Conversations with Cinthia

Let Them Love You (Replay of 8-13-23)

Do you reject compliments, explaining why you don’t really deserve them?  Do you get nervous when someone does something nice for you, turn down offers of help even when you could really use them, or hate the feeling you get when someone forgives you or extends grace and kindness your way?  Today’s show is on letting other people love you.

It can be scary and humbling to let someone love you and give you grace.  The enemy (i.e., Satan) will try to exploit this by encouraging you to think that you are in a one-down position.  Sometimes it is easier to accept good things from a stranger because we do not worry there will be an ongoing obligation in the relationship.  But grace, kindness, forgiveness, and help are meant to be gifts of honor.  Do not insult the person trying to honor you by rejecting that honor. 

So how do we honor the gifts of love others give us?  Well, if we are gifted forgiveness, grace, and covering, change is the best response.  Grace helps us have energy to get up again and do it right, to fix what we have broken, to undo what we have done.  Allow people to love you when you mess up.  Love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8).  Covering often sounds negative to us because we confuse it with toxic secrecy or enabling.  The kind of covering that God does for us, however, is not like this; it is a gift of grace meant to protect us while we are working on repentance and change.  Think of covering wounds while they heal; we do not just bleed all over the house and allow the wounds to be open and exposed to further harm.  We cover wounds appropriately to help them heal.  Covering or hiding as a gift of grace means that those who love us choose not to expose our ugliness while we work on repentance and change, knowing that change takes time.  God gives more because He has endurance people do not.  Covering is not permission to keep deepening the wound; covering is beautiful.

If we are given courtesy or help, we can offer a sincere thank-you.  Do not insult the person offering good because you are uncomfortable.  Give courtesy and graciousness in exchange.  Accept the gesture and be grateful for the thought.  Good boundaries will help with this; do not try to read the person’s mind or assume their expectations without knowing them.  If there is a motive, you are not obligated to recognize it unless they tell you.  Unless you have real reason to believe they want something in return (e.g., the person has a history of trying to put you in his/her debt, or there are clear signs of a scam in play), then you cannot read minds to figure it out.  You can, however, be nice.  You can be polite, gracious, forgiving.  “Our Father is kind; you be kind [Luke 6:36, The Message version].”  Cinthia continues, “Kindness supports peace, and peace loves to linger.  See, peace is a quality that expands.  Kindness is a quality that is catching.  God is a God of peace.  He’s always going to war with the people that are harming us.  And there needs to be that protection, and He’s able to restore and protect and to save those that are oppressed, harmed, wounded, injured.”  So be gracious in your responses to others, and do not allow suspicion to steal the joy of the gift.  If you find later that someone had ulterior motives (e.g., wanted something in return), you can say “no” then.  You can say, “I wish you would have told me you were needing/wanting something in return.  What can I do?”  And if you cannot do what they want, you can tell the person that you will not be able to accept help from him/her in the future.

Cinthia discussed I Corinthians 13 and encouraged little ways to give kindness and spread mercy and truth.  She also encouraged self-forgiveness, explaining, “The only reason for having baggage is not having attended to it; move on,” and, “You’re going to be able to love deeply if you also forgive yourself.”

Finally, Cinthia discussed Attachment Theory, which therapists use to discuss how humans attach, and how the motives behind a tendency to reject love often have to do with fear.  She discussed the messages people with avoidant or ambivalent attachment styles can send others, such as, “Come here; go away,” and, “I could take or leave you.”  She discussed both fear of rejection and fear of acceptance, explaining that God has made humans to need connection and that our defensive structures try to protect us from the pain of not being connected, as well as the pain of being connected, which is also threatening.  Our defensive structures protect us too well; our radars give us false readings.  We try to protect ourselves from harm, but we protect ourselves from what we need.  There are scary implications for acceptance – fear of relationship, commitment, being loved or wanted, fear of the future, coming to depend on someone and then getting rejected, etc. – But the attempt to avoid this pain and loneliness tend to encourage a constant level of pain and loneliness.  Are you ambivalent about relationships?  Some part of you really wants connection, but it really frightens another part of you. 

Cinthia recalled the “False Evidence Appearing Real” definition of fear and encouraged identifying the core beliefs behind our fears of accepting good from other people.  For example, one might say to himself, “I’m not a good risk.  I’m not going to do this -- all I’ll get is let down.  I’m just going to keep working on myself by myself until I feel confident enough to put myself out there.” Cinthia recalled struggling with her own core beliefs about herself and realizing that part of acceptance was accepting herself.  She explained that God finally said to her, “Cinthia, I didn’t consult you when I created you.  I made you for me.  I’m happy with you.  I like the way I made you.  I’m excited to spend eternity with you, Cinthia.  So you can either get on the same page as me, or you can be miserable until you come home.”  This led her to work on accepting the things she could not control, picking battles differently, getting stuck on fewer things, letting things go, etc.

We need to know the God Who loves us and to begin to accept ourselves.  The more I accept myself, the safer I am to other people.  The fears of acceptance and rejection never go away until heaven, so we need to let people love us.

Devotion

Today's topic is devotion, devotions, and the interaction between the two.  Devotion has to do with love, loyalty, enthusiasm for someone or something, faithfulness, fidelity, and even strong emotional attachment.  It can also have to do with religious worship or observance.  A devotion can be a quiet time spent praying, reading the Bible, reflecting, singing, journaling, or making time for something or someone to which or to whom you are devoted.
Devotion is not always intentional.  We may find ourselves devoted to a variety of things, some of them dangerous, foolish, or simply not worthy of the level of devotion we give them.  Cinthia reflected that, in the 1980's, she was devoted to Diet Pepsi and smoking; this was evidenced by the time, energy, resources, and obsession she put toward these things.  She would not have called this "devotion" at the time, but that is what it was.  Intentional devotion times can help us intentionally grow our devotion to the things to which we want to devote ourselves.  Investing our time, energy, focus, and resources in something attaches us to that thing, and our decision to invest that way reveals our devotion.  To what does your life show you are devoted?  How much time and energy do you pour into that thing?  
The things to which we devote ourselves control our lives, and once you devote to something, it is hard to undo it.  We can experience chronic disappointment or discouragement, cynicism, a tendency to hurry through spiritual practices.  Do you become unreasonably upset if you miss a workout?  Do you find yourself more devoted to religion than to the God behind it?
If you want to practice spiritual devotions, be aware that there is no magic formula for making them feel rapturous all the time.  Devotion means that we are practicing devoting ourselves, and this does not always feel like magic.  But there is great power in the regular practice of ordinary devotions.  The Holy Spirit gives us tiny tastes sometimes of what it will be like to connect with Him in eternity, and it leaves us longing for more.  But the daily disciplines of Bible reading, prayer, courtesy to others, managing our own emotions, etc., do not always carry those same sense of spark.  They are soul exercise, shaping our souls like physical exercise shapes our bodies.  They increase strength and endurance.  They force us to attend to things beyond our own distractions, self-indulgence, and unhealthy obsessions.  They give God space in which to get through to us.  Engaging with the Word of God is like fight training; the more time we spend with the Sword of the Spirit (i.e., His Word), the more skilled we will become as spiritual warriors.
In some ways this can be like marriage.  When people first fall in love, devotion to one another may come easily.  Being together feels like magic, like bliss, like experiencing ourselves and the world like we have always longed to experience those things, even if we never knew it.  But, as time goes on, learning to spend ordinary, not-always-exciting life together involves discipline, and that discipline ultimately increases our capacity to delight in one another when the "fireworks" times appear.  Cultivating the light in one another, intentionally pursuing one another throughout all kinds of life circumstances, increases our ability to experience the exciting parts of marriage at other times.  Similarly, it's ok if there is often no special spark in your daily devotions, if they don't usually feel like magic.  They still build who you are.  So don't let them get crowded out or get apathetic and "whip through them."  
Jesus wants us to see Him and savor Him.  Only the eyes of faith can see Him.  Faith is not blind, but unbelief is.  Faith is seeing the reality that unbelieving eyes cannot see.  The Bible says that faith comes from hearing and hearing through the Word of Christ (Romans 10:17).  Daily devotions train our faith eyes, and this is important in order for us to be able to see the glory of God in our world.  They realign our thinking with His, sometimes very gradually.
Devotions actually help us to be more ourselves.  As Cinthia explains, "I was God's idea," which means that she and we need to be in line with what He meant for each of us to be in order to fulfill the purposes for which he made us.  Packer notes, "Our God is a God Who not only restores, but takes up our mistakes and follies into His plans for us and brings good out of them."  So, Cinthia explains, devotions are not just about dry religion or duty, even when they feel somewhat ordinary or dry.  "It's about knowing the God Who created you and was excited about you when He did it," she says, "...the God that wants to come alongside you and help you be the best version of you so that you actually enjoy yourself as much as He enjoys you, and that you can find some power, you can find some comfort in being with yourself."  Devotions increase our access to the bigger picture and our commitment to it.
For some, classic devotional books can really help by giving us a framework of beautiful truths to implant deeply in our hearts.  Three of Cinthia's favorites are The Red Sea Rules, Jesus Calling, and Streams in the Desert.  Cinthia closed today by sharing some insights from these books, including one from Psalm 77:19 and one from Exodus 14:1-2.  She also shared one from I Kings 12:24, in which God states, "This thing is from Me."  She read an excerpt about how this applies to our lives, too, since God often brings or allows things that do not make sense to us but always makes a way through them.  From The Red Sea Rules, she shared these reflections on that passage:  We keep our eyes on Christ, and He always makes a way.  "Life's disappointments are veiled Love's appointments."  "Grieve not for things you seemed to miss/ The thing I send is best for thee."
Sometimes we have to delight in cultivation.  The more we seek after God, the more we know Him.  Trusting God does not always feel good or logical, but the more we seek after Him, the more we know Him.  God is a God Who does not lie.  The one who seeks Him finds Him -- and finds God was seeking him or her first.  
Devotions are a way to practice devoting ourselves, attaching ourselves, shaping ourselves, conforming ourselves to what we love.  To what are you devoting yourself?  

Let Them Love You

Like it or not, humans need to attach to other humans.  We may not want to need that; we may associate it with pain and fear, or may simply not have developed the skills to attach well.  We may actually push away the very thing we need.  But it doesn’t stop us from needing to be loved, seen, understood by someone.  Today Cinthia challenged us to let “them” (i.e., other human beings who are willing to extend grace and give kindness) love us – to accept compliments with a smile and a “thank you,” to receive gifts offered, to allow those who love us to support us as we change.
God is with us while we are in the process of change.  We may want to run from ourselves and our sins, but He is willing to be with us and help us while we change, even while we are fighting Him.  He extends grace and mercy without limit during our lives, but we may find that others have limits and will only keep trying for so long if we continue to push them away from us.  Allow those who love you to support you as you change.
Sometimes it is easier to accept kindness from strangers than from people who are close to us.  This may be because the temporary nature of our relationship with strangers serves as a built-in boundary that does not exist in our more substantial relationships.  We can, however, develop our own boundaries so that we are able to accept kindness from those closest to us.  And the better your boundaries are, the more loving you can be toward others.  Don't expect something in return when you are giving kindness to others.  Don't allow suspicion to steal from you when accepting a gift.  You are not responsible for strings and expectations that were not communicated or obvious.  You cannot read minds.  You can simply enjoy it.  Don't decide for others what they are expecting in return.
Do you fear there are strings attached to accepting a kindness?  You don't have to read the person's mind.  If someone appears to be offering kindness, you have the option to accept it.  If it turns out that there are strings attached, you can address it when you find out that is the case.  You can say, "I wish I had known you were wanting this.  What can I do now?"  You can explain that you will not be able to accept that person's gifs in the future if the gifts come with similar expectations.  Most of the time, however, the payment that means the most to people who extend grace and mercy is continuing to live as a changed person.  So say, "Thank you."  Accept the compliment.  Say, "That means a lot to me," or, "That really helps."  Don't insult the person trying to extend good to you by believing your own negative feelings more than their kindness.  Accepting simple kindness does not mean you owe the person something.  As an adult, you can stop accepting love from someone if it turns out to be problematic.  You can even walk away without judging.  You can have boundaries without allowing your heart to become corrupted.  
The world has changed, but God is still doing big, cool things.  God is kind.  You be kind.  Kindness supports peace, and peace loves to linger.  It loves to calm things down.  God is a God of peace.  He goes to war for very specific reasons, many of which have to do with  rescuing the oppressed, but He loves peace.  Read or reread I Corinthians 13.  Practice the Love Chapter on yourself.  It feels weird, but it is very powerful when you are willing to forgive yourself and be understanding.  It may be a cliche to say that you have to love yourself first, but people truly have a need to be seen, claimed, and accepted.  (And remember, acceptance of a person does not mean agreement with that person's decisions.  Acceptance of yourself does not mean agreeing with all your own decisions.)  Peace is a quality that expands.  Kindness is a quality that is catching.  The way that we love people has much to do with our own insecurities and judgments.  We may put a lot of conditions on our love for others, just as we do with our love for ourselves.  When we practice loving ourselves the way God does, we develop the ability to love others with that love.  
God covered Adam and Eve.  Covering involves hiding something unattractive or something that misrepresents or convolutes the nature or something else.  Covering does not mean that the sin doesn't matter; it simply gives an opportunity to fix it.  Love doesn't want to expose your sin; it loves to help you get better so that you don't have to be embarrassed.  This is very different than keeping secrets that only enable sin to continue or grow.  Covering or hiding is a gift of grace.  There are times with some people when we have to recognize that grace is being misunderstood as permission or opportunity to keep sinning, and we have to respond accordingly.  But the kind of covering that love does is beautiful.  It's a beautiful thing that a perfect God is willing to be with us, cover us, help us change.  It is beautiful when we do that for one another in appropriate ways.  Allow those who love you to support you while you work on becoming the best version of yourself.  Let the love extended to you help to heal your heartaches and shame.  Blocks to receiving can cause us to be hurt more and to hurt others more.  We push away the very thing that we need.  Perfectionism will keep us from getting what we need, whether we direct it toward ourselves or insist others be perfect before we trust them with anything at all.  
You are here for a reason.  God is not surprised.  It is important for you to find out what God has put in you to change the world you are in.

How To Be Attractive (Replay of 10-22-23)

What does it take to be attractive?  Often we think of characteristics that are beyond our control or measures that require lots of time and money.  Some changes would even require compromises to a person’s value system.  Is attractiveness something that most of us are doomed to miss, or that we can have only briefly before age takes it away from us?  Today Cinthia explains that attractiveness can be defined as “pleasing or appealing to the senses,” a definition that is far more within-reach than we might think.  It doesn’t require looking like a model, being wealthy, or compromising one’s value system.  Instead, it is about the experience people have when they interact with you.  Some of the traits are physical; cleanliness, for example, is more likely to please the senses of another person than poor hygiene.  But even our physical characteristics are often made more or less attractive by things like our facial expressions, manners, and other ways of presenting ourselves.  So how do we make ourselves attractive?

We start by observing what we are currently attracting.  What types of people tend to be in your life?  What are you attracting, and what information does this give you about the way you may be presenting yourself in the world?    If you want to attract something different than what you have been attracting, what changes might you need to make? 

We continue by considering the experience others have when they are around us or when they have us in their lives.  This is not about trying to figure out someone else’s ideal and match it; it’s simply about self-awareness regarding the way our choices impact those around us.  What is it like to be around you, to have a conversation with you, to build a life with you, to have you for a friend?  Are you generally friendly, angry, bitter, dismissive, genuine, loving, confident, needy?  Are you kind, gentle, willing to do what needs to be done?  Are you courteous, brave, patient?  Do you try to disappear?  What is the “aroma” that your way of handling yourself and treating others tends to leave in a room?  Are your comments caustic, life-giving, sarcastic, insightful, unnecessary, unheard?  What is the experience of being around you like for others? 

Some of becoming attractive does have to do with the way we care for ourselves physically, though it does not require physical perfection or obsession with wrinkles or the number on a scale.  For example, if one’s physical appearance indicates a lack of respect for self or others of others (e.g., poor personal hygiene, generally neglecting one’s health and/or grooming, etc.), that person’s appearance will be less appealing to others – not because it fails to achieve the cultural idea but because it fails to signal respect.  Similarly, physical perfection that seems almost mask-like can be off-putting even while it is intriguing.  Our outer selves can reflect our inner selves in ways that are appealing or unappealing.  Have you ever been drawn to someone’s face because of the kindness in it?  The confidence?  The humor?  We tend to think everyone sees us as we see ourselves, feels what we feel, and knows what we know.  But other people are often more concerned with their own internal experiences than they are with ours, and they only have the information about us that we give them.  So, if we want others to find themselves drawn to us, we should treat our bodies respectfully.  Beyond that, someone who wants to be recognized as a professional may need to dress professionally.  Someone who wants others to feel safe around them may need to avoid styles that others find shocking, frightening, or repulsive.  A style or look can say, “Pay attention to me,” “Stay away from me,” “Protect me,” or, “Don’t bother me.”  How do you feel about yourself and the world, and does the way you prepare yourself for the day reflect this?  Whether we like it or not, our looks can be an unnecessary barrier to others; don’t cultivate a look that others cannot get past.  Are you willing to put in the work to make your outside match your inside?  Are you using your physical appearance to hide who you are by discouraging people from getting to know you?  Remember, also, that the way you dress will affect your own cognitive functioning (as studies have shown) and mood.  Honor yourself and those with whom you associate by caring for your appearance in a healthy, appropriate way. 

What about attraction in marriage – what if you are not attracted to your spouse, or your spouse is not attracted to you?  Attraction can be lost, gained, and altered.  It may not be healthy to try to be someone you are not in order to match your spouse’s ideal, but neither is it healthy to expect your spouse to “get over” having to deal with your vulgarity, selfishness, immaturity, or disrespect.  What is it like to be married to you?  What experiences do you and your spouse give to each other? 

Attraction is also impacted by what it is like to be associated with someone; we reflect on one another.  This does not mean that we should control one another as a form of image management, but it does mean that we do not display ridiculous, insensitive behavior and then expect those close to us not to feel embarrassed by it.  Those who join together do, in some ways, represent each other.  So read the room.  Do not make jokes that others find hurtful or consistently irritating.  Pay some attention to whether an affair is black-tie or casual.  You do not have to impress everyone positively, but enjoying impressing them negatively can be hard on the people who associate themselves with you.  Remember, too, that you represent yourself and that, if you belong to God, you represent Him.

Humans are so complicated.  Attraction can be very complex.  It’s really a mystery.  It’s a feeling, a sense, a feeling in your body of relaxing around that person or looking forward to being around them.  Some qualities are always attractive to humans, while others like disrespect, vulgarity, immaturity, selfishness, etc., are pretty consistently unattractive.  Interaction produces feelings in other people.  Selfishness is like arsenic for all relationships.  We need to be aware of what bugs the people to whom we are close.  It’s not about popularity, focusing on being liked, etc.  We don’t need to pressure ourselves to present a perfect image.  Instead of thinking you have to watch every detail, think about the overall responses you are getting from people.  Are you being honest with yourself and others in what you communicate through your dress, behavior, etc.?

A happy disposition can also be attractive, and, while we don’t necessarily want to fake being happy or ignore our other real feelings, there are ways to increase our own general happiness.  Cinthia reviewed a list of things we can give up in order to increase personal happiness and, thereby, attractiveness:

-the need to change someone else so you can be right

-the need to control

-blaming others (Cinthia shared the saying, “A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame someone else.)

-self-defeating self-talk (The mind is a superb instrument when used rightly.)

-false beliefs (referring not so much to ideas held by the mind but to those ideas that hold the mind)

-complaining (Christian D Lawrence noted that we can complain that roses have thorns or be grateful that thorns have roses.)

-trying to get others to make you feel what you want to feel

-the need to impress others (Let them have the fun of impressing you!  Remember, adults go into situations with their egos in check and do not need to be the best at everything.)

-resistance to change (Not all change is positive, but be aware of why you are resisting a particular change.)

-labels (These are often limiting, so be really careful about assumptions.)

Remember, attractiveness is not only about appearance.  Be yourself, but be a version of yourself that honors who you are and the impact you have on those around you. 

Do You Trust Me in the New Year?

We all have problems with trust.  We want to trust.  We get scared to trust.  Some of us resist trusting, as if we could get through a single day without trusting anyone or anything.  We have all found ourselves to be untrustworthy at times.  Some of us trust too easily, layering our hopes on things that have not proven themselves worthy of it.  Most of us trust the wrong things at some point.  “Trust is a word I understand,” says Cinthia, “until I actually have to do it.  It doesn’t feel like a heavy word until I actually have to carry it.”  Today Cinthia opens her conversation on trust with Proverbs 3:5-7 and Numbers 23:19. 

Cinthia cites the following concept by Henry Morris: “Faith is a noun; trust is a verb.”  Faith is something we possess; trust is an action.  As an example, she discusses events in 1859 when Charles Blondin became the first man to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope. Thousands of spectators developed faith in his abilities as they watched him cross a 1,300-foot tightrope, only two inches in diameter.  He walked.  He ran.  He set up a box camera and took pictures of the crowd from the tightrope.   He walked backward and blindfolded.  He back-flipped.  He made an omelet.  He did all these things on the tightrope over Niagara Falls before cheering crowds who increasingly had faith that he could do them.  But the one who put his active trust in Blondin was his manager Colcord, who rode on Blondin’s back and was carried across the tightrope himself.  Blondin told Colcord not to make any attempts to balance himself on the ride but to abandon himself to Blondin for that time, swaying with Him and trusting Blondin to do all the balancing.  Colcord actively placed his trust in Blondin and rode safely across the falls.  The crowd had faith; Colcord trusted.  This is a beautiful picture of what it means to trust God; beyond simply holding beliefs about Him, we actively entrust ourselves to Him, learning to sway when He sways and abandon our own attempts at control.  Also, notes Cinthia, we learn to trust Him to do the day we are doing right now, not worry about the next event.

It is popular in our society to encourage people to trust themselves, but trust should always be placed in something worthy of it.  For that reason, trust always needs to start and stop with God, not ourselves.  God does want us to learn to trust His ability to work through us, become more trustworthy people, and enjoy confidence in the strength He gives us.  But using ourselves as the ultimately bedrock of trust is foolish unless we are perfect, and none of us are.  Cinthia sums it up this way: “My trust always needs to start and stop with God, not myself.  I trust in God as He is making me into a more trustworthy person.”  He knows, she explains, that this will take time and be hard.  Humans need time, struggle, and so many other things to become more trustworthy, and the task will not be completed fully in this life.  The process of becoming more trustworthy is important.  We have a responsibility to work toward becoming more trustworthy for ourselves and others. 

So what about trusting others?  Practically speaking, we have to give the gift of trust to someone; we cannot get through life without doing so.  While we cannot place faith in people as if they were our gods, we do give the gift of trust to mistake-making, fallen people, including ourselves.  Jesus was able to trust His disciples because He trusted His Father first.  He did not make them the foundation of His identity, but He did place some things in their hands. We should choose whom to trust carefully, noticing things like whether they own their mistakes and make them right, and we should work toward becoming more worthy of trust ourselves.  But we should not trust everyone all the time.  We can even like people and not trust them.  Colcord did not trust Blondin because Blondin made the idea sound good; Blondin had practiced his whole life and repeatedly demonstrated his trustworthiness before Colcord rode on his back.  But humans are always a risk.

Each of us has places in our lives in which it is particularly hard to trust God.  What seems natural and logical to us may not have the stamp of God on it.  Cinthia reflects on her own questions about why God gifted her as a musical performer but led her away from life as a full-time performer.  But, she says, we must trust in Who God is, not in the circumstances around us.  Many of us have so much information about God, but do we actually trust in Who He is?  Do we actually let Him be God in our lives?  It is incredible that we dare not trust Him when He is so trustworthy, so active, so amazingly loving and beyond us.  He is doing everything, working day and night.  But many of us get disappointed by various kinds of loss.  We all have ideas of how things should be, and life does not always turn out in those ways.  We cannot understand all our circumstances, but we can actively place our trust in Who He is.  What are the hardest areas for you to trust God?  Is it hard to trust Him with your kids?  With believing He has forgiven you?  With your career or relationship status?  With your health?  With your identity?  With your fears?  With helping you to forgive others?  With the letting go of an addiction for a day at a time?  The middle verse in the Bible is Psalm 118:8, which says,  “It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.”  Cinthia encourages memorizing this verse and others, such as Numbers 23:19; Psalm 2:12; 5:11; 30:4; 34:22; 56:3, Proverbs 3:5-7;16:20; and 29:25.  The more our faith is in God, the more trustworthy we ourselves will be.  The more we trust God, the more we can change the world.

A.N.G.E.R. is for Survival, Not Superiority (Replay of 1-15-23)

Anger is a gift that helps us survive and protect, but it can also be used to destroy or to protect the wrong things in the wrong ways.  Especially when paired with fear, anger can enable us to do things we would not or could not otherwise do.  The adrenaline it triggers to flow through our bodies can energize us, helping us to confront wrongs and face fears that need to be faced -- look at all the improvements that have been made because someone got sick and tired of the way things were!  Unfortunately, anger can also be used to scare, manipulate, intimidate, and take advantage of others.  It can enable us to act as if we are superior to those around us, to avoid accountability or the need to follow rules. It can influence others to accept bad behavior.  When anger and fear are paired together, they can annihilate a relationship.  Violence – even verbal or emotional violence -- is hard to repair.  Misdirected anger and anger expressed without morality can even be deadly.  When a person settles into anger as an ongoing emotional state, it can dominate all of life.  Such ongoing anger is very hard on the body since the body is not meant to absorb adrenaline constantly, and it is brutal on relationships.

There are lots of misconceptions about anger, such as that anger is a bad emotion, one that healthy people don’t feel.  Some people fear their own anger so much that they have trouble finding it, perhaps even allowing themselves to be mistreated regularly rather than get mad enough to confront the situation.  Some are embarrassed by their own anger or think it is not Christian to be angry, but this is not biblical.  In fact, anger is simply an emotion and, as such, is neither good nor bad in and of itself.  Anger is normal (though living angry is not and should not be).  The failure to manage anger appropriately is what brings harm, not the anger itself.  Anger does not take away our choices; it simply energizes us to carry out the choices we make.  Anger can give us the courage to set boundaries appropriately, or it can prompt us to ignore the reasonable boundaries of others or the boundaries that exist for us.

Anger is a defense mechanism intended to keep us and others safe.  You do not have to feel powerless to your anger.  When you have a grasp on it, you can make sure it doesn’t control you.  Anger has its own patterns, and these can give insight about yourself.  Acknowledge and assess your own anger; this helps you know what to do to manage it well.  Make sure you are aware of all your emotions (happy, mad, sad, scared) and that these are integrated so that you are not using one to avoid another; for example, don’t use anger to avoid feeling sadness.  Learn ways to manage your anger and to express it constructively.  Deep breathing may seem like a cliché, but remember that oxygen helps your body to absorb adrenaline instead of simply releasing more; this allows reason and logic to return.  Learn to remove yourself from situations when necessary.  Make needed changes in lifestyle.  Talk to yourself about your anger in ways that are true and helpful (e.g., “I can express anger appropriately, and I can stay calm.  I can relax my body.  I can take deep breaths to give my brain oxygen.”).   Consider times that you have seen anger handled well, and learn from those.  Journal.  Talk to yourself in the mirror, role-playing how you might handle situations.

As an acrostic to help you remember what it looks like when anger is used productively, Cinthia suggested the following:  When anger is done right, it can be…

• Awesome as it paves the way for deeper connection

N-   Nice if you speak the truth with kindness

G-   (Resulting in) Good as you seek win-win-solutions

E-    Energy-creating as it frees you to move forward instead of getting stuck

R-   (You become) Real when you are honest with yourself and others

When done wrong, however, anger can be…

• Aggressive, fighting only to win and not listen

N-  (Accomplishing) Nothing

G-   Greedy

E-   (Too) Easy, allowing us to dump our problems on others instead of doing the work to deal with them. 

R-   (Feels so) Right when I am unloading on someone, feeling self-righteous, unleashing my feelings without building anything up

Remember, anger is neither good or bad; it’s how we handle it.  So how do you handle it?  What happens in your life when you give yourself over to anger?  Do you leave the room or hang up the phone?  Swear?  Shut down?  Change the subject?  Gossip?  Play the martyr?  Withhold affection?  Deny the problem or other parts of reality?  Accuse?  Name-call?  Do you tend toward aggression, passivity, passive-aggression?  Ask others what your anger feels like to them.  Then describe a time you have witnessed anger done right.  What did you see?  What do you want to learn to do with your anger?  Remember, anger done right helps relationships to thrive.  Learn the difference between the satisfaction that comes from well-handled anger and the immediate gratification that comes from acting like a toddler or teenager.  What would it be like to learn to face your anger?  Anger is a gift that can help keep you alive, but you don’t need to defend yourself from everyone.  Own your anger.  Take responsibility for the times you have handled it poorly.  Start to integrate the following elements in your approach to anger:  Be honest.  Be kind.  Slow things down.  (E.g., Step back physically.  Breathe.  Assure the other person that there is time for discussion rather than urgency to say everything quickly.)  Listen.  Empathize, even if you don’t agree. Seek a win-win solution.  Compromise where possible without going against your value system.  Anger can help you survive without serving as a tool for pushing down other people.

Caregiving: An Interview with Peter Rosenberger

Today Cinthia welcomes Peter Rosenberger to talk about his newest book, A Minute For Caregivers: When Every Day Feels Like Monday.  As his website www.hopeforthecaregiver.com explains, Peter has been a caregiver to his wife Gracie for about four decades now since a tragic car accident at age 17 changed the direction of her life.  Gracie has had more than 85 surgeries at this point, including the amputation of both legs below the knee, and continues to face daunting medical challenges.  (In fact, she and Peter will be spending this Christmas in the hospital.)  Gracie has started a prosthetic limb outreach to amputees in West Africa called Standing With Hope and has continued her music career despite her ongoing challenges.  Peter, meanwhile, in addition to caring for Gracie’s practical needs, working with doctors, hospitals, and insurance companies, and grappling with millions of dollars in medical bills, has started a ministry to other caregivers called Hope for the Caregiver.  He initially introduced a book by that name, has a podcast with 800 episodes to date, and regularly keeps engagements and media interviews.  Peter has accompanied Gracie’s music and performs his own music, as well.  His most recent book is a set of encouraging essays for caregivers who (as Peter knows) may not have large amounts of time to devote to reading but who commonly struggle with isolation and the loss of their own independence and identity.  His conversation with Cinthia brims with hope and encouragement, partly because it so honestly acknowledges the ongoing pain and the difficult prognosis that impacts his life with Gracie.  Although, unfortunately, the first segment of today’s show fell to technical difficulties, the remaining segments of the show are available intact and packed with hope.

Peter encourages caregivers to increase their situational awareness and to care for themselves appropriately.  He emphasizes that the caregiving relationship is often lifelong and emphasizes that the recipients of care need their caregivers to remain alive and healthy, which means the caregivers must have their own care and also care for themselves.  He also emphasizes that, while these difficult situations often have no end outside of death, even that end is not the end because Jesus has won over death.  He emphasizes that the Gospel is either real or it’s not, and that understanding the Gospel gives meaning to the most difficult life situations.  Jesus is called “Immanuel” in the Bible, which means “God With Us.”  Peter explains, “We can’t go to Him.  He has to come to us.”  Peter encourages caregivers to acknowledge the weariness and the heavy-laden status that comes with their role and to learn over time to truly rest in Jesus.  He asks, “Do you believe Him or not?  And how would you or anybody else know?”  His book is full of such “bedrock principles that I’ve learned through this process,” which he offers to help other caregivers also learn “how to stay with this and be healthy at the same time.”  Peter talks about the “FOG of caregivers”- the fear, obligation, and guilt that can be ever-present; he encourages slowing down in response to such “FOG” just as one would slow down when driving in literal fog.  He encourages, “Don’t try to look too far ahead or live in the wreckage of the future,” and urges caregivers not to “drive” in such “FOG” so fast that they cannot “slam on the brakes” when needed.

Peter describes playing the piano on his own after having accompanied Gracie for so long and realizing that he was no longer playing the song’s melody because he was used to Gracie doing that part.  This, he said, is exactly what happens to caregivers over time – they lose their own voices and begin to talk and think in terms of what kind of day the other person is having, what “we” are facing, etc.  He encourages caregivers to relearn how to speak in the first-person singular, to embrace Jesus’s love for them and not just for their loved ones, and to watch the movie The King’s Speech to observe the deep importance of having your own voice.  He also encourages engaging in realism, legitimate mourning (which involves accepting the brokenness for what it is and trusting God in it), tears, and humor, recalling his own tribute to Jeff Foxworthy in which he outlined the signs that “you might be a caregiver.”  God, notes Peter, is personal and intimate.  He is Lord, even when life is painful and difficult and “every day feels like Monday.”  He can teach even the caregiver to rest in Him.  He concludes that caregivers and their loved ones should acknowledge their pain and cry their tears but also emphasizes, “We do not have to be miserable.”  Peter’s book is available any place books are sold and is also available in audible, which he read himself.  It can be a helpful gift for pastors and counselors as well as traditional caregivers.

Surviving the Family Holidays

Garrison Keillor once said, “The lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”  Whether you are working Christmas, spending it alone, hosting a gathering you hope will be beautiful, or gearing up to attend the usual round of work and family activities, you are in this with all the rest of us – and we all need to survive it!

Holidays are a time when we tend to think we should be happy, but they happen in the context of everything else.  The expectation of warmth and cheer can highlight our pain and that of others.  The consistency of traditions can emphasize the changes that have occurred over the last year, including difficult ones.  Even positive changes can upset the family equilibrium, and sometimes the system wants to move back into its usual state.  Exposure to family can bring back memories, good and bad, and stir up expectations that we should have more in common than we do. 

Expectations can be strong around the holidays: “There’s no place like home for the holidays” – but what if your family is a wreck?  “Christmas is a time for family” – but what if you don’t have one, or you live several states away and can’t afford to take time off and travel for the holidays?  “Holidays should be joyous and happy” – but what if there has been a death?  A job loss?  What if you are depressed or struggling with anxiety?  “Everything will be perfect this year” – but what if it isn’t, or it is and nobody seems to notice or care?  Holidays are unknowns.  We do not truly know what will happen on a given year, even if we do know the patterns, the leftover hurts and judgments, the way it has been before now. 

So how do we survive the holidays?  Well, the first step is to ask yourself, “What is it about the holiday that gets me down?”  What are you wanting to get out of the holidays, and what do you fear will happen instead?  Establish and acknowledge your hopes, fear, and expectations.  Talk to someone trustworthy regarding what bothers you about the holidays so you can be less vulnerable when the holidays get here.

Next, acknowledge your options.  Adults have choices.  What can you choose to do or not do?  Brainstorm the ways you could address your concerns.  Even though you won’t be able to utilize every single option, acknowledge that you have those choices and are not trapped.  If there is pressure to put up with someone you usually avoid, is this maladaptive or an opportunity? 

Next, develop your coping skills, including your self-talk and the boundaries you will choose for yourself.  See the lighter side; holidays are short.  Remember, everybody’s a little bit out of their league when it’s family.  Minimize over-indulging in food and alcohol to deal with the stress of the holidays.  Identify what beauty you can create without paying the cost of unbearable stress.  Think about the people who are problematic for you.  Pray for them; pray for yourself.  What is one thing God has said about you?  Abou them?  Hold onto that.  You don’t have to get your needs met in that relationship; you can just accept the person.  Spending time without really connecting can be ugly, so take care of yourself so that you can share at an appropriate level without making yourself or others overly vulnerable.  Remember that holiday events are rarely the best times to hash through issues, though they often show us what we may want to address or change later.  Differentiate between what is truly dangerous and what is irritating. 

Holidays, including family holidays, really are a big deal, even though we try to make it not that way.  Remember that the best gift you can give is a healthy version of yourself; that way, nobody has to worry about you.  Being the best version of yourself is a gift to others. 

Remember, God loves to give gifts.  He gave us His only Son, the most valuable possession He ever had.  You are a gift.  You are irreplaceable.  You are valuable.  Taking care of yourself and regulating yourself is important.  Police yourself.  Be healthy. 

Interview with Michael Johnson

Today Cinthia talks with Michael Johnson, president of the Slavic Gospel Association.  Michael discusses his own story including his conversion, journey from corporate to non-profit work, and time in ministry.  He notes that we tend to want to know God’s plan for our lives, but that God wants our obedience step-by-step.  Mr. Johnson discusses some of the dynamics at work in these countries (e.g., emphasis on repentance/changing the direction of pursuits; pervasive sense of having “missed the mark” after living under Communist governments) and emphasizes that Christ is building His church in those countries and in ours.

The Slavic Gospel Association works to empower local churches in countries associated with the former Soviet Union, as well as countries in which large number of Slavic people currently live.  The organization has been active since well before Communism came to power in these areas, served churches during the time they were living under Communism, partnered with local church when wall came down, and continues to equip churches and provide a doorway through which churches in the West can serve churches in these areas.  Their activities have included encouraging churches, coordinating an underground railroad, humanitarian aid distribution, gospel presentations, and assistance in acts of mercy which are currently bearing fruit in many countries due to the authenticity of the faith local church members have demonstrated by loving others well.  Areas of ministry currently include Israel because many Slavic people fled there to get away from one war (i.e., Ukraine), only to find themselves in another.

Cinthia prayed for Mr. Johnson and his organization and encouraged listeners to pray, consider giving, etc., in order to join in the work of the Slavic Gospel Association(www.sga.org; specific ministry to Israel at www.sga.org/israelgospel). 

Be encouraged.  God has not stopped working in these countries or ours.  He has not given up, no matter how the world looks to us or what is on the news on any given day.

Adulting By Accepting Three Core Truths

What does it mean to act like an adult? We all know it includes things like laundry, bill-paying, and going to the dentist, but what underlies those activities and determines the priorities of an emotional adult?  Today Cinthia explains how the three core truths she teaches apply to the topic of growing up emotionally.   

As an example of what this looks like, Cinthia described her husband Michael’s approach to some significant medical problems that he recently faced.   Although he experienced significant pain and some very scary circumstances, Michael took charge of his health and did all he could to survive and get healthier for the people who love him.  Although the medical problems were his, Michael understood that the situation was not just about him; it impacted his family, friends, and others.  Knowing this, he controlled the factors that were his to control and followed through with healthy decisions, even when they were not easy to execute.

Adulthood as we are discussing it is about more than just remaining alive past one’s eighteenth birthday.  It is about growing up emotionally: facing reality, becoming your own parent, and fulfilling your responsibilities to yourself and others rather than expecting the world to make you okay.  This necessitates, among other things, knowing your own internal world, being aware of it and how it affects your external world.  It involves making the hard decisions to live according to reality rather than in denial.  It also means figuring out why you are here on the planet and what to do with the time you are given. 

The first truth Cinthia urges us to accept is the reality of our own individual uniqueness as created beings.  You were not made by yourself or for your own purposes; you were made by a Creator Who wanted to create you and is very happy that He did so.  You were made according to a unique design- even identical twins do not have identical fingerprints.  Cinthia states, “When God thought you up, He was really excited.  He was excited about you.  It was an original design.”  He had a purpose for this design, and He made you in exactly the way that was best for that purpose.  Now you as an adult have the option to embrace that design and purpose or not.  Learning to live as your own best version means learning to live out what the Creator had in mind when He made you.  Striving toward what you think you should be or who others want you to be will not achieve this.  So Step One is to accept and believe that you are alive for a reason.  You didn’t sneak onto the planet.  You don’t have to prove that you deserve to be here.  God decided to create you and to do it at this time.  He wants you to enjoy who He made you to be, as He does.  Jesus gave up His life to be with you.  Satan wants to make you think you have to prove your worth and value instead of walking it out.  Dysfunction is never original or creative.  Show up in your own life, and walk out the value you have. 

Next, accept and believe that you can effect change in yourself and in the world around you.  You cannot control everything about your life, your circumstances, or the world around you, but neither are you irrelevant.  Your actions and behaviors matter, and your thoughts matter.  Change is primarily an “inside job,” and it requires each of us to address our own thoughts and belief systems.  Living in the past will get in the way whether your past was good or bad -- your past may be brilliant or awful, but it’s not new.

Proverbs tells us that “as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”  You can control what you think and dwell on. We often try to change the outside world, not recognizing that what we can control and order is the inside of ourselves.  If the internal doesn’t work, the external won’t work.  If you live trying to change people, places, and things, you will fail.  You cannot create outside yourself what is not within you.  Parents, leaders, and friends will focus on the outside because they cannot be on the inside of you.  You have to deal with the inside.  The fastest, most effective, and most efficient way to influence change is to change your internal world.  You matter, and you have a responsibility to the world around you.

Third, as an adult you must learn to deal with pain.  In this world pain is inevitable; the effective management of it is imperative if you are going to be who you are meant to be.  You can have “pain for gain,” as Cinthia says, or you can have “pain in vain.”  But in this world as it is now, you cannot be without pain.  You get to choose to survive in it or thrive in it and how close to be to the version of yourself that God intended.  You get to choose whether to add to or detract from others by what version of yourself you live out as you face your pain, whether to accept the gifts that can come hidden in pain.  Avoiding pain only brings more of it and causes me to live as a victim of my circumstances and of my own internal world.  Learn to let pain produce something good in you instead of making you bitter.

The best version of yourself is the one the Creator had in mind when He made you.  Accepting this may mean you have to get over yourself.  If God is happy with you, you must learn to be happy with yourself, too (which is not the same as being happy with every decision you make).  Both your strengths and weaknesses are unique and must be managed.  We tend to want to spend our focus on our strengths, but don’t be afraid of your weaknesses.  Don’t hate yourself for the mistakes.  Learn from them.  Be compassionate to yourself and others.  Remember, the goal in this life is not the total alleviation of pain (that is impossible) but the acceptance of it and use of it for gain.