to decide if another human is a good risk, and this involves risk to find out.  Sometimes we find out we were wrong.  You are going to be let down; we all are.  Trust is hard for everyone, and no one wants to be hurt.  But practice being an adult.  Acknowledge who you are trusting.  Distinguish between childish wishes and adult acceptance of reasonable risk.  Don’t just say no first and make others coax you into relationships.  Trying not to trust anyone is not a good life.  You have choices.  You can say yes, no, ask questions, etc.  Otherwise, you deprive yourself.  The fact for all of us is that, when we refuse ever to risk, we become problematic risks ourselves. 

There are situations, however, in which we do well to learn not to trust a particular person.  Sometimes people show us evidence that trusting them is not reasonable.  When this happens, we can acknowledge it and respond accordingly but still move forward in life with joy.  You can be ok, even if it takes time.  God made it possible to move through things, to heal, to keep moving.  You do not have to let that person’s choices tell you what everybody is like.  Are you letting the least-trustworthy people from your past tell you what all human beings are like?  If you have already discovered that those people were not worthy of your trust, they may not make good lenses through which to view the rest of the world. 

Ironically, despite the flawed nature of human beings and the perfection of God, we often trust people more than we trust God.  We view people as more of a sure thing because we can see them.  Do you have history with God?  Do you engage with Him?  Do you have reason to believe He is trustworthy?  Do you believe that He wants a relationship with you and that He is patient with your doubts?  Engage with Him.  He knows trust is always a risk, but that refusing ever to trust is always to risk even more.