Episodes
Monday Jan 08, 2024
A.N.G.E.R. is for Survival, Not Superiority (Replay of 1-15-23)
Monday Jan 08, 2024
Monday Jan 08, 2024
Anger is a gift that helps us survive and protect, but it can also be used to destroy or to protect the wrong things in the wrong ways. Especially when paired with fear, anger can enable us to do things we would not or could not otherwise do. The adrenaline it triggers to flow through our bodies can energize us, helping us to confront wrongs and face fears that need to be faced -- look at all the improvements that have been made because someone got sick and tired of the way things were! Unfortunately, anger can also be used to scare, manipulate, intimidate, and take advantage of others. It can enable us to act as if we are superior to those around us, to avoid accountability or the need to follow rules. It can influence others to accept bad behavior. When anger and fear are paired together, they can annihilate a relationship. Violence – even verbal or emotional violence -- is hard to repair. Misdirected anger and anger expressed without morality can even be deadly. When a person settles into anger as an ongoing emotional state, it can dominate all of life. Such ongoing anger is very hard on the body since the body is not meant to absorb adrenaline constantly, and it is brutal on relationships.
There are lots of misconceptions about anger, such as that anger is a bad emotion, one that healthy people don’t feel. Some people fear their own anger so much that they have trouble finding it, perhaps even allowing themselves to be mistreated regularly rather than get mad enough to confront the situation. Some are embarrassed by their own anger or think it is not Christian to be angry, but this is not biblical. In fact, anger is simply an emotion and, as such, is neither good nor bad in and of itself. Anger is normal (though living angry is not and should not be). The failure to manage anger appropriately is what brings harm, not the anger itself. Anger does not take away our choices; it simply energizes us to carry out the choices we make. Anger can give us the courage to set boundaries appropriately, or it can prompt us to ignore the reasonable boundaries of others or the boundaries that exist for us.
Anger is a defense mechanism intended to keep us and others safe. You do not have to feel powerless to your anger. When you have a grasp on it, you can make sure it doesn’t control you. Anger has its own patterns, and these can give insight about yourself. Acknowledge and assess your own anger; this helps you know what to do to manage it well. Make sure you are aware of all your emotions (happy, mad, sad, scared) and that these are integrated so that you are not using one to avoid another; for example, don’t use anger to avoid feeling sadness. Learn ways to manage your anger and to express it constructively. Deep breathing may seem like a cliché, but remember that oxygen helps your body to absorb adrenaline instead of simply releasing more; this allows reason and logic to return. Learn to remove yourself from situations when necessary. Make needed changes in lifestyle. Talk to yourself about your anger in ways that are true and helpful (e.g., “I can express anger appropriately, and I can stay calm. I can relax my body. I can take deep breaths to give my brain oxygen.”). Consider times that you have seen anger handled well, and learn from those. Journal. Talk to yourself in the mirror, role-playing how you might handle situations.
As an acrostic to help you remember what it looks like when anger is used productively, Cinthia suggested the following: When anger is done right, it can be…
- Awesome as it paves the way for deeper connection
N- Nice if you speak the truth with kindness
G- (Resulting in) Good as you seek win-win-solutions
E- Energy-creating as it frees you to move forward instead of getting stuck
R- (You become) Real when you are honest with yourself and others
When done wrong, however, anger can be…
- Aggressive, fighting only to win and not listen
N- (Accomplishing) Nothing
G- Greedy
E- (Too) Easy, allowing us to dump our problems on others instead of doing the work to deal with them.
R- (Feels so) Right when I am unloading on someone, feeling self-righteous, unleashing my feelings without building anything up
Remember, anger is neither good or bad; it’s how we handle it. So how do you handle it? What happens in your life when you give yourself over to anger? Do you leave the room or hang up the phone? Swear? Shut down? Change the subject? Gossip? Play the martyr? Withhold affection? Deny the problem or other parts of reality? Accuse? Name-call? Do you tend toward aggression, passivity, passive-aggression? Ask others what your anger feels like to them. Then describe a time you have witnessed anger done right. What did you see? What do you want to learn to do with your anger? Remember, anger done right helps relationships to thrive. Learn the difference between the satisfaction that comes from well-handled anger and the immediate gratification that comes from acting like a toddler or teenager. What would it be like to learn to face your anger? Anger is a gift that can help keep you alive, but you don’t need to defend yourself from everyone. Own your anger. Take responsibility for the times you have handled it poorly. Start to integrate the following elements in your approach to anger: Be honest. Be kind. Slow things down. (E.g., Step back physically. Breathe. Assure the other person that there is time for discussion rather than urgency to say everything quickly.) Listen. Empathize, even if you don’t agree. Seek a win-win solution. Compromise where possible without going against your value system. Anger can help you survive without serving as a tool for pushing down other people.
Friday Dec 29, 2023
Caregiving: An Interview with Peter Rosenberger
Friday Dec 29, 2023
Friday Dec 29, 2023
Today Cinthia welcomes Peter Rosenberger to talk about his newest book, A Minute For Caregivers: When Every Day Feels Like Monday. As his website www.hopeforthecaregiver.com explains, Peter has been a caregiver to his wife Gracie for about four decades now since a tragic car accident at age 17 changed the direction of her life. Gracie has had more than 85 surgeries at this point, including the amputation of both legs below the knee, and continues to face daunting medical challenges. (In fact, she and Peter will be spending this Christmas in the hospital.) Gracie has started a prosthetic limb outreach to amputees in West Africa called Standing With Hope and has continued her music career despite her ongoing challenges. Peter, meanwhile, in addition to caring for Gracie’s practical needs, working with doctors, hospitals, and insurance companies, and grappling with millions of dollars in medical bills, has started a ministry to other caregivers called Hope for the Caregiver. He initially introduced a book by that name, has a podcast with 800 episodes to date, and regularly keeps engagements and media interviews. Peter has accompanied Gracie’s music and performs his own music, as well. His most recent book is a set of encouraging essays for caregivers who (as Peter knows) may not have large amounts of time to devote to reading but who commonly struggle with isolation and the loss of their own independence and identity. His conversation with Cinthia brims with hope and encouragement, partly because it so honestly acknowledges the ongoing pain and the difficult prognosis that impacts his life with Gracie. Although, unfortunately, the first segment of today’s show fell to technical difficulties, the remaining segments of the show are available intact and packed with hope.
Peter encourages caregivers to increase their situational awareness and to care for themselves appropriately. He emphasizes that the caregiving relationship is often lifelong and emphasizes that the recipients of care need their caregivers to remain alive and healthy, which means the caregivers must have their own care and also care for themselves. He also emphasizes that, while these difficult situations often have no end outside of death, even that end is not the end because Jesus has won over death. He emphasizes that the Gospel is either real or it’s not, and that understanding the Gospel gives meaning to the most difficult life situations. Jesus is called “Immanuel” in the Bible, which means “God With Us.” Peter explains, “We can’t go to Him. He has to come to us.” Peter encourages caregivers to acknowledge the weariness and the heavy-laden status that comes with their role and to learn over time to truly rest in Jesus. He asks, “Do you believe Him or not? And how would you or anybody else know?” His book is full of such “bedrock principles that I’ve learned through this process,” which he offers to help other caregivers also learn “how to stay with this and be healthy at the same time.” Peter talks about the “FOG of caregivers”- the fear, obligation, and guilt that can be ever-present; he encourages slowing down in response to such “FOG” just as one would slow down when driving in literal fog. He encourages, “Don’t try to look too far ahead or live in the wreckage of the future,” and urges caregivers not to “drive” in such “FOG” so fast that they cannot “slam on the brakes” when needed.
Peter describes playing the piano on his own after having accompanied Gracie for so long and realizing that he was no longer playing the song’s melody because he was used to Gracie doing that part. This, he said, is exactly what happens to caregivers over time – they lose their own voices and begin to talk and think in terms of what kind of day the other person is having, what “we” are facing, etc. He encourages caregivers to relearn how to speak in the first-person singular, to embrace Jesus’s love for them and not just for their loved ones, and to watch the movie The King’s Speech to observe the deep importance of having your own voice. He also encourages engaging in realism, legitimate mourning (which involves accepting the brokenness for what it is and trusting God in it), tears, and humor, recalling his own tribute to Jeff Foxworthy in which he outlined the signs that “you might be a caregiver.” God, notes Peter, is personal and intimate. He is Lord, even when life is painful and difficult and “every day feels like Monday.” He can teach even the caregiver to rest in Him. He concludes that caregivers and their loved ones should acknowledge their pain and cry their tears but also emphasizes, “We do not have to be miserable.” Peter’s book is available any place books are sold and is also available in audible, which he read himself. It can be a helpful gift for pastors and counselors as well as traditional caregivers.
Monday Dec 18, 2023
Surviving the Family Holidays
Monday Dec 18, 2023
Monday Dec 18, 2023
Garrison Keillor once said, “The lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” Whether you are working Christmas, spending it alone, hosting a gathering you hope will be beautiful, or gearing up to attend the usual round of work and family activities, you are in this with all the rest of us – and we all need to survive it!
Holidays are a time when we tend to think we should be happy, but they happen in the context of everything else. The expectation of warmth and cheer can highlight our pain and that of others. The consistency of traditions can emphasize the changes that have occurred over the last year, including difficult ones. Even positive changes can upset the family equilibrium, and sometimes the system wants to move back into its usual state. Exposure to family can bring back memories, good and bad, and stir up expectations that we should have more in common than we do.
Expectations can be strong around the holidays: “There’s no place like home for the holidays” – but what if your family is a wreck? “Christmas is a time for family” – but what if you don’t have one, or you live several states away and can’t afford to take time off and travel for the holidays? “Holidays should be joyous and happy” – but what if there has been a death? A job loss? What if you are depressed or struggling with anxiety? “Everything will be perfect this year” – but what if it isn’t, or it is and nobody seems to notice or care? Holidays are unknowns. We do not truly know what will happen on a given year, even if we do know the patterns, the leftover hurts and judgments, the way it has been before now.
So how do we survive the holidays? Well, the first step is to ask yourself, “What is it about the holiday that gets me down?” What are you wanting to get out of the holidays, and what do you fear will happen instead? Establish and acknowledge your hopes, fear, and expectations. Talk to someone trustworthy regarding what bothers you about the holidays so you can be less vulnerable when the holidays get here.
Next, acknowledge your options. Adults have choices. What can you choose to do or not do? Brainstorm the ways you could address your concerns. Even though you won’t be able to utilize every single option, acknowledge that you have those choices and are not trapped. If there is pressure to put up with someone you usually avoid, is this maladaptive or an opportunity?
Next, develop your coping skills, including your self-talk and the boundaries you will choose for yourself. See the lighter side; holidays are short. Remember, everybody’s a little bit out of their league when it’s family. Minimize over-indulging in food and alcohol to deal with the stress of the holidays. Identify what beauty you can create without paying the cost of unbearable stress. Think about the people who are problematic for you. Pray for them; pray for yourself. What is one thing God has said about you? Abou them? Hold onto that. You don’t have to get your needs met in that relationship; you can just accept the person. Spending time without really connecting can be ugly, so take care of yourself so that you can share at an appropriate level without making yourself or others overly vulnerable. Remember that holiday events are rarely the best times to hash through issues, though they often show us what we may want to address or change later. Differentiate between what is truly dangerous and what is irritating.
Holidays, including family holidays, really are a big deal, even though we try to make it not that way. Remember that the best gift you can give is a healthy version of yourself; that way, nobody has to worry about you. Being the best version of yourself is a gift to others.
Remember, God loves to give gifts. He gave us His only Son, the most valuable possession He ever had. You are a gift. You are irreplaceable. You are valuable. Taking care of yourself and regulating yourself is important. Police yourself. Be healthy.
Monday Dec 11, 2023
Interview with Michael Johnson
Monday Dec 11, 2023
Monday Dec 11, 2023
Today Cinthia talks with Michael Johnson, president of the Slavic Gospel Association. Michael discusses his own story including his conversion, journey from corporate to non-profit work, and time in ministry. He notes that we tend to want to know God’s plan for our lives, but that God wants our obedience step-by-step. Mr. Johnson discusses some of the dynamics at work in these countries (e.g., emphasis on repentance/changing the direction of pursuits; pervasive sense of having “missed the mark” after living under Communist governments) and emphasizes that Christ is building His church in those countries and in ours.
The Slavic Gospel Association works to empower local churches in countries associated with the former Soviet Union, as well as countries in which large number of Slavic people currently live. The organization has been active since well before Communism came to power in these areas, served churches during the time they were living under Communism, partnered with local church when wall came down, and continues to equip churches and provide a doorway through which churches in the West can serve churches in these areas. Their activities have included encouraging churches, coordinating an underground railroad, humanitarian aid distribution, gospel presentations, and assistance in acts of mercy which are currently bearing fruit in many countries due to the authenticity of the faith local church members have demonstrated by loving others well. Areas of ministry currently include Israel because many Slavic people fled there to get away from one war (i.e., Ukraine), only to find themselves in another.
Cinthia prayed for Mr. Johnson and his organization and encouraged listeners to pray, consider giving, etc., in order to join in the work of the Slavic Gospel Association(www.sga.org; specific ministry to Israel at www.sga.org/israelgospel).
Be encouraged. God has not stopped working in these countries or ours. He has not given up, no matter how the world looks to us or what is on the news on any given day.
Monday Dec 04, 2023
Adulting By Accepting Three Core Truths
Monday Dec 04, 2023
Monday Dec 04, 2023
What does it mean to act like an adult? We all know it includes things like laundry, bill-paying, and going to the dentist, but what underlies those activities and determines the priorities of an emotional adult? Today Cinthia explains how the three core truths she teaches apply to the topic of growing up emotionally.
As an example of what this looks like, Cinthia described her husband Michael’s approach to some significant medical problems that he recently faced. Although he experienced significant pain and some very scary circumstances, Michael took charge of his health and did all he could to survive and get healthier for the people who love him. Although the medical problems were his, Michael understood that the situation was not just about him; it impacted his family, friends, and others. Knowing this, he controlled the factors that were his to control and followed through with healthy decisions, even when they were not easy to execute.
Adulthood as we are discussing it is about more than just remaining alive past one’s eighteenth birthday. It is about growing up emotionally: facing reality, becoming your own parent, and fulfilling your responsibilities to yourself and others rather than expecting the world to make you okay. This necessitates, among other things, knowing your own internal world, being aware of it and how it affects your external world. It involves making the hard decisions to live according to reality rather than in denial. It also means figuring out why you are here on the planet and what to do with the time you are given.
The first truth Cinthia urges us to accept is the reality of our own individual uniqueness as created beings. You were not made by yourself or for your own purposes; you were made by a Creator Who wanted to create you and is very happy that He did so. You were made according to a unique design- even identical twins do not have identical fingerprints. Cinthia states, “When God thought you up, He was really excited. He was excited about you. It was an original design.” He had a purpose for this design, and He made you in exactly the way that was best for that purpose. Now you as an adult have the option to embrace that design and purpose or not. Learning to live as your own best version means learning to live out what the Creator had in mind when He made you. Striving toward what you think you should be or who others want you to be will not achieve this. So Step One is to accept and believe that you are alive for a reason. You didn’t sneak onto the planet. You don’t have to prove that you deserve to be here. God decided to create you and to do it at this time. He wants you to enjoy who He made you to be, as He does. Jesus gave up His life to be with you. Satan wants to make you think you have to prove your worth and value instead of walking it out. Dysfunction is never original or creative. Show up in your own life, and walk out the value you have.
Next, accept and believe that you can effect change in yourself and in the world around you. You cannot control everything about your life, your circumstances, or the world around you, but neither are you irrelevant. Your actions and behaviors matter, and your thoughts matter. Change is primarily an “inside job,” and it requires each of us to address our own thoughts and belief systems. Living in the past will get in the way whether your past was good or bad -- your past may be brilliant or awful, but it’s not new.
Proverbs tells us that “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” You can control what you think and dwell on. We often try to change the outside world, not recognizing that what we can control and order is the inside of ourselves. If the internal doesn’t work, the external won’t work. If you live trying to change people, places, and things, you will fail. You cannot create outside yourself what is not within you. Parents, leaders, and friends will focus on the outside because they cannot be on the inside of you. You have to deal with the inside. The fastest, most effective, and most efficient way to influence change is to change your internal world. You matter, and you have a responsibility to the world around you.
Third, as an adult you must learn to deal with pain. In this world pain is inevitable; the effective management of it is imperative if you are going to be who you are meant to be. You can have “pain for gain,” as Cinthia says, or you can have “pain in vain.” But in this world as it is now, you cannot be without pain. You get to choose to survive in it or thrive in it and how close to be to the version of yourself that God intended. You get to choose whether to add to or detract from others by what version of yourself you live out as you face your pain, whether to accept the gifts that can come hidden in pain. Avoiding pain only brings more of it and causes me to live as a victim of my circumstances and of my own internal world. Learn to let pain produce something good in you instead of making you bitter.
The best version of yourself is the one the Creator had in mind when He made you. Accepting this may mean you have to get over yourself. If God is happy with you, you must learn to be happy with yourself, too (which is not the same as being happy with every decision you make). Both your strengths and weaknesses are unique and must be managed. We tend to want to spend our focus on our strengths, but don’t be afraid of your weaknesses. Don’t hate yourself for the mistakes. Learn from them. Be compassionate to yourself and others. Remember, the goal in this life is not the total alleviation of pain (that is impossible) but the acceptance of it and use of it for gain.
Monday Nov 13, 2023
Emotional Baggage (Replay of 9/10/23)
Monday Nov 13, 2023
Monday Nov 13, 2023
What is emotional baggage, and how does it affect our relationships? Emotional baggage is the remaining residue of trauma on our lives, whether from traumatic events (e.g., physical assault) or in a broader sense (e.g., relational trauma). It can become an ongoing part of what we carry with us into new relationships. We unwittingly take it into new relationships and begin to recreate or re-experience the same thing again and again, reinforcing the trauma-based beliefs we have formed in our thinking, causing them to grow and self-justify. Think of Linus’s blanket in the Peanuts cartoons. What are you dragging with you into your new relationships?
Emotional baggage does not define you. Trauma does not define you. Just as having a sleeping bag placed on top of you does not make you a sleeping bag, having traumatic baggage placed on you does not redefine you as the baggage itself. This means (among other things) that you can make choices that impact how much power your emotional baggage has as your life continues. Toward this end, Cinthia offers a checklist of questions to consider when entering a new relationship:
- Am I willing to take time to heal (e.g., feel the difficult feelings, process them, etc.), or am I hoping this relationship will be the healing element? (The latter is dangerous.)
- Am I learning to listen to my gut, or am I listening to the woundedness?
- Have I felt what I am feeling before this? What is being triggered here?
- Am I putting on a persona with this person, or am I acting like myself?
- Have I forgiven myself and my exes for what happened in past relationships, or am I carrying some of it with me?
- Am I facing/exploring patterns in my own life and getting to know myself honestly?
- Am I willing to courageously change the things that need to be changed, or am I hoping the relationships will change them for me?
- Would I want to be with me? Do I like spending time with myself? If not, what do I need to change or accept so that I can present myself honestly with another person and not inflict something on them that I would not want inflicted on me?
- What do I do when I am being triggered? When do I get triggered, and what triggers me?
- What will I do if I encounter a concerning situation with this person? What are my options? (Learn to ask yourself, “Does that baggage actually belong to me?” Another person’s behavior may not be about you, and you need to know where you end and they begin. Cinthia emphasized that it is ok to leave a date early, and you can even be gracious about it. You do not have to lie or agree to see him/her again. Learn to utilize self-talk, grounding, breathing, relaxing, identifying your choices, slowing things down -- Stay with yourself. Own your choices and options, and recognize that theirs are not yours. Practice learning to say, “I don’t think we are a match,” “I need to leave now,” etc.)
Recognizing baggage is the first step to overcoming it. Here are some tips for doing so:
First, acknowledge the emotion. Are you feeling sad, mad, glad, or scared? If you are confused, you may be feeling a mix of these. Identify the feelings, and do not blame yourself for feeling them. Learn to say, “I am feeling this. What is triggering it?” Then ask yourself whether there is any true information in the feeling. Feelings are very real but do not always come with true thoughts and information. Allow yourself to feel the emotion without necessarily believing everything it tells you.
Second, face the feelings. Maya Angelou said, “History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived but, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” Will you choose courage to face your fears, mistakes, and hurts, to take the journey you need to take?
This process can be like an archaeological dig, per Laurie Allender, LCSW, and her partner Bob Hollender. First, unearth things intentionally and conscientiously. Go back and look at them. To “understand” is to stand under something and look at it, to observe what you can learn from it. Then unravel them. Look without judgement at how the things influence you. Unlock things. Share your story with people who are safe and trustworthy. Learn to forgive. Take responsibility for yourself and your part. Recognize what you resent, what generalizations you have made. This is not about blaming yourself, but about empowering yourself to have more control in the future. Forgive your ex and yourself; for some, one of these may be easier than the other. Turn problems into solutions. Turn the focus away from what you did and toward what you want for the future. Let go of the old, and allow for the new. Look for evidence that it can be different in the new relationship, etc. You can contribute to what is being created now.
Humans were made to be with one another. You were made to be loved. Deal with your baggage so it does not dictate the story of your current or future relationships.
Monday Nov 06, 2023
A Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams
Monday Nov 06, 2023
Monday Nov 06, 2023
Today Cinthia discusses concepts from her book God Wants You Truly Living (Not Walking Dead). God knows we cannot achieve happiness by chasing it. The book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible demonstrates this; Solomon chased happiness with gusto and resources but found the chase futile. Jesus, however, said that He came that we might have abundant life – the kind of life He had. Jesus was truly free despite living in an oppressed people group dominated by the Roman Empire. He had a deep, meaningful relationship with the Father, and it was in this relationship that He got His value. He had meaning and purpose, a clear conscience, and deep, meaningful relationships with others. Perhaps most powerfully, though, Jesus was willing to die. He died literally, physically, for others in obedience to His Father, God. He died to Satan’s temptation to pursue His destiny and rights outside of obedience to His Father God. And He calls each of us to die to ourselves. This does not necessarily mean physical death – at least not yet. We are not to go looking for physical death. But each of us has things to which we cling, things that feel like death to release. Often these are things we think we need but that are actually choking the life out of us. Sometimes they are good things that are in the way of the best things.
Abundance is more than enough but never excessive. Jesus went first in dying to Himself. He is the Way. We have to follow Him in “death” even while we are still alive by dying to whatever He calls us to let die. See Philippians 3:10, Ephesians 3:20, and John 10:10. Jesus trusted that His Father God knew Him to the core of His Being. He entrusted His rights, His identity, His destiny, His authority, His life to the Father. If we are to follow Him in this, we also have to learn to trust that our Creator knows us to the core of our beings. God is not trying to make us happy as His primary goal because He knows that happiness is an overflow of an abundant life; He knows that for which we are truly made and also sees the good things that are getting in the way of the best things. The enemy also knows that the pursuit of happiness only increases the emptiness inside of us.
It's easy to dismiss Jesus’s death as being something He could do because He was perfect. But Jesus was also human, and He made it clear in Gethsemane that He did not want to have to go to the cross. He asked not to have to do it, to have another way made if it could be made. Still, He obeyed and went. He died to Himself.
Dying to myself means, in part, that all the things my body is screaming for me to do, I release to Him. I have to determine as an adult whether or not those things are healthy, holy, of good repute, pleasing to Him, and His best for me at this time, or whether He wants me to deny myself some or all of those things. We don’t often like the death to ourselves that Jesus showed us. But He was willing to do it, and He tells us that we need to be willing to do it. When Jesus took on a created body, He was willing to live His life the Creator’s way. We fight the Creator. We want a shorter, easier, faster, less-painful way to our destiny. Satan tempted Jesus with this route in the desert, and He rejected it. We think that we can discover, create, or defend our own identity. But we do not know ourselves as well as our Father knows us. He knows the identity He intended for us. If you won’t let go of the thing you are cherishing, it may kill you.
Cinthia discussed the seed that dies in order to produce the fruit. Don’t protect or abandon the seed. Water it, nourish it, but allow it to die. It is in death that the seed will be able to reach beyond its packaging. We are very used to bondage in a lot of ways, to the boxes in which we enclose ourselves. We have to die to ourselves as the seed does, usually long before we face physical death. Ephesians 3:20 (Message version) says, “God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in you wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.” And John 10:10 (Amplified version) says, “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].” This is God’s desire for His people. Not only that, but He also promises in Psalm138:8 that He “will fulfill His purpose for me.” Psalm 23:4 describes Him as with us as we walk through the shadow of death. There are two types of death that have to occur in order to produce and sustain life: The first is the death of a good thing in order to become the best thing. The second is the death of “the thing that is killing me.” How many of us fight to keep alive the thing that is killing us?
So ask yourself, “Am I refusing to move forward in ways that are age- and circumstance-appropriate? Am I resisting age-appropriate tasks? Am I holding onto previous life stages, to behaviors and clothing and self-care patterns that are no longer appropriate to my current life stage? Do I refuse to move forward with technology? What do I want to ignore or deny? Am I unwilling to go through the grief and loss process? Do I hold onto a person, decade, paradigm, or belief system? Do I allow a system that isn’t working to continue? Am I willing to let expectations die? Am I resisting a new season that is only going to happen anyway? Am I willing to let go of my dream or my vision for myself or another person? What are the birth pains that I may be ignoring or resisting? What is trying to come out of me? Am I resisting dying to self?” Do not continue to resist what you know is natural for you to do – not those things that are natural in their decadence, but those that are natural to what God has created in you.
Consider Philippians 1:6 and Isaiah 66:7-10. We don’t know the mind of God. We cannot force to die what He wants to live or force to live what He knows must die. The only way out is through. You were born for a reason. So what has to die in order for that reason to live? God says to us, essentially, “Don’t quit on Me now. I’m not finished with the good work I’ve begun in you. God wants to give us peace that passes understanding. We need to stop trying to understand everything. God has a way, His way, and we need to trust Him, whether or not we understand.
Monday Oct 30, 2023
The Devil Is In the Details
Monday Oct 30, 2023
Monday Oct 30, 2023
Have you ever heard that saying, “The devil is in the details?” The idea behind this saying is that something which seems simple and straightforward may, in fact, have a catch, a hidden element that can eat away until it causes destruction. It is important to pay attention to the little things that can cause big problems and to do the work it takes to address these important details. Seemingly small habits like laziness, lying, denial, and destructive thought patterns can create ruin. At the same time, it is also important not to snag on the wrong details. Perfectionism kills. Some things really are “good enough” and need to be left alone. Today Cinthia explores what it means to “get the devil out of the details” so that he cannot use details against us. This means we have to ask God what details are important to Him, what small things could get in the way of what He wants our lives to be. What little details are potentially eating away at the structures that hold up your life, and which things need to be accepted as “good enough?”
Our Creator is very aware of details. We cannot be as perfect in detail as He is, and, unlike Him, we are vulnerable to focusing on unimportant details and missing the main point. Our creations can reflect on God and also show differences between us and Him. Sometimes we don’t know what to do with the things that are eating away at what is important; even if you cannot yet get rid of something or do not know what to do with it, the
What is getting in your way? Which small things make a big difference? Attention to detail can bring freedom, but it takes time. We need to think about how much time we put into an imperfection and which things need to actually be removed. To decide well, we must learn the difference between perfectionism and craftsmanship, which involves commitment to excellence but is grounded in understanding of the big picture regarding what is being crafted. Most extremes are unhealthy except in life-or-death cases, etc. Try not to snag on everything like a walking piece of Velcro.
Do your habits help you to represent yourself in an honest way? Do you pay attention to your own behavior? Do you put real effort into parenting or figure that your children will navigate the world pretty well on their own? Do you pay attention to the words you say behind others’ backs? What is trying to contaminate your soul? Defense mechanisms flare up to defend us; they are attempts to protect ourselves from harm. However, they can create problems later. Do your old patterns work in your current life? Is it time to upgrade what has been comfortable for so long? The enemy wants to condemn us. He will not stop, and he is relentless. We must pay attention and manage our own internal worlds. Understand your own pace. Are you crafting your own life? Do you leave it undone, skimp on the materials, etc., or are you exhausting yourself with perfectionism? Differentiate between that which you need to let go and that to which you need to attend. It is very difficult to change things you have practiced over and over again.
Shortcuts are different than rest. Rest. Don’t get in a hurry when it is not an emergency. Thoughtfully consider where your actions will take you. Which details are worthy of your focus? Slow down. Focus. Give your brain oxygen. God is making us into what He wants us to be. His perfecting is good, but our scorecards usually are not. He is the only Creator that lets the creation participate in the creation process. Remember, Satan wants to be better than God, and perfectionism is more in line with this than with the perfecting processes of God for His people. Remember: You came from His heart. Accept who He has made you to be. Work at being the best version of who He made you, but, if you are thinking of changing the creation that God has made, don’t do it. Details are work, not weight. Effort is necessary to address details, but running on a hamster wheel to try to be good enough while feeling weighed down by fear and insecurity is counter-productive. Some things really can be “good enough.” We need to know which things these are. Don’t waste energy on what does not need to be perfect.
As you are looking at details in your life, ask yourself, “Does that detail matter to God?” If it matters to you but He does not seem to be doing anything, ask Him if this is important to Him, if you should be doing anything. Learn to trust Him. Do not believe the devil about which details to address, Go straight to God. Tell Him if you are struggling with yourself. Tell Him honestly what you are thinking, and talk to Him about who you are. You are not the Creator. It is amazing and tremendous that God would want to make us, and God wants us to share in His happiness about who we are.
Monday Oct 23, 2023
How to Be Attractive
Monday Oct 23, 2023
Monday Oct 23, 2023
What does it take to be attractive? Often we think of characteristics that are beyond our control or measures that require lots of time and money. Some changes would even require compromises to a person’s value system. Is attractiveness something that most of us are doomed to miss, or that we can have only briefly before age takes it away from us? Today Cinthia explains that attractiveness can be defined as “pleasing or appealing to the senses,” a definition that is far more within-reach than we might think. It doesn’t require looking like a model, being wealthy, or compromising one’s value system. Instead, it is about the experience people have when they interact with you. Some of the traits are physical; cleanliness, for example, is more likely to please the senses of another person than poor hygiene. But even our physical characteristics are often made more or less attractive by things like our facial expressions, manners, and other ways of presenting ourselves. So how do we make ourselves attractive?
We start by observing what we are currently attracting. What types of people tend to be in your life? What are you attracting, and what information does this give you about the way you may be presenting yourself in the world? If you want to attract something different than what you have been attracting, what changes might you need to make?
We continue by considering the experience others have when they are around us or when they have us in their lives. This is not about trying to figure out someone else’s ideal and match it; it’s simply about self-awareness regarding the way our choices impact those around us. What is it like to be around you, to have a conversation with you, to build a life with you, to have you for a friend? Are you generally friendly, angry, bitter, dismissive, genuine, loving, confident, needy? Are you kind, gentle, willing to do what needs to be done? Are you courteous, brave, patient? Do you try to disappear? What is the “aroma” that your way of handling yourself and treating others tends to leave in a room? Are your comments caustic, life-giving, sarcastic, insightful, unnecessary, unheard? What is the experience of being around you like for others?
Some of becoming attractive does have to do with the way we care for ourselves physically, though it does not require physical perfection or obsession with wrinkles or the number on a scale. For example, if one’s physical appearance indicates a lack of respect for self or others of others (e.g., poor personal hygiene, generally neglecting one’s health and/or grooming, etc.), that person’s appearance will be less appealing to others – not because it fails to achieve the cultural idea but because it fails to signal respect. Similarly, physical perfection that seems almost mask-like can be off-putting even while it is intriguing. Our outer selves can reflect our inner selves in ways that are appealing or unappealing. Have you ever been drawn to someone’s face because of the kindness in it? The confidence? The humor? We tend to think everyone sees us as we see ourselves, feels what we feel, and knows what we know. But other people are often more concerned with their own internal experiences than they are with ours, and they only have the information about us that we give them. So, if we want others to find themselves drawn to us, we should treat our bodies respectfully. Beyond that, someone who wants to be recognized as a professional may need to dress professionally. Someone who wants others to feel safe around them may need to avoid styles that others find shocking, frightening, or repulsive. A style or look can say, “Pay attention to me,” “Stay away from me,” “Protect me,” or, “Don’t bother me.” How do you feel about yourself and the world, and does the way you prepare yourself for the day reflect this? Whether we like it or not, our looks can be an unnecessary barrier to others; don’t cultivate a look that others cannot get past. Are you willing to put in the work to make your outside match your inside? Are you using your physical appearance to hide who you are by discouraging people from getting to know you? Remember, also, that the way you dress will affect your own cognitive functioning (as studies have shown) and mood. Honor yourself and those with whom you associate by caring for your appearance in a healthy, appropriate way.
What about attraction in marriage – what if you are not attracted to your spouse, or your spouse is not attracted to you? Attraction can be lost, gained, and altered. It may not be healthy to try to be someone you are not in order to match your spouse’s ideal, but neither is it healthy to expect your spouse to “get over” having to deal with your vulgarity, selfishness, immaturity, or disrespect. What is it like to be married to you? What experiences do you and your spouse give to each other?
Attraction is also impacted by what it is like to be associated with someone; we reflect on one another. This does not mean that we should control one another as a form of image management, but it does mean that we do not display ridiculous, insensitive behavior and then expect those close to us not to feel embarrassed by it. Those who join together do, in some ways, represent each other. So read the room. Do not make jokes that others find hurtful or consistently irritating. Pay some attention to whether an affair is black-tie or casual. You do not have to impress everyone positively, but enjoying impressing them negatively can be hard on the people who associate themselves with you. Remember, too, that you represent yourself and that, if you belong to God, you represent Him.
Humans are so complicated. Attraction can be very complex. It’s really a mystery. It’s a feeling, a sense, a feeling in your body of relaxing around that person or looking forward to being around them. Some qualities are always attractive to humans, while others like disrespect, vulgarity, immaturity, selfishness, etc., are pretty consistently unattractive. Interaction produces feelings in other people. Selfishness is like arsenic for all relationships. We need to be aware of what bugs the people to whom we are close. It’s not about popularity, focusing on being liked, etc. We don’t need to pressure ourselves to present a perfect image. Instead of thinking you have to watch every detail, think about the overall responses you are getting from people. Are you being honest with yourself and others in what you communicate through your dress, behavior, etc.?
A happy disposition can also be attractive, and, while we don’t necessarily want to fake being happy or ignore our other real feelings, there are ways to increase our own general happiness. Cinthia reviewed a list of things we can give up in order to increase personal happiness and, thereby, attractiveness:
-the need to change someone else so you can be right
-the need to control
-blaming others (Cinthia shared the saying, “A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame someone else.)
-self-defeating self-talk (The mind is a superb instrument when used rightly.)
-false beliefs (referring not so much to ideas held by the mind but to those ideas that hold the mind)
-complaining (Christian D Lawrence noted that we can complain that roses have thorns or be grateful that thorns have roses.)
-trying to get others to make you feel what you want to feel
-the need to impress others (Let them have the fun of impressing you! Remember, adults go into situations with their egos in check and do not need to be the best at everything.)
-resistance to change (Not all change is positive, but be aware of why you are resisting a particular change.)
-labels (These are often limiting, so be really careful about assumptions.)
Remember, attractiveness is not only about appearance. Be yourself, but be a version of yourself that honors who you are and the impact you have on those around you.
Monday Oct 16, 2023
What Is God Really Wanting for Us?
Monday Oct 16, 2023
Monday Oct 16, 2023
With the tragedies happening in the world right now, Cinthia encourages each of us to discover and remember why God has placed us on the earth. With that in mind, today she discusses concepts from one of her books, God Wants You Truly Living (Not Walking Dead). God is wanting us each to have a life beyond our wildest dreams, but it requires that we die to the things that get in the way of that – including, sometimes, the dreams themselves.
Ephesians 3:20 (Message version) says, “God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in you wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.” And John 10:10 (Amplified version) says, “The thif comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].” This is God’s desire for His people.
But what is life that is “abundant?” Cinthia reads a definition of abundant that begins with the phrase “being more than enough without being excessive” and continues with an abundance of adjectives about fullness and profusion. Our example of this on earth is Jesus. Jesus’s abundant life did not include the things we often associate with abundance, the things we tend to think will help us live life to the fullest and achieve happiness. In fact, happiness lies. “God is not trying to give us “happy” as a goal,” says Cinthia. “He knows happiness is an outcome of an abundant life. The thief, which we know is Satan… realizes that, if I pursue happiness, I will simply be achieving pleasure, which only creates a bigger void in my life that must be continuously fed as it becomes bigger and deeper, screaming more loudly to be fulfilled.” Consider the book of Ecclesiastes in which the wisest man on earth tried the life of pleasure—tried it well—and declared it meaningless.
Jesus demonstrated the abundant life. He was free, had deep and meaningful relationship with God the Father and got His value there, had deep and meaningful relationships with others, had a clear conscience, and lived with a sense of meaning and purpose. But there was something else that offered more power, more life, a separation from any other power or entity: He was willing to die. He was willing to die a literal, physical death for us and for the Father Who had sent Him. But He was also willing to die to Himself, to what He could have tried to be separate from His Father. His responses to the three temptations Satan offered Him in the wilderness demonstrate this. How do we let God infuse this into us?
Jesus knew that, in order to be what He was created to be, He would have to do it the Creator’s way. He had to trust that the Father Who made Him knew Him and knew the best way. [Don’t misunderstand our use of the word “Creator” here. We know the Nicene Creed says Jesus was “begotten not made” to express that Jesus existed with the Father from all eternity. But, when He came to earth, He was knit together by His Father inside of a human mother. This is the kind of “created” we mean. Jesus, by Whom and through Whom everything had been created, took on the position of a created human being, and He showed us what it means to live as created human beings are meant to live.] The Father’s way, the Creator’s way, was for Jesus to die. God always goes first and sets the course. He died for us and died to Himself, and this sets the course for us – dying to ourselves, dying to the things we think will give us life but that are, in fact, getting in the way of fulfilling the purposes for which God made us.
So what has to die in order for you to live? What has to die in you life in order for you to actually live for Christ? Cinthia explains, “Not my way, His way. He is the Creator; I am the created object.” What are the things that are getting in the way of you being what He made you to be? Cinthia continues, “We have a great God Who has gone before us and knows the way. He does not grow tired, and He understands that suffering through death produces life. Not only that, but He also promises that He will comfort us through the suffering…” and tells us in Psalm138:8 that He “will fulfill His purpose for me.” You are not meant to do life on your own, trying to do it right and hoping God is happy with it.
Philippians 3:10 and Acts 1:3 describe the necessity and hope in this process. We join Him in His suffering and death, but also in His resurrection. He is alive! He went through death and came back alive! II Corinthias 1:3-6 (Msg) describes Him as walking with us through our suffering and loss and bringing us alongside others to be there for them. Jesus is the consummate Servant-Leader. He leads by example. He walks with us and walks out His concepts. Psalm 23:4 describes Him as with us as we walk through the shadow of death. There cannot be a shadow without light. What has to die in your life in order for you to fully live it? This is an important time in history for each of us to recognize the purpose God has for us, to figure out the life He has planned solely for us and to do our part.
There are two types of death that have to occur in order to produce and sustain life: The first is the death of a good thing in order to become the best thing. The second is the death of “the thing that is killing me.” How many of us fight to keep alive the thing that is killing us? Addictions, fear, relationships to which we cling even as they keep us from living the life for which God created us – Ask yourself, “Why am I walking out a living death?” Both types occur simultaneously at different times of life. Type One is beautifully demonstrated by the seed. John 12:24-25 (NIV) says, “Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” An unknown author has said that we can count the seeds in a single piece of fruit, but only God can count the fruit that lies within a single seed. Do not let the enemy minimize who you are, what you know, how you feel, what you want to do, and what your calling is. Don’t let him talk you out of that. John 12:24-25 in the Message version says, “Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat. But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over. In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life. But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal.”
Cinthia says, “I want to keep everything sometimes… I only want the things to die that I don’t like.” But so often the good has to die to give way to the best. Addiction is a great example of the kind of thing that has to die lest it kill us, but think beyond that. What has to die in order for you, like the seed, to produce and sustain life? We have to die to something in order for the thing for which we were created to live. What won’t you let go?
A seed must die in order to have the life for which it was intended. Don’t nurse and protect the seed. Let what is inside of it burst forth. Don’t abandon it because you don’t know what it is. Water it and nourish it. Do this because it may be buried at this time, but God has planted that seed of life within you. So you need to trust Him. Don’t be afraid to let the seed die, to break out of the shell that has housed it. We are very used to our bondage, but God dreams of setting us free to produce and sustain life. Think about the caterpillar as it turns into a butterfly. Think about the movie Failure to Launch, which is funny but tragic in the truth it expresses about our culture. Think about Adam and Eve. When we go against creation and interrupt or impede God’s timing, the creation either dies or fails to thrive, and we are left with the agony of depression and despair.
So ask yourself, “Am I refusing to move forward in ways that are age- and circumstance-appropriate? Am I resisting age-appropriate tasks? Am I holding onto previous life stages, to behaviors and clothing and self-care patterns that are no longer appropriate to my current life stage? Do I refuse to move forward with technology? What do I want to ignore or deny? Am I unwilling to go through the grief and loss process? Do I hold onto a person, decade, paradigm, or belief system? Do I allow a system that isn’t working to continue? Am I willing to let expectations die? Am I resisting a new season that is only going to happen anyway? Am I willing to let go of my dream or my vision for myself or another person? What are the birth pains that I may be ignoring or resisting? What is trying to come out of me? Am I resisting dying to self?” Do not continue to resist what you know is natural for you to do – not those things that are natural in their decadence, but those that are natural to what God has created in you.
Consider Philippians 1:6 and Isaiah 66:7-10. We don’t know the mind of God. We cannot force to die what He wants to live or force to live what He knows must die. The only way out is through. You were born for a reason. So what has to die in order for that reason to live?