Conversations with Cinthia

How Do You Know They Love You?

Have you noticed that love can look different ways at different times?  Sometimes love is soft and gentle, and sometimes it is firm.  Sometimes it tells us everything we need to hear, and sometimes it waits silently.  It can be confusing, so how do we know when we are truly loved and when we are loving others well?  Today Cinthia discusses characteristics of real love between one human being and another. 

A person who loves you will not be perfect but will be humble when he or she has been wrong.  A person who loves you well will ask for and receive your forgiveness.  This is  especially important in personal relationships.

When you are the one who was wrong and you humble yourself to ask forgiveness, a person who loves you well will forgive you quickly, even for a big offense.  This does not necessarily mean that trust will be instantly restored or that the hurt will evaporate; you must be realistic in allowing the person time to heal.  You must rebuild trust.  But, while trust may need to be earned back over time, forgiveness will be free and will come more quickly.  The person will not hold grudges or say that things are fine, only to attack you with passive aggression.  The person will also differentiate between signs that you are imperfect and signs that you are truly dangerous. 

When someone loves you well, that person honors what you really need, even if it is inconvenient or uncomfortable for him/her, and even if it is not the same as what he/she needs.

A person who loves you well is courteous and gracious, especially within the relationship.

A person who loves you well supports you in your feelings and struggles.  The person will not publicly shame or reject you for your mistakes and will still “claim” you, even if he or she cannot approve of what you did.  The person will gently tell you the truth, though, privately and kindly letting you know when you are harming your relationships and not being the best version of yourself.

A person who loves you well will not “keep score.”  He or she will not overcomplicate your every mistake with a list of all the things you have ever done that were problematic in any way.  However, that person will continue to believe in the best version of you, the person you can grow to be, and will encourage you to become that person.

How do you know what kind of person to trust?  You can observe the person’s response under stress, the way the person treats subordinates and strangers, the way the person treats his/her parents (There are some families that are so toxic that a person may have to limit or cut off contact, but this is not the norm and should not be a person’s automatic response to imperfection.), the way that person talks about others when they are not around, the level of honesty a person demonstrates, whether the person can hear others or is always focused on self, and other signals discussed in the podcast today.  Do not gloss over the evidence of a person’s character, hoping it will simply be what you want it to be.  There is a difference between demanding perfection and simply acknowledging character and choice patterns.  We will not find perfect people with whom to have personal relationships, but a basic fit in value systems matters very much.

It is also important to look at your own life and identify how to get help for yourself.  James 5:16 tells us to confess our sins to one another and pray for each other so that we may be healed.  This does not mean that you make everything public, but it does mean you have to open up to some others sometimes, especially about your struggles.  The passage goes on to talk about the prayer of a “righteous” person being powerful and effective; this tells us something about the person or people in whom we can confide.  “Righteous” does not mean that the person will be perfect; the only perfection available to human beings on earth is the perfection Jesus accomplished, the perfection God now sees in us when we trust in what Jesus did for us.  But, when deciding to confide in someone, make sure the person sees himself/herself through this lens rather than thinking he/she is perfect outside of that.  The person should know how to mess up and recover and should take seriously the love of God for each one of His children. 

Sometimes we do not want to ask for help from others.  We feel embarrassed at having our sin exposed for what it is and can begin to get wrapped up in everything we could and should be, which paralyzes us.  Remember, God wants to help you learn who you really, truly are, why He created you, what the point was, and why He is happy that He made you.  Often, He uses us to help each other learn these things.  It is okay to ask for help.  You may have to keep asking until you get what we need, but you are worth that.  Remember that Jesus accepted help from Simon of Cyrene when He could no longer carry His own cross.  Accepting help changes things forever.  Be a leader in your family, community, etc., by getting the help you need and doing what it takes to become all that God means for you to be.  You only have one life.  Get what you need so you can live it.  Your struggles do not just impact you, even if it seems like they are not hurting anyone else; your struggles really do affect the people in your life, as well.  Get over yourself for their sake and yours; ask for help in order to pursue the life God intended for you to have. 

Sometimes we need help from professionals.  What are some signs that you might need professional help?  Well, if you are struggling with something dangerous, illegal, immoral, or unethical, you may need help to loosen its hold.  Thoughts of harming yourself or someone else indicate you need help in your journey.  Sad or anxious feelings that seem overwhelming or come with troubling thoughts, difficulty concentrating, or changes in energy level can be a sign.  Specific problems that impact your life, such as addictive or compulsive habits, can be a sign, as well.  Distress itself can mean that you need help.  A sense or feedback from others that you are losing touch with reality can also be an important sign; while people are often embarrassed about this one, it is just another human coping skill that, like other coping skills, can cause problems if we do not get help.  Do not despise the human condition; humans need help.  So take care of the one God loves (by which we mean you) by getting the help you need.  Even if you don’t value yourself, God values you highly.  You can join Him in that.

Defensiveness

Why do human beings get defensive?  Why does defensiveness feel so powerful when it arises inside us?  And what can we do to deal with it?

Defensiveness is a way to protect the self-concept; it often occurs when a person perceives that his image or self-image is under attack.  The truth is that we spend a lot of time misrepresenting ourselves to one another and to ourselves; it is hard to admit to ourselves and to others that we are really not all that we ought to be.  Our misrepresentations are distortions of reality.  Some of those misrepresentations can seem harmless or even helpful at times; we may try to appear confident during public speaking, which may actually increase our confidence over time.  We might try to present ourselves as being in a good mood when we are actually depressed, and, in some cases, this may cheer us somewhat or help us not to be too vulnerable in front of the wrong people.  But distorting reality is a slippery slope, and our behavior can easily slip into the realm of lying.  We deceive ourselves and others into believing only the positive aspects of our personalities.  Then, when we have a sense that our other parts are going to be exposed, or when we start to suspect that we have been lying to ourselves and are about to have to face an uncomfortable reality, we feel afraid.  Anxiety and guilt can occur when we recognize that we are not who we really should be or that others do not see us the way we want to be seen.  (This happens a lot in couples, workplaces, and other settings where it becomes hard, unwise, or impossible to maintain our positive-only presentations over time.)  Defensiveness offers to help alleviate that guilt and anxiety.  It offers a sense of protection when we perceive ourselves to be under attack. 

We have lots of defense mechanisms for self-protection, and they are not all unhealthy.  In fact, sometimes defense mechanisms can help us survive in positive ways.  But unhealthier defense mechanisms help us accept who we are without trying to change, and that is not best for us or for those around us.  (Healthy acceptance of who we are does not mean agreeing with all our own tendencies or defending our own bad choices.)  Another problem with the unhealthy use of defense mechanisms is that, when we distort reality, communication suffers.  We may not even be aware of what we are doing, or we may realize it as we are doing it but not stop.  Then we try to bolster ourselves, and this is where trouble comes.  We think our defense mechanisms are helping us be more courageous, but this is wrong.  We become liars because we do not like what we know is true.

Human beings have lots of defense mechanisms.  (And, remember, there can be healthy ways to protect ourselves.)  By becoming aware of the most common defense mechanisms, we can use them less often, becoming happier and more secure about who we are.  This is a step toward more effective communication, better relationships with ourselves and others, and, ultimately, a better relationship with reality.  We do not have to spend our whole lives constantly defending ourselves, and doing so tends to lead us toward being things we were never meant to be.

Here are a few of the most common defense mechanisms, starting with the most primitive:

1. Denial of reality: This is simply trying to pretend that what is true is not true, and what is not true is, in fact, true. 
2. Rationalization: This is trying to justify what we know is not really OK; it is thinking up a logical but untrue explanation for your behavior.  It may begin with convincing ourselves, but we may go beyond trying to convince ourselves and try to get everybody else to agree that our justification is right.
3. Compensation: This is when we avoid facing a problem by stressing a strength in its place; perhaps we try to be so good in one way that it will balance, erase, or distract from the ways in which we are not so good. There are also more direct forms of compensation, such as using alcohol to avoid loneliness; we simply seek something that feels good in order to minimize our awareness of the bad.
4. Reaction formation: This is acting in a way that is exaggerated and opposite to the actual truth. Perhaps we rail against a particular evil in public, hiding the fact that we cannot seem to stop indulging in the behavior in secret.  Perhaps we insist we do not care what others think, wrapping our identity around apathy or nonconformity to avoid our fears that we will fail to be what others want. 
5. Projection: This is disowning unpleasant or unwanted parts of ourselves and attributing them instead to another person, a fantasy, or something else outside ourselves. We may insist that someone else seems upset when, in fact, we are down ourselves, or that someone else is untrustworthy when, really, we do not trust ourselves. 

In order to more effectively deal with our own defensiveness, we first have to identify it.  One way to do this is to notice when we feel attacked.  We can notice our alarm signals, our breathing, the sensations in our bodies.  Warning signs of defensiveness can include tightening gut, adrenaline rush, a sense of threat or rejection, paranoia, quickening pulse or breathing, etc.  It is important that we monitor our bodies and our thoughts. Sometimes these warning signals indicate that we are in actual danger, while other times they simply mean we perceive some kind of challenge to our image or self-image. 

Next, we can find a way to take a break, or at least a breath.  We can intercept the physical symptoms.  We can excuse ourselves to the restroom, splash water in our faces, take short walks and long, deep breaths, remind ourselves of reality, remind ourselves we do not have to be perfect and what gives us worth, remind ourselves we are loved, etc.  We can even leave the environment elegantly.  We can keep ourselves safe without being defensive.  Remember, we control our actions, but the responses that come to those actions are out of our control.   Thoughts are particularly crucial when avoiding defensiveness; we can respond to a negative with a something positive internally.  And sometimes we can avoid situations in the first place that are likely to provoke our deepest vulnerabilities, reducing the likelihood that we will start to react defensively. 

We can learn to control our defensiveness; if we do not do so, we make life difficult for ourselves and others.  Dealing with defensive people can be exhausting.  The best way to blunt the effects of someone else’s defensiveness is to avoid becoming defensive in return, even when provoked.  We can acknowledge to ourselves that a given problem is the other person’s and not yours.  We can be friendly and listen well, resisting the urge to evaluate, criticize, or suggest.  Remember, we do not always have to prove our points or show someone else that he is wrong.  We can consider whether we have the relationship to address a problem with that person, whether anyone is being harmed, etc.  Defensiveness is a self-esteem issue, and, when you deal with someone who is defensive, you are dealing with someone who has self-esteem issues.  Avoid getting sucked into a superiority battles.  We can offer empathy without agreeing and can detach in a way that frees others and ourselves.

Identity Issues

Our society focuses a lot on identity.  We take personality tests, craft careful social media posts, curate bumper stickers, and select our preferences --news channels, political parties, even our churches -- with an eye toward presenting ourselves as who we think we are or who we want to be.  But, for all our self-fascination, we have surprisingly little security.  Even arrogance does not necessarily indicate confidence.  Even those of us who believe human beings are made in the image of God may find that concept hard to embrace, hard to live out.  Why do we have such problems with self-esteem? 

Human identity is a battleground for a much bigger war than we often acknowledge.  Our creation in the image of God means we were designed for the highest purpose imaginable: to reflect the glory of God.  Satan was an archangel who was also created to display the glory of God, though in a different way, but he wanted that glory for himself.  His pride caused him to rebel and be cast out of heaven.  To get back at God, he sought to deceive God’s image-bearers (also known as human beings) into choosing our own will over God’s (Genesis 3), and, as a result, we lost the glory God intended for us and forfeited our communion and fellowship with Him, becoming slaves to sin and Satan (Romans 6:17). 

Look at human identity in Genesis 3.  Satan deceived Eve with the implication that God could not be trusted with her identity – that God was, in fact, lying to her to keep her from being all she could be (i.e., “like God”).  He basically told her that disobeying God was the way to fully reach her potential, and Eve wagered her identity on the serpent’s information, which turned out to be a lie.  Adam, who was with her at the time, chose his wife over God, paying more attention to her feelings and thoughts about the situation than to the truth God had given them.  As a result, he lost his secure status with God, his power, his sense of adequacy and security.  Man was led into arrogance, despair, and a sense of inadequacy.

Jesus came to bring us back to Himself and to redeem creation, but this process is not yet complete in all its implications.  We were made for glory but born into exile, and even those of us who receive His rescue are shaped for now by the influences of our bodies, our families, our surroundings, our limitations.  In Romans 7:15-17, Paul expresses frustration with the state of our own humanity in a fallen world.  Without the secure base of knowing the One from Who we were made – without that as our automatic understanding of who we are – we engage in a continual search for significance through the approval of others.  Like Adam did with Eve, we value the opinions of others more than the truth of God, and we make our choices based on them rather than on the one Who made them and us.  We continually fail to turn to God for the truth about ourselves, thinking that we are what others say we are, and we have extreme difficulty separating our identity from behavior.  With this belief system stamped into our brains, we live by the following equation:

               others’ opinions + my performance = my self-worth.

When we are dependent on our performance for identity, learn to be manipulative (Proverbs. 23:7), develop a “have-to” mentality (e.g., have to have ___, have to do ___, have to be ___), and feel trapped.

While this process is universal, it also plays differently in the development of each individual.  In addition to being personally fallen, human beings are reared by other fallen human beings called “parents.”  Our parents are supposed to model the character of God for us as we develop, relating to us much as God does, but in a fallen world parents love children with imperfect love and give an imperfect picture of how God interacts with us.  This imperfect love exists with varying degrees of dysfunction, and some children receive a far more skewed picture of God than others.  Parents who communicate conditional love to their children predispose them to performance-oriented behavior, which is ultimately about chasing a feeling; it is the drive that says, “If ______, then I’ll be happy/ loved/ able to relax.”  Performance-oriented behavior leads us to so much fear, worthlessness, and despair.  It is difficult to understand the Fatherhood of God when childhood experiences (e.g., abuse, abandonment, not feeling wanted) give such a different picture of what a parent is like and what a child is worth.  This leads to difficulty nurturing and trusting ourselves, trusting others, internalized doubt and shame about who we are, over-wrought thinking about ourselves in an attempt to make it better, etc.

Societies also display different versions of fallen behavior.  In our society, for example, the last few decades have seen women trying to get identity from competing with men, trying to outdo them, trying to get self-esteem from how they rank with men.  This is a different way to chase self-esteem than those seen in societies with different value systems, but all the ways of chasing self-esteem outside the foundation of bearing God’s image are ultimately futile and tend to lead us in downward spirals.

So how do we repair self-esteem? 

-We acknowledge the problems we have with it.  We acknowledge their origin, including the pain we have experienced because of our own choices, the wounds we have from the choices of others, and the pain we have caused others. 

-We rejoin with God, which we are allowed to do because Jesus has paid for our sin, giving us the right to approach God again.  We acknowledge Him as our Creator, asking Him to show us who we are and to restore and build the sense of identity He intended for each of us individually. 

-We forgive ourselves and others (a short phrase that describes a big process). 

-We accept that loving ourselves is acceptable to God, that it is what He wants (Matthew 22:39).  

-We validate ourselves and our own worth based on God’s decision to love us.  Remember, He defines reality; it is not defined by our own feelings and thoughts about ourselves. This does not mean we dismiss or despise our own feelings (feelings are important and don’t really ask our permission to exist), but it does mean we deny them the responsibility or right to define everything (That’s actually not what they’re for.).  When we accept God’s right to define reality rather than insisting we understand it better than He does, we start to find out who we are.  We also start to enjoy the goodness of God instead of making Him work so hard to convince us of His love.

-We learn to know ourselves and to manage our own feelings and personalities effectively.  For example, if we are more sensitive, we acknowledge that and become safe adults for ourselves, giving ourselves safety instead of demanding that others provide safety for us.  We learn to respond to criticism and to live out our values.  Essentially, we learn to be for ourselves the parents we wish we had had as children.  We become safe adults to the child-like parts of ourselves.

-We let go of perfectionism. 

-We learn to be assertive rather than passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive.  We learn to maintain healthy boundaries. 

-We meditate on who we are in Christ.  We learn to walk in His love.

-Sometimes we write strong affirmations.  Affirmation creates within us a strong belief in that which we are affirming.

Remember, low self-esteem is with us because we are fallen, but we do not have to let it steal from us on an ongoing basis.  We can journey back to reality by going to the One Who made us.  The One Who gave us the gift of existence still knows who we are, and He looks forward to helping each of us find out and enjoy who we are meant to be.

Stories of the Seen

Stories have power, regardless of whether they are true.  True stories, however, have special power, and God kindly gives us so many examples of how He deals with humans.  Today Cinthia discusses the stories of three real people who encountered the mercy of God: John Newton, Hagar, and Sarai.

John Newton was profane even for a sailor.  He denounced God.  He was a slave trader.  He rebelled against authority no matter how much it harmed him to do so.  Newton became aware of God’s mercy on him when he was protected during a terrible storm at sea, and over the next several years he changed.  He renounced the slave trade and became known for writing the great hymn which states, “Amazing grace – how sweet the sound – that saved a wretch like me.” 

Do you resonate with Newton’s story at all?  Are you aware of having fought against God, of having done real harm to other people, of being a “wretch” who keeps digging the hole of your life a little deeper?  Can you see yet that His love is pursuing you?  What does God have to do to get your attention, to get you to see His redeeming love?  You have a calling on your life.  How long will you run from it?

Hagar, whose story we read in the Bible (Genesis 16), was a young girl.  She was the maid-servant of Sarai, a wealthy older woman who had been unable to have children.  Sarai gave Hagar to her husband Abram as a concubine, hoping she would become pregnant on Sarai’s behalf.  When Hagar conceived, she resented Sarai, looking on her with contempt.  Sarai complained to her husband, who said this was Sarai’s business and that she could do as she liked with Hagar, and Sarai did -- The Bible says that Sarai then “dealt harshly with” Hagar, to the point that Hagar fled from her into the desert, where the angel of the LORD found her.  He asked from whence she came and where she was going.  After she answered, the angel told her to “return to your mistress and submit to her,” then told Hagar about the plan God had for her family, the children that would come through her.  And, apparently, Hagar understood that God was answering the need of her heart; her response was to call Him “the God Who sees me.”  His answer gave her the strength to go back to what had previously been unbearable; knowing herself to be deeply seen by God changed everything. 

Do you relate to Hagar?  Has your life been shaped by the decisions of other people, the needs they wanted you to fill without really seeing you as a person on your own?  Have you taken on the roles given to you until it got more painful and complicated than you could stand?  Have you reacted to hurt in ways that made things worse?  Have you been in situations you longed to escape but could not, or thrown yourself into desperate attempts to get away from what you could not handle?  God sees you.  He sees you.  Deeply, accurately, lovingly – He sees you.  Listen for His voice.  You were made for His purposes, not yours or theirs.  He will make a way for you.  If it applies, stop doing unhealthy things to be seen by others.  Where have you come from, and where are you going?  Pray your thoughts to God.  Ask Him why you are alive.  You can say things to Him that just pour out of your heart, such as, “Please, God, find me.  I need to be found by you.  I’m afraid for you to see what I’ve done.  Have you turned away from me?”  He does not simply provide for our physical needs without looking at us (Orphanage workers in certain places were told to do this with babies as a precaution, and all the infants died in those now-infamous situations.).  God looks fully into your face and into your heart, and He will meet the needs that are there.

In the same passage we see Sarai.  She longed for children, and the longing had gone unanswered month after month, year after year, until there was no natural hope left.  She knew God had promised Abram a child, and giving her maidservant to her husband was considered acceptable in her culture.  Did she think she was doing the right thing?  Was she simply greedy, determined, and willing to use others to get what she wanted?  Did she tell herself this was the unselfish path?  Whatever her motive, she chose the path that made sense to her at the time, and it backfired.  Her shame multiplied, and, when she went to her husband for help, he told her that she was on her own to fix it.  She chose her own way again, this time lashing out at Hagar.  But God still had a plan for Sarai, and He gave her a baby, too.  Even though Sarai had not trusted the mercy of God in all the ways He deserved to be trusted, He remained faithful to her.  She finally held her own child, the child of promise, and, along with Abram, named him Isaac, which means laughter.

Are you like Sarai, carrying the constant ache of deep, unmet longing?  Does it seem like the cry of your heart goes unheard, like you have not been given what would have been so easy for God to give, and like maybe you just need to cut your losses and take what you can get?  Are you ready to count yourself out and accept a solution that may not be best but that seems like the only way to get even a little bit of what you need?  Does it seem that your problems are the ones that get left behind for you to fix yourself, grasping at whatever solution seems least hopeless to you at the time?  Have you become harsh in situations where you still have some control?  God sees you, too, just as He saw Hagar and just as He saw Sarai.  He is not ignoring your longings.  He has not forgotten or discounted you.  He knows your pain, and He wants to carry it with you.  He really does have a plan to lavish you with His mercy and grace, even if you have tried to do things your own way and made a complete mess of life for yourself and for others.

Sarai and Hagar both did it their way.  Out of their pain, they took things into their own hands and did not trust the mercy of their Father in heaven.  Both were in situations beyond their own control, and both reacted in ways that made things worse.  But both received the mercy and grace of God. 

Hebrews 13:5 says that God will never forsake us, but we feel forsaken, even by Him.  This verse is hard to believe sometimes.  So ask Him about it, and then ask Him for help to trust that He is with you.  God is the God Who sees us.  He is always kind.  He really does know His people.  He is kind and understanding.  He gives us strength to endure the hard things, and He walks with us through those things.

Whether you relate to one or more of these individuals, God says, “Trust Me.  I am the God Who sees you.  You may not see Me, but I see you.  I am not uninvolved.  I am doing things in your life that are beyond your comprehension, and they have to take their course.  I am the Way, and I know My own way for you.  I am the God Who knows you.  You are of immense value to me.  I am in the waiting.  I am the God of formation, and I know My process within you.  You can trust the One Who died for you.”  And you can say to Him, “You are the God Who sees me, and I need to be the one who believes You.  I need to accept the value You give me and act on it.”  And then, as we grow in this, we are called to see others, looking on them with compassion and love, seeing the unseen.  Teresa of Avila said that Christ has no hands and feet on the earth right now except ours.  When we know we are seen by Him, we can practice seeing with His eyes and reaching out with His love. 

How to Be Inspired (6-2-24)

Today Cinthia discusses motivation and inspiration, two concepts that are related but not identical.  She uses a variety of quotes and offers a number of questions to ask ourselves as we examine our own ongoing motivation and inspiration.  The first was the following by Thomas Carlyle: “Let him who would be moved to convince others be first moved to convince himself.”  You cannot motivate others if you are not motivated by your own mission or vision.  Motivation and inspiration are contagious, as are negativity, skepticism, and cynicism.

The relationship between motivation and inspiration is somewhat cyclical; Cinthia says, “We motivate to inspire and inspire to motivate.”  Motivation can be intrinsic or extrinsic, but it culminates in an inner drive to do something and behave in a certain way; it is what moves us from desire to will.  Inspiration makes us want to do something or gives us an idea about what to do.  Both are important, and both can be helped by resources from the outside.  But, as Cinthia emphasized, at the end of the day the best motivation and inspiration are the ones we have internalized, the ones that now come from inside of us.

As an example, Cinthia described her own passion for therapy, which was her life’s work for decades, and its related services, such as the life coaching and pastoral counseling she now offers.  Cinthia explained that, although she initially did not want to be a therapist, she has come to believe in the process so strongly that no one now needs to coerce or talk her into doing it; she has seen it work so well and so often for so many that she is self-motivated to help others through these methods.  She also noted that her engagement in this broadcast/podcast is intrinsically motivated.  Because she has come to believe in these things so strongly, her deep belief overrides her aversion to having to “sell” things like counseling, psychoeducation, and other passions.  She reports having learned the following: “I can’t produce or sustain outside of me what is not inside of me,” and, “The outside emanates from the inside; we work from the inside out.”

So how do we take responsibility for our own motivation and inspiration?  External resources (like this show!) can certainly help, but, in the long run, adults need to take responsibility for their own motivation and inspiration instead of just waiting for the world to inspire and motivate them.  This is especially important for those who lead since motivating and inspiring others can be part of the job.

So here are some questions to consider:

-What is the purpose of your life?  If you have listened to the show for long, you will know that Cinthia regularly encourages asking your Creator why you were made since He did, in fact, make you uniquely for a reason.  Because you were created by God, you have intrinsic value regardless of your actions, and no one else can fulfill the unique purpose for which you were made.  Are you clear on your life mission and the gifts only you can give?

-Are the things you are doing aligned with your life mission and values?  Are you able to explain why you are doing what you are doing?  Do you have passion and desire for what you are doing?  What are you trying to accomplish through it?  Remember what Charles Hummel said: “The need itself is not the call.”  You cannot meet all the world’s needs.  What is your piece to address?  (Such passion can exist at different levels, by the way.  You may not have passion for your current job but have great passion to take care of your family, and the paycheck from this job may do that.  While it is great to seek out ways to eventually move into a job about which you are more passionate and which gives you greater enjoyment, motivation and inspiration do not necessarily have to wait until every task in your life is one you find exciting.)

-Are your ways of promoting what you believe simple and authentic to you?  It is okay if people do not like your ideas; sometimes this helps you screen out unrealistic or less-than-optimal ideas, while other times it is important to move forward despite the opinions of others.  Are you communicating your ideas in ways that flow naturally from your own passion, or does it feel forced?  Telling your own story is not the same as selling, but it often helps people understand the value we see in particular methods or ideas.  On a related note, are you willing to receive feedback, and do you know how to sort the feedback you will embrace and the feedback you will ignore?

-What motivates you?  What demotivates you?  Often extrinsic motivation does not “stick” as well as intrinsic motivation does, but knowing what internal and external resources are inspirational and motivational to you means you can take ownership of both.

-If you are a leader, do you know your people?  Are you committed to them, and can they tell this from your actions?  What are their needs and gifts? 

-What is the story of your life?  How are you managing the pain and struggles it involves?  Do you exercise good boundaries, good self-care, not taking others’ feelings too personally, forgiveness, and letting the relational process cause you to mature and deepen?  Do you struggle with perfectionism and control, or are you like the starfish that, when it loses a leg, grows a new one?

-On what do you rest your faith?  Is it something that is bigger than you are?  Proverbs 29:18 says, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”  People are too mistake-making for the pressure that comes with getting all our motivation from one another.  Your faith is far too valuable to be guarded by another person.  What is the foundation of your life?

-What is your kryptonite?  Are you sabotaging yourself with habits and behaviors that are unhelpful, or is the good in your life being the enemy of the best?  How do you talk to yourself in your head?  Are you caring for yourself well enough to keep from having to think about yourself all the time?  How do you interact with others?  (Remember, sometimes it’s better to be in relationship than to be right.  It’s one thing to know what is important enough that you will not compromise it; it is another thing to be obnoxious about proving yourself right all the time.)

-Am I having fun?  Not every task in life can be fun, but some things should be.

Adults cannot depend on the external world to meet their internal needs.  Adults have to own the task of motivating and inspiring themselves, including the task of selecting the external resources that help with this.  Adults who interact with children have to help children create internal worlds in which they can live safely and well, and adults cannot do this well without having learned to do it for themselves.  How is your internal world?  What motivates you?  What inspires you?  How will you incorporate these things more helpfully into your life? 

Why Are You So Hard on Yourself?

For many of us, the harshest litany in our lives is the stream of self-evaluations running through our heads.  This can seem harmless and even necessary to control our behavior; it is easily confused with appropriately holding ourselves accountable.  But the way we deal with ourselves reveals a lot about our views of reality, and it tends to leak out into our relationships with others, though we may not be aware of that.  Today Cinthia looks at two big (and related) reasons we are so hard on ourselves: unforgiveness and perfectionism.

Cinthia states that the following is an important rule of life: We accept forgiveness, and we offer forgiveness.  These two actions often seem separate to us, and most of us find one easier than the other.  The two are bound together, however, as Jesus showed in Matthew 6:9-13, often called “The Lord’s Prayer,” and in Matthew 7:12, often called “the Golden Rule.”  (This last has reflections and corollaries that are found in every major religion, indicating that God has written it into our hearts at a deep level.)  Jesus taught us to pray, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.”  He told us to do to others what we would want them to do to us.  And He told us that the second-greatest commandment is to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30-31).  Our relationships with others and our approach to ourselves cannot be separated; this is why unforgiveness on either side of the equation produces sickness and disease in our bodies and souls. 

Giving and receiving forgiveness both require an understanding of what forgiveness is not, as well as what forgiveness is.  Forgiveness is not minimizing the offense, dismissing it, condoning it, or saying the offense was understandable or okay.  Forgiving a bad thing does not mean calling it a good thing.  It does not mean we will allow the harm to keep happening or will pretend the harm never happened; remember, trust and accountability are often separate issues from forgiveness.  Forgiveness does not necessarily mean we will forget what happened; in some cases, that would not be safe to do.  Forgiveness means that we turn the debt over to God and let Him handle the accounts.  We stop trying to exact payment on our own, whether from ourselves or others.  We give up the roles of prosecutor, judge, jury, and executioner.  We see ourselves and others as valuable in spite of the choices made; we see people (including ourselves) as more than just the sum of actions committed.

For those who struggle with self-forgiveness, self-forgiveness can seem wrong, as if it dismisses the seriousness of the choice or the harm done by it.  It seems too easy to let ourselves walk away from what we did.  The problem is that God is the Judge, not us.  He has made a way to forgive us because of what Jesus did on the cross.  Receiving and embracing His forgiveness is not a dismissal of the seriousness of our actions or the harm done; after all, any choice that requires the blood of God’s Son to pay for it is serious.  But adding our own mental self-punishment to Jesus’s sacrifice is not the same as taking our sin seriously; our self-flagellation cannot add ever equal the horror of the punishment He took for us.  If we take our own sin seriously, we must also take seriously what He did about it.

Self-forgiveness means that we choose to live at peace with ourselves because God has chosen to live at peace with us.  We may still attempt to repair damage done when that is possible (e.g., acknowledging, apologizing, making attempts to restore what we took from someone else when that is possible, etc.), but we recognize that refusing to forgive ourselves does not repair anything or help anyone.  We choose to walk away from the mental torture of holding onto our sins and mistakes.  We choose to see ourselves as more than our offenses.  Cinthia models a statement like this one: “I am not proud of what I did, and I do not condone or minimize it.  But I am choosing to move forward for the sake of my own health and well-being, as well the health and well-being of those who love me and those I am meant to impact.”  You see, forgiving ourselves affects our relationships in ways we may not expect until we see it happen. 

We are to forgive ourselves and others as we have been forgiven.  But, if you struggle with this, remember that forgiveness is a process.  Be patient with yourself, but do more than just resolve to forgive.  Take steps to back up your forgiveness.  When forgiving yourself, this may mean using some kind of meditation or affirmations to work on the way you talk to yourself and cut off the litany of mental self-harm that has become wired into your brain.  It may mean choosing positive self-treatment even when you do not feel deserving of it, choosing to show love toward yourself with some kind of action that makes things better and not worse.  It may mean seeing a therapist or life coach, keeping a diary, or engaging in your faith in a different way.  Sometimes the refusal to forgive yourself becomes so entrenched that releasing it entails a loss of identity; without the self-judgment and orientation around our mistakes, you have to go to God and find out who He meant you to be and where He wants your life to go.  Until now, you have been focused on your sins and mistakes; where will you go when you release yourself from this?

For some people, though, self-forgiveness is difficult even when the offense is simply being human or failing to meet unrealistic expectations.  This is perfectionism.  If you struggle with it, consider therapy or counseling of some kind because perfectionism will impact your life and the lives of those around you.  Living our lives in self-loathing often involves making too much of the judgment calls of others, mentally echoing their negative evaluations of us again and again; if we try to get all our good feelings from other people, we will live in constant fear or regret over failing their expectations.  Remember, you do not have to forgive yourself for being what God made you to be, though you may need to forgive yourself for not being what He meant you to be.  Again, find out from Him who He made you to be and what purpose He has for your life.  Make the changes needed to follow the purpose for which you were made.  Have the conversation with God, "Why did you make me?"  Base your self-assessments on the intentions of your Creator, not those of the people around you or your own ideas about who you should be.  If you see yourself as needing to meet a higher standard than others, you probably need to look at this; it can, in fact, be quite arrogant to insist on being better than others.  If surpassing others is what protects you from shame attacks, this is unstable.  God made you a person.  You are unique, even in the ways you mess up.  But if you are evaluating your mess-ups by your own need to avoid the messiness of being human, you will not be able to face your life effectively.  Martha Beck said that "welcoming imperfection is the way to accomplish what perfectionism promises but never delivers." 

Incorporate appropriate self-acceptance into your lifestyle, and remember that acceptance does not mean agreeing or condoning all the choices.  Laugh more; laughter is truly the best medicine.  Give yourself some freedom to stop taking everything so seriously.  Living in a state of being unable to forgive requires a lot of energy -- the constancy of hurt and blame is exhausting.  Forgiveness allows you to live in the present instead of in the past.  The only reason we revisit the past is to learn from it, not to beat up on ourselves.  Self-forgiveness and self-acceptance increases our kindness to others.  It allows us to live in the present, which opens the future with purpose; we can build instead of being held back.  Practice accepting your emotions.  And remember, you have no control over what people say and do, but you can choose whether to base your own life on the mixed-up feelings of others.  Someone was hard on the people who were hard on you; break the chain by refusing to be hard on yourself and others.  Learn from the past, and be grateful that you get to move forward.  Take care of yourself.  You are important to God.  You are beautifully and wonderfully made.  Accept this reality, and act on it.

Redemption, Protection, and Safety, with an Interview with Kevin Sorbo

Today's broadcast had two parts.  The first was an interview with Kevin Sorbo, a well-known actor who has played many roles, including that of Hercules in Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and that of Captain Dylan Hunt in Andromeda.  He is currently promoting a movie that will be coming out in August called Firing Squad, in which Sorbo acts along with James Barrington and Cuba Gooding, Jr.  The movie is based on a true story about three men facing execution in Indonesia and the hope and redemption that broke out in a terrible place.  Sorbo also discussed a book he wrote about his own experiences nearly dying from an aneurism and having four strokes as a result; the book is called True Strength: My Journey from Hercules to Mere Mortal and How Nearly Dying Saved My Life and details what it was like to go so quickly from being in Hollywood shape to being unable to get himself out of bed.  Like the movie discussed earlier, the book offers hope and redemption.  The book also describes Sorbo's understanding that God has not promised us easy lives and that blaming Him for the trouble on earth is counterproductive.  He reports that many people have told him his book inspired them to stop feeling sorry for themselves in the wake of legitimately difficult experiences and life changes, and to move forward with hope.  
Sorbo and Cintiha discussed themes of accepting the work of the Creator in our lives.  Cinthia stated, "He thought you up.  He knew you before you were born," and she compared the destruction and harm we sometimes level at our own bodies with going into the Louvre and starting to destroy the works of art.  She spoke of the work it takes to undo and redo much of the damage that has been done and that continues to happen.  Cinthia also praised Sorbo's example and portrayal of masculinity as a positive thing.  She stated, "We really need our men to be men... When you emasculate men, everything falls apart... [Men are] made for a reason, and that reason is to take care of the world."  Sorbo also has a book coming out on this topic called The Bare Essentials of Fatherhood, which can be explored through Brave Books.
After the interview with Sorbo, Cinthia continued the broadcast, discussing Matthew 19:13-14 in which Jesus told His disciples not to hinder the "little ones" from coming to Him since the Kingdom of Heaven "belongs to such as these."  While acknowledging that Jesus was at least partly speaking about actual children, she also suggested that His meaning went beyond this, that the "little ones" are all those whom we should be protecting.  This includes all those who are vulnerable, including ourselves.  She urges us not to "get in the way of God finding and saving every single human that He has made."  Cinthia points out that we are all little children next to God, that we will never become His contemporaries but become His children when we come to Jesus.  As adults, we often come to rely on ourselves and emphasize independence.  We may get in the way of the "little ones" by shaming them, speaking harshly to them, scorning their dependence in our rush to make them independent.  We may shoo away those whose faith is weak by arguing over biblical interpretations unnecessarily instead of befriending people and allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work.  We may get in the way of our own vulnerable selves through harsh, shaming self-talk or scorning our own dependency needs that lead us to Jesus.
Children were brought to Jesus because He was safe, and He insisted that the children be allowed to come to Him.  The vulnerable are very important to God.  He is a loving Father.  He has died and resurrected because He loves us so much.  He would never harm His children.  We need to remind ourselves of His goodness and join Him in His endeavors by being good parents to our own inner children.  We need to handle each other gently.  In heaven's economy, the little ones matter.  The Message version of these verses says that people brought children to Jesus "in hope that He would lay hands on them and pray for them," and He did.  Jesus intervened when the disciples tried to stop the "little ones" from taking up His time.  He did not move to the next thing until He had taken the children on His lap, laid hands on them, and blessed them. 
The disciples who tried to shoo the children away thought they were helping Jesus.  They thought they were honoring the Lord, and sometimes we think that, too.  We think we are standing up for what is right when we argue fruitlessly about less-crucial doctrinal issues with people who are struggling just to come to Jesus.  We think we are aiding in our own sanctification when we internally shame and speak harshly to ourselves.  We minimize the importance of the least of these instead of laying down a red carpet for them to run to Jesus.  We minimize our own need for Jesus because we think as adults we should have it together.
Don't discourage others' hope or minimize your own.  If you can't support others in coming to Jesus, then (as Jesus told the disciples) let them alone.  Jesus said it would be better to have a millstone hung around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea than to cause one of these "little ones" to stumble.  Sometimes God would rather we be quiet than say the things that we do, things that cause each other to stumble.  We must be more careful how we treat God's children--- including ourselves, since we also are vulnerable.  It does not help God to be mean and harsh to ourselves and cause ourselves to stumble.
Let us come to Him like little children, for the Kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.  Lay down your ways of supporting yourself, and allow yourself to come to Jesus with the hope that He will touch your life, that He will lay His hands on you and bless you.  Ask Him to lay hands on you, and acknowledge your need for Him.  Don't add requirements on yourself that He does not place there.  Just come to Jesus and let Him hold you.

God Does Not Cover Up Bad Things; He Covers Us

I Peter 4:8 tells us, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.”  But what does this mean, and how do we walk it out in a healthy way?  Does it mean dismissing sin, hiding abuse and allowing it to continue, accepting ongoing mistreatment without ever setting a boundary?

Covering has several dimensions, and God is our example in all of them.  One aspect of covering is forgiveness, which is always associated with love, and the supreme example of this is Jesus taking our sin on Himself and dying for us.  In this way, God did more than just cover our sin; He completely did away with it.  He destroyed it.  He paid for it and satisfied what had to be done in response to it at a cosmic level.  God’s forgiveness of our sin is never a dismissal of its significance; justice and mercy meet in the cross.  So, when we follow His example by loving one another and forgiving as God, in Christ, forgave us, we do not dismiss the significance of how another has harmed us.  We acknowledge it, and we forgive, allowing the God Who alone can bring together justice and mercy to be the One to Whom vengeance belongs – After all, He is the only One Who can be trusted with it.

I Peter 4:8 addresses interpersonal relationships.  It gives us directions for dealing with each other day by day in a world where we really mess things up for each other sometimes.  What does it mean to let love cover “a multitude of sins” in our daily lives together?  Well, sometimes it means we let the little things go.  Sometimes as adults we have to learn not to “snag on” everything, or we will unravel. Human beings are so imperfect that addressing every little thing all the time just isn’t practical.  If we are going to have any kind of relationship with one another, we have to learn to let a few things go.  (In fact, Cinthia recommends doing this physically to help ourselves address things with a sense of humor: Cock your head to the left, and say, “Ignore;” then cock your head to the right and say, “Delete.”  This is the Cinthia Hiett Ignore/Delete Button for humans.)  This is particularly applicable when we know the person’s heart was not to harm us, when no malice was intended, when we are not deeply wounded or are simply able to let God heal the scratch without having to address it.  It means that we can refuse to let pettiness rule the day.

Some of us are genuinely more sensitive than others, and things may hurt more.  It is okay to acknowledge this pain, but we have to be careful not to overuse our sensitivity or require others to constantly tend to slights we could handle well.  Even if we are highly sensitive, we still have adult brains.  We can use logic, talk ourselves through things toward forgiveness, and differentiate between irritation and harm.  Proverbs 19:11 says that good sense makes one slow to anger and that it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.  Love allows us to overlook minor offenses, tolerate provocations, to see what is big and what just bugs us.

Sometimes, though, we do need to address things.  Covering does not always mean ignoring.  Another thing it means is that we can acknowledge the problem but put it into context, taking the other person’s struggles into account.  Love means we can give each other time to allow for the processes of growth and maturation.  Love can acknowledge the reality of what someone has cost us but also allow for undoing and redoing, which can be done by the person who takes his own errors seriously.  This is part of what it means that love protects – love does not shame the person but says, “I have your back.  I am praying for you.  You can fix this.”  Protecting is not sweeping sin under the rug; it just means we don’t throw people out.  The title of today’s show is “God Does Not Cover Up Bad Things; He Covers Us.”  God’s covering on earth is not intended as a ticket to do whatever we want and never consider the consequences for ourselves or others.  Romans 2:4 says that the kindness of God is meant to lead us to repentance.  He does not cover to enable sin but to lead us back to Him.  He gives us time to fix, to undo and redo, to learn and to grow.  And this is what we are to do for one another.  Covering does not preclude setting boundaries; boundaries protect love.  Covering does involve ignoring some things, but there are some things that should not be ignored.  In situations where we are trying to be deeply intimate with another person, there is less room to ignore, particularly if advantage is being taken and there is no effort at improvement.

We also have to accept this forgiveness for ourselves, forgiving ourselves as He forgives us; otherwise, our self-hatred takes over our lives and works its way out to others.  God’s forgiveness is not a buffet in which we get to choose forgiveness for ourselves separately from the forgiveness of others, or forgiveness of others but continued vengeance toward ourselves.  God’s forgiveness takes over our lives and changes our approach to all the humans, self and other, by the same Blood and the same Holy Spirit.  It even enables us to accept forgiveness from one another.

Cinthia discussed Matthew 18:3-5 several times today, explaining that Jesus used children to teach us about salvation, simplicity, and humility.  He said that we have to become like children in order to receive His kingdom.  Have you ever given a gift to a child?  Did that child refuse the gift, insisting he or she could not accept such extravagance?  Did the child insist on paying you back, complicating the gift by trying to discern what strings you might have attached?  Not likely.  As adults, we can really complicate things, but the heart and mind of a child has had less time to be hardened by the world.  Children simply receive a gift, showing trust in the giver and the giver’s intent.  This is how we have to accept the Kingdom of Heaven in order to receive it at all.

As God’s children, we receive His forgiveness, and we extend it to those who hurt us (including ourselves).  We accept His gift of covering for ourselves, and we extend that covering to one another.  This covering is not dismissal of our sin or tacit permission to continue doing whatever we want to do, regardless of the consequences; the One Who bore all our iniquities is not interested in glorifying or dismissing the seriousness of those iniquities.  But His prayer from the cross that God the Father forgive the ones killing Him because “they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34) indicates incredible mercy and amazing patience with human beings.  He knows that we do not understand the depth of the harm we cause (though this does not change the fact that we cause it or the consequences for those we hurt), and He not only pays for our sin Himself but walks us through the process of learning to be more like Him.  One of the ways we give back to Him is by not taking advantage of this; we are not to use His forgiveness as an excuse to do more harm.  We accept His carrying our sin for us, knowing that we cannot carry it ourselves, and we receive His mercy and grace daily as He walks us through the process of learning to follow Him.  We learn to love people, including but not limited to ourselves, as He does.  God is not saying that only little children are good, but that the adult part of us causes us to miss out on the love and chances and support God gives us.  Jesus enables us to be God’s children, and we are little children with God.  So practice being His little kid -- it is good practice for eternity.

I Corinthians 13 is often called “The Love Chapter,” and it says that love covers all wrongs.  We misunderstand this verse when we use it to protect sin; it is meant to protect the person, not their sin.  Love does not, for example, hide abuse and enable it to continue in the name of covering all wrongs.  Love addresses what needs to happen next.  Love does, however, refrain from gossiping about the sin; it does not allow us to use our brothers’ and sisters’ offenses as topics for our own entertainment, conversation with others, or superiority over others.  Love provides protection while someone works on fixing, undoing and redoing, learning and growing.  If someone is continually unwilling to do this, it may mean that the relationship is unhealthy.  Intimacy can only grow with a reasonable level of safety.  Putting others before ourselves does not mean that we become irrelevant, though it does allow us to see past a lot of things.  Seeing things in context is not the same as making excuses that justify what must not be allowed to continue.

Remember, God is our example of love because He is love.  He paid for our sin Himself, providing the ultimate Covering -- and He still loves us enough to hold us accountable.  He knows what sin does to us and to the world.  He chooses His battles and His timing, and He focuses on what matters most.  He really is covering a multitude of sins all the time, which is the only way we are all still here.  Receive His love, His mercy, His forgiveness, the covering He has provided -- and ask for His help to receive and accept it if this is a struggle for you!  Then ask Him for help learning to extend love’s covering to others.

What Is Really Happening: Interviews with Emily Erin Davis and Dr. Skop

The topic of abortion is making a huge appearance this election year, but political speeches often distort the realities on the ground.  Misinformation and carefully-crafted language can make it easy to think that a vote for abortion is a vote for the empowerment of women while a vote against it endangers women’s health, dignity, and welfare.  Today Cinthia interviews two women who are involved in the ongoing battle for the lives of babies in the womb and for legislation that truly protects the health of women and girls. 

[A note here:  We know that this topic can be deeply painful for many people, but avoiding it only causes more harm and pain.  If abortion is part of your story, please know that there is help and healing available and that God longs to pour out His mercy on us.  You can grieve; you can heal both from what has been done to you and from what you have done.  Please reach out to safe people for assistance.  Look for a safe, healthy pastor, therapist, or ministry that walks people through these journeys on a regular basis; many pregnancy resource centers have support groups or counseling available for those who have had abortions.]

Emily Erin Davis is the Vice President of Communications for Susan B. Anthony Pro-Life America.  She is an international communicator, author, and humanitarian who is also the mother of two children born from unplanned pregnancies by the time she was 22 years old.  She recalls being pressured to have abortions in each case, though she was able to withstand that pressure and have both children instead.  Davis confronts the idea that abortion is empowering to women.  She reports that the majority of surveyed women who have had abortions report that their abortions were inconsistent with their own values, with many reporting force or coercion having been used to influence them toward abortion.  Davis indicates that abortion coercion is a reality not being openly discussed, one that is highly relevant to the question of whether individual women’s choices are actually the ones being protected by abortion laws.  The majority report having had abortions for non-emergency reasons that had more to do with a lack of financial or emotional support than with a desire to choose abortion.  “This isn’t even the first choice of women,” says Davis.  “The pregnancy is not the problem.”  She states that women “want lifelines, not life-enders.”  Meanwhile, of women surveyed who considered abortion but chose instead to give birth, Davis reports that the percentage who now state they love these children and are glad they did not abort is in the “high nineties.”  She states that women with unplanned pregnancies often fear that “your life is over” because of the pregnancy, but that this is not the case.  “You are going to get through this,” she states, emphasizing that there are resources available and people who want to help.  “This is not the end for you or your child.”  She also notes, “Nobody complains that they did not have an abortion.”

Davis emphasizes that abortion is a human rights issue.  She reports that the United States is one of only seven countries in the world to allow elective abortion past 20 weeks of gestation, making us a “global outlier” and “a pariah” in the eyes of most countries in the world and categorizing us with countries such as China and Vietnam that are known more generally for human rights violations.  Davis is especially attuned to this concern since she grew up in Taiwan, where her father counseled many who had experienced the carnage of China’s abortion laws at that time; she recalls that girls, as well as boys with any kind of prenatal defect, were targeted for abortion at that time and place, though the specific targets of abortion can, she says, “change with the cultural wind.” 

Davis indicates that misinformation about the laws on ballots is prevalent right now.  For example, women in Ohio were recently told that they needed to vote for abortion legislation as a way of ensuring they would have access to miscarriage care, though this was untrue.  She says that parental consent and notification laws, conscience laws that protect doctors, etc., are being targeted by proposed laws around the country, particularly the “Women’s Health Protection Act,” which strips any and all protections against abortion (e.g., restrictions on the availability of abortion at any point in pregnancy, parental consent and notification laws, conscience laws for doctors, etc.).  U.S. funding is also being channeled toward Planned Parenthood and away from pregnancy resource centers.  Davis states that Biden, when asked to identify when human life begins, stated that this was “a Republican trap” and that he did not have to answer that.  Davis asks, “At what point does the child in the womb receive human rights?  At what point are they worthy of protection?”  Pelosi referred to abortion being important for our nation’s economy. 

Davis encouraged voters to pursue education about this topic and to know where representatives and other politicians stand; she explained that sbaprolife.org has information on each federal candidate, including stances and voting records.  She encouraged those who are pro-life to “lean into these uncomfortable conversations.”

Cinthia agrees with Davis that abortion is “sold as a way to fix things and move on” but that it “ignores the impact to the body and mind of the woman.”  She states that how we value the least of these impacts our own self-worth, and that a society that provides abortion on demand for humans but disallows euthanizing an animal without just cause has lost its perspective.  Even societies that sacrificed infants to pagan gods valued their children more than this, she explains, noting, “Babies were sacrificed to gods because they were valuable;” as horrific as those sacrifices were, our nation is devaluing these children even more by treating them as “throw-aways.”  Cinthia states that our society has developed a mentality that wants to make uncomfortable things simply disappear and that we need to understand our actions matter because we matter.

Cinthia visits next with Dr. Ingrid Skop, M.D., FACOG, an OB/Gyn who has delivered over 5,000 babies and is the Vice President and Director of Medical Affairs for the Charlotte Lozier Institute. Her bio, available at https://lozierinstitute.org/team-member/ingrid-skop-m-d-facog/, includes publication of research in multiple peer-reviewed articles regarding maternal mortality, abortion, and women’s health; providing expert testimony at the state and federal levels on legislation related to abortion; and opposing politicians who “choose not to follow the science regarding fetal heartbeat and development.”  Dr. Skop reports that misinformation is being used to accomplish political goals and that the reaction to the overturning of Roe v. Wade has been characterized by “fearmongering and lies.”  She states that we have been told maternal mortality is going to increase and that women will not get needed care, but that this is “absolutely untrue.”  Dr. Skop reports that every state with abortion restrictions allows for exception to protect the woman’s life, though this is hardly ever needed.  (Dr. Skop explains that it is necessary at times to deliver a baby early in order to save the life of the mother, but that everything is done in these cases to attempt to save the life of the child; actually needing to abort the child for the sake of the mother’s medical stability is rare.)  Dr. Skop reports that all states with abortion restrictions allow exceptions for ectopic pregnancies, for example, and that the spread of misinformation about these issues is an attempt to “frighten the public,” including pregnant women and doctors.  Dr. Skop explains that 95-97% of abortions in the U.S. are for financial and social reasons; she states that those who describe tragic medical circumstances to protect abortion access do not know or acknowledge that exceptions always exist in the laws for these circumstances.  She also indicates that the current access to abortion pills is itself medically dangerous to women since these medications are being mailed to anyone who requests them with no legitimate screening for risk factors for taking them (e.g., ectopic pregnancy) or for the existence of coercion; 63% of America’s one million abortions last year were performed with these kinds of drugs, though this can occur in ways that are “totally medically unsupervised.”  Even medical data is sometimes used in deceptive ways.  For example, claims are made that chemical abortion is “safer than Tylenol” for the woman, but this is deceptive.   “We have almost no good data,” explains Dr. Skop, because the numbers are not mandatorily reported.  Dr. Skop has cared for many women with physical and mental health complications from abortions, including hemorrhages, infection, and needing surgery.  She has seen the impact on mental health and notes that women are six times as likely to commit suicide in the year following an abortion than if they carry their babies to term.  Dr. Skop reports that women and girls sometimes take abortion pills having been told they are aborting “a clump of cells,” and then are shocked to recognize arms, legs, and a human shape to what is expelled.  She states, “The American public has been gaslighted about this, and euphemisms have been used to the point that people don’t even really understand what is happening.”

Like Davis, Dr. Skop emphasizes that the demand for abortion is being misrepresented.  She states that most women who have abortions do not want them but feel desperate because of other circumstances; she notes, “There are so many other ways to deal with social problems” in our society.  She also repeatedly refers to the existence of coercion toward abortion by men and others in the lives of pregnant women.  While she does not state that the American public generally opposes abortion, she does state that it is much closer to pro-life than to the anytime-for-any-reason ideology being advocated by politicians.  She also states that approximately 90% of doctors do not do elective abortions and that their representing agencies are advocating their own ideologies and not those of the doctors they represent.  She states that most obstetricians “know they have two patients and want to care for both.”

In her years as a psychotherapist and current work as a life coach, Cinthia has also worked with many women who have mental health complications from abortion.  She states that women are biologically wired to love the child with which they become pregnant, that they “can’t help but love that child no matter what,” and that, when we encourage women and girls to consider abortion, “we are setting up women to be murdering and then have to live with that for the rest of their life.” Cinthia and Dr. Skop both emphasize that women and girls with unplanned pregnancies may be in difficult situations and often do not realize that there are people who want to help. Like other people in difficult situations, these women and girls need people around them who are “strong enough to help them think through what is happening” and access the many resources that exist.  Cinthia emphasizes to clients considering abortion that, while abortion is sold as a way to make the problem disappear and make life go back to normal, this decision will have implications for the rest of their lives; it is not like going and getting your teeth cleaned or having another medical procedure that simply takes care of a medical issue and frees the patient to move forward in life.  Dr. Skop emphasizes that this is not simply a political issue, but “at its root an intensely spiritual and moral issue” which we “should be unafraid to address from the pulpit.”  Cinthia encourages us as a society to stop “searing our own conscience” so that we see things in a way that is upside-down and backwards, allowing ourselves to do what seems like it will make problems go away but which compounds them astronomically.

Again, if you have experienced or participated in abortion in any way, we emphasize that there is help, hope, mercy, and forgiveness.  God can heal, and He does it all the time.  Please go to Him.  Tell Him where you are with this whole issue – honestly and completely.  Let Him give you mercy, protection, and courage.  And then, with His guidance, seek help from safe people who know about the aftermath of abortion and who can help you make this journey.  Grace and peace to you.

Attractiveness (Replay of 5-14-23)

Is attraction something that just comes and goes, completely beyond our control?  Today Cinthia explores attractiveness as a responsibility we have to others, one that is not primarily about our physical makeup.  While she introduces this topic in terms of spouses who are no longer attracted to their spouses, she explores it further as it applies to our interactions with society in general.  How attractive we are has to do with what it is like for others to be around us.  This is why men often appear more attractive when they exhibit “confidence contained.”  In all of us, qualities like kindness, gentleness, mercy, flexibility, nobleness, health, willingness to work hard, etc., tend to be attractive, while disrespectfulness, immaturity, vulgarity, being unaware of your audience, refusing to cooperate with others, and selfishness in general make us less attractive to others.  We are more attractive when we adjust ourselves somewhat to others by learning to “check the temperature of the room;” for example, we can notice whether other people find their jokes humorous and when they do not.  They notice how their behavior is impacting others and adjust to those with whom they interact.  

In our society, many people expect that others should be attracted to them unconditionally, as if all of society is obligated to offer them the unconditional acceptance they needed from their parents and continue to need from God.  Sometimes people today expect that their showing up should be enough for everyone else.  However, this is not a realistic expectation for adults to hold.  We offer babies unconditional goodwill no matter how much they scream or how many bodily fluids they deposit on us because we understand that they are babies.  We accept that teenagers are learning to deal with others maturely and may sometimes be difficult to engage; this is because we understand that they are teenagers.  Adults, however, have the ability and the expectation to recognize that their behavior impacts other people.  Our behavior can make us unattractive.  Our hygiene practices can make it uncomfortable for people to come close to us.  To refuse to recognize this is immature, and it is draining for others who have to deal with it on a regular basis.  It takes courage to own the experience others have of us when we interact together, but maturity knows that its decisions matter.  Selfishness and immaturity are exhausting for others.  Pushing boundaries for attention gets old.  Creating awkwardness or discomfort just to get a reaction gets tiresome.  Selfishness, withholding, refusing to share or fill in the gaps for those who cannot do it themselves – these things are burdensome to others.  Don’t confuse assertiveness and selfishness; they are not the same thing. 

Owning your impact does not mean being someone that you are not, hiding your feelings all the time, or constantly seeking to meet everyone else’s expectations, no matter how unrealistic or unwholesome.  It simply means recognizing that you are not entitled to show up without showering, use whatever language you want, and expect everyone to be thrilled that you are there.  It means acknowledging that others are allowed to have feelings about the impact of your decisions on them. 

As an adult, you can learn to be an attractive person, regardless of whether you possess physiological beauty.  This does not mean our appearance is irrelevant, however; the ways in which we care for ourselves are relevant to the experience others have of us.  The way we dress indicates something about our own willingness to contain ourselves instead of expecting others to deal with the rawest versions of us.  Going to the grocery store in pajamas, for example, may to communicate to others that our own comfort is our highest priority and that we have little concern for the atmosphere we are helping to create.  While the 1950’s had another set of problems, one positive aspect of that decade was the expectation people embraced to show some respect for themselves and others in certain ways, including pulling themselves together when going out of the house.  Our clothes tell a story about us; this is why politicians dress differently when speaking to different groups of people.  (Please note that not everyone needs to work harder at looking good in public.  Some people need to “lighten up” while others need to “tighten up.”)  Taking care of our physical appearances also impacts us personally.  Cinthia discussed an article from Getty Images that addressed this through the lens of play rehearsal in professional settings; it explained that the costumes actors wear impact their embodiment of a character, that the way we dress sends messages to our own brains about who we are and impacts the way we perform.  A study found that increased formality in students’ clothing increased the students’ abstract processing.  This is why people who work from home are often advised not to do so in their pajamas but to put on some level of professional clothing.  People’s brains really do pick up on clues subconsciously, and we really do send messages to others and ourselves.   (Of course, appearance is not the whole story; while a tie may make you look and feel more reliable, you still have to actually follow through and be reliable in order to maintain that impression.)

So, returning to the arena of spousal attraction, a similar principle applies.  Expecting your spouse to be endlessly and unconditionally attracted to you regardless of how you look, behave, relate to them, etc., is selfish.  We should not take advantage of those who commit to us in sickness and in health by using their commitment as an excuse to be lazy or thoughtless, to become the worst version of ourselves. This applies in the way we talk to one another, handle our emotions, communicate about important issues, maintain self-care, and address problems.  Ongoing attractiveness is not about achieving or maintaining physical perfection, nor does it mean we will not go through seasons of change.  Rather, it is about taking responsibility to be pleasant company for those with whom we travel through life, just as we want them to do for us.  And, when we know that we are struggling, we can show consideration for those closest to us by thanking them for their patience and acknowledging the impact our struggles have on them.

We honor ourselves and others by taking responsibility for our choices.  Our choices matter because we matter and because those around us do, too.  Be someone whose presence benefits others, including those closest to you.