Episodes
Monday Jul 17, 2023
Helping the Ones You Love
Monday Jul 17, 2023
Monday Jul 17, 2023
For every person in the world diagnosed with an addiction or mental disorder, there is at least one other person trying to help someone in this condition. Families are deeply impacted, and these situations can be ripe for misunderstanding, misinformation, and stigma. Today Cinthia explores how to love well when a loved one struggles with a mental illness or addiction. She began at the beginning of Luke 10 and explored issues related to boundaries and codependency in several passages leading up to the parable of the Good Samaritan. She then looked directly at the parable and discussed what he did and did not do to help the wounded man, as well as whether he might have had to respond differently if he had been trying to help his own relative. Cinthia noted that the Good Samaritan offered simple help, not judging or lecturing, not becoming over-involved, but valuing the wounded man and helping him by giving what he could with appropriate expectations.
Sometimes humans complicate it when God asks us to help others. Cinthia encouraged self-reminders that kindness is free and can be given to anyone. Kindness is not validating inappropriate behavior or trying to teach someone how to change, though it can model a different lifestyle. Kindness does not mean assuming best-friend status and does not leave the recipient owing anything. It is simply kindness. Part of how we know whether we are practicing good boundaries is that we are able to give freely without unrealistic expectations; we do not gain identity from helping the person get better or become resentful if the person rejects or disappoints our efforts. Good boundaries help us not to take everything so personally.
If someone close to us struggles with an addiction or mental illness, we generally have two choices: We can interject ourselves into their situation or be simply a compassionate observer. A compassionate observer does not take responsibility for figuring out, fixing, teaching, reforming, etc. A compassionate observer can be aware of problematic behavior while acknowledging his/her own inability to comprehend all the internal and external factors involved. A compassionate observer can value another person regardless of his/her behavior but does not give past the point of being able to release expectations his or her own expectations for the results. A compassionate observer can accept that people’s lives are messy and that getting involved in the lives of human beings is a messy business. A compassionate observer can offer some help, particularly when it is requested, but must have good boundaries when doing so. Boundaries can be most easily understood as awareness of “where I end and you begin.” When we do not know where we end, we often become way too involved in the lives of others and end up hating or despising the people we were trying to help when all our attempts to help them change are frustrated or disappointed. People have problems that aren’t solved for lots of reasons, and we don’t always know all the reasons. Without appropriate expectations, we develop compassion fatigue, which leads to resentment.
We can easily overestimate our own ability to understand a given situation. Sometimes, as we watch a loved one struggle, we say to God, “You could fix this.” Cinthia reminds us to take a deep breath and remember Who God is. Remember the cross, the beatings, His entire creation turning against Him. God knows how humans can be, and He understands factors we cannot know. He knows what it is like to offer someone help, only to have that person reject it in favor of his/her own best ideas. He actually does know what is best for us and has the right to have plans for us (something we cannot say about ourselves regarding the people we are trying to help), and He still experiences our resistance and rejection of His offers. One question to consider in determining what you can give freely in a given situation is how educated you are regarding that situation. Do you have experience with the relevant issues? Do you have training? If you don’t, you might seek general education to help guide your attempts (Make sure to use reputable resources, such as the National Institute for Mental Health [NAMI] or the Mayo Clinic.), or you might simply collect names of professionals, etc., to whom you can refer the person when they want help. This can be helpful, but don’t try to be the resource or treatment professional. Be careful about ruling out options for the person. For example, sometimes Christians are nervous about the use of psychotropic medications and may even discourage loved ones from using them when prescribed. Psychiatrist Dr. Harnish notes that the devil uses various weapons to attack us and that, as such, it often makes sense to use a variety of weapons in response. He describes physical interventions such as medication, emotional ones such as counseling, and spiritual ones such as prayer and Scripture reading as different branches of the military. He encourages using each of these weapons as needed as a country might use different branches of its military to combat different tactics brought against it.
Humility is crucial when dealing with addictions and/or mental illness, whether we are the ones struggling or the ones loving someone else as they struggle. Just the person struggling must humble himself/herself to accept needed help, the person trying to help must humble himself/herself to accept that the loved one is free to reject his/her help and suggestions. Sometimes phrasing helps: “I have an idea, and I’m wondering if you’d be interested,” may be a helpful start. Telling the person all the ways he or she has failed or should have done things differently typically does not help. When making a suggestion, consider your timing. Remember that you are not the person’s parent (unless you are and that person is a child), lawyer, doctor, or boss; you are not God. You are a compassionate witness; see and offer help only within appropriate boundaries.
Remember not to define people by their disorders. Don’t walk on eggshells. Let them lead the way. Help when they ask for help unless such help is not helpful, and then say that you don’t feel comfortable doing that. Keep it simple. God honors weakness and really values honesty. Also, remember that most diagnoses have a continuum of severity. One person with Diagnosis A may experience it very differently than another person with the same diagnosis.
Make sure your own life is working. Tighten down your own self-care. This gives you strength to help the person when he or she wants help, as well as to love the person when he or she falls, and it models what good self-management can be like. Get sleep, rest, recreation, and support. Consider going to a supportive group such as NIMH, Alanon/Alateen, etc.; go to at least two meetings before you rule it out. Mental illness, addiction, and even recovery are all processes that are easy to “get lost in,” and this is as true for loved ones as for the person who struggles directly with the problem. Boundaries are hard to maintain in these situations, but they are crucial. Pray for the person, be a compassionate witness, and “do your side of the street.”
Monday Jul 10, 2023
Moving On From Yesterday’s Success, with Aaron Knipp
Monday Jul 10, 2023
Monday Jul 10, 2023
In the arena of identity, we often struggle to let go of negative aspects of who we think we are. Past failures, old labels, experiences we cannot forget, mistakes we cannot change - It can be such a relief to realize we no longer have to define ourselves by those things. But today Aaron Knipp talks with Cinthia about moving on from past successes. Together they explore how even our talents and achievements do not define our existence as human beings created in the image of God. In an age when crafting our own images and “personal brands” can seem like a full-time job, choosing not to park our identity even in legitimate success, talent, or the positive ways we defined ourselves yesterday is one of the best-kept secrets of a healthy self-image.
Aaron has been on the show previously. At that time, Aaron was known for having lost almost 200 pounds, writing a book about that experience, and creating and maintaining a weight-loss app for others. Aaron’s story included working through the unexpected anger he felt after losing the weight because people often treated him better than they had when he was obese, as if he had been previously unworthy but had now redeemed himself, or as if his presence had been embarrassing but was now acceptable. Aaron explains that he reached a point where he no longer wanted to be known for having lost weight because neither his struggles or his successes in those areas could fully reflect who he was or what he had to offer. He achieved other career successes but found he could not adequately define himself by those, either.
Today, Aaron owns the largest public relations firm for keynote speakers and seeks to help his clients be known for the things for which they want to be known. On today’s episode, he and Cinthia discuss human complexity, “identity withdrawals,” knowing what adjustments one is and is not willing to make, and not ruling out options just because they are difficult, unexpected, or don’t seem to match the expected image. Aaron notes that tying identity to profession can be particularly common for men. Cinthia shares some of her journey, as well, emphasizing that God did not call her primarily to utilize the talents she expected Him to use, though she has been able to enjoy those talents as “add-ons.” Cinthia and Aaron note that receiving attention for a gift you have does not necessarily mean you have to make that gift the center of your life, nor do you have to marry your identity to what you have always done. You can learn, and sometimes learning means moving on. Sometimes it’s not even that big of a deal. Achieving a goal is not necessarily the end of your journey. You may cross the finish line, only to realize you are mid-step and do not need to stop there, or that there is another path waiting for you. Your identity and worth are fixed by your Creator, but your explorations of that identity may take you somewhere today that even the best of yesterday could not anticipate.
Monday Jul 03, 2023
Be Your Own Best Version
Monday Jul 03, 2023
Monday Jul 03, 2023
While freshly taught and recorded for this week, today’s topic is a Cinthia-Classic and relates to her reason for doing this podcast in the first place! Cinthia has been saying, “Be your own best version,” since 2010, but what does she mean by that? What is the difference between striving to meet lists of expectations (your own or other people’s) and being the best version of yourself?
Cinthia recalled some highlights from her own story today, describing her struggle with performance-oriented behavior, which is a constant attempt to achieve a sense of personal value by showing others who you are and what you do. This approach to life, says Cinthia, is a trap, a “spinning wheel,” an image-focused system that becomes deceptive and disillusioning, even for those others might think are winning at life. In fact, Cinthia achieved quite a bit of success during that time; she met lots of goals and had a life that appeared triumphant in many ways. Somehow, though, she found herself continually in the grip of stress and disillusionment, always feeling her achievements weren’t quite enough to justify her existence or make her feel worthwhile. In fact, she didn’t like herself very much at all, and she lived in fear that others would see her for what she thought she was. At this point, having exhausted her own best attempts at managing her life, Cinthia offered her life back to God, though she was not sure He would want it and was unable to comprehend that she was valuable to Him. She found to her surprise that He did value her --- that He had chosen to create her, even knowing all the choices she would make. She realized that He had made her on purpose and that she was the only one He would ever make in exactly this way. And, when she believed that, everything changed.
What Cinthia learned was that God is the One Who determines the value of everything. He is the Creator, and, if He values something, it is valuable. This means that created beings like humans do not determine our value by our own behavior, no matter how good or bad that behavior is. Our behavior determines a lot of things about how our lives unfold, and God allows us freedom to choose whether or not to actively cooperate with His design for us. But God’s ever-present interest in each person, His choice to create each of us even while fully aware of the choices we would make, means that each of us has what is called “guaranteed value.” We can’t earn it or revoke it. Consider Psalm 139. Consider a one-hundred-dollar bill that has been crumpled, trampled, left in the dumpster, used for evil purposes, and more -- regardless of where it has been or the purposes for which it had been used by others, that bill is still worth one hundred dollars. Whether the bill is accomplishing its highest purpose is irrelevant to its value because that value is predetermined by its makers. Similarly, we cannot increase or decrease our own value, nor can others by their treatment or opinions of us. Even our sin, though grievous to God because He knows its consequences, does not change our value. Romans 5:8 says that Christ died for us “while we were yet sinners,” at our worst.
What does this mean for you? God acted and continues to act upon His own choice to love you. He does not depend on you to ensure your own value. He chooses you. He wants you. He values you. And so, while other things in life fluctuate, your value remains the same because it flows from the One Who does not change.
This does not “feel true” for many of us. Sometimes the only way we can access the reality of it is through faith. Just as we believe that Jesus is the Son of God, that He died for us and rose from the dead, that He ascended into Heaven and sent His Holy Spirit to live in the hearts of those who trust in Him, we must also accept by faith that our value is determined by our Creator and not by ourselves. It may not “feel true” right now, but we can choose to place our faith in this reality regardless of our feelings and to act on this reality whether or not we feel like doing so. Remember, feelings can be real without being true. So step toward Him confidently, knowing that He corrects His children without condemning them (Romans 8:1).
The realization of all this in about 2010 gave Cinthia the idea of focusing her efforts on being “her own best version,” meaning that she would put her efforts into cooperating with the design God has for her rather than on trying to earn her value, be what someone else wanted, or compete with other people. And, since these concepts applied to all the other human beings, too, she started teaching others the same idea. Some core truths came with this: Each person (including you) is alive for a reason, created on purpose by God with a particular and unique design. Each person has the power to effect change in the world, which means for you that, regardless of your position in life, you will affect people, places, and things. You have choices about this impact.
Several hundred years ago, Thomas a Kempis stated, “Everywhere you go, there you are.” You can survive there or thrive there. You choose, consciously or unconsciously, whether or not to live proactively. For today’s purposes, this leads to two basic questions: (1) Are you the best version of yourself? And what does that look like? (2) If not, what is holding you back from being your own best version? How do you need to manage yourself in order to grow toward being your own best version? Remember, nobody can succeed or mess up like you can. You are an original, but dysfunction is not original or creative. Don’t let the predictable and the common steal what is unique to you. Are there aspects of your past that are controlling your present? If so, deal with your past so that you can be in the present and enter fully into your future. God made you on purpose with a unique design. What will it look like for you to live into that design?
Monday Jun 26, 2023
What Is Your Achilles Heel? (replay from 4-16-23)
Monday Jun 26, 2023
Monday Jun 26, 2023
What is your “Achilles Heel,” the weakness or “limp” that is always there in your life? Do you judge yourself for it, berate yourself for having it? Do you try to avoid it, chasing feelings that make it seem less painful for a while?
Healthy self-esteem involves a balance, both for individuals and for society. We tend instead to swing back and forth on a pendulum, clinging to inferiority, then over-valuing our own good qualities. This is because we tend to cling to performance-oriented evaluations of ourselves and others, judging worth and value by achievements, accolades, approval, looks, accomplishments, etc. The key to getting off the pendulum is to learn that our worth is separate from our performance, that we are valuable because God made us on purpose and for a specific purpose. Secure in that knowledge, we then strive to be the best versions of ourselves, not to make ourselves worthwhile but to honor the One Who made us so well.
Instead, we often try to meet our needs for self-value by “chasing a feeling.” We may berate ourselves, hoping to force change that will make us feel better about ourselves. But when we depend on the feelings that come from our accomplishments or the approval of others, we find them to be fleeting. We fear failure, exposure, rejection, increased self-loathing, etc. It is like trying to nourish ourselves on dessert or a diet of artificial sweeteners without laying a foundation of good nutrition to sustain us. This means that chasing good feelings ultimately creates bad feelings, leading to more self-judgment and pain and inspiring more feeling-chasing behaviors. We tend to believe the lies that match our emotional states. This can lead to tragic outcomes including suicide. Believing all our emotions creates a hellish experience, which we then try to fight with more perfection, feeling-chasing, etc. What do you do to try to meet the needs inside you?
However, Jesus told His disciples that, by abiding in His word, they would know the truth and the truth would set them free (John 8:32). Truth frees us even when it is uncomfortable, unpleasant, and the opposite of easy. We must tell the truth to others and to ourselves. We are terrified of truth, but God wants to use it to heal us. God doesn’t tell mercy lies, but He has mercy on us by telling the actual truth to heal in order to heal us.
Cinthia discussed “limps” of her own including an eating disorder that stemmed from her belief that she was not “good enough,” as well as her dream of being a performer, which she thought must be God’s design since it was her dream for herself. Instead, God used the truth to heal her: that He had made her and liked the way He had done so, that He wasn’t going to change His design of her to suit her, that she could enjoy who He made her to be or not, and, finally, that He had given her musical giftings and creativity as an “add-on” and not her primary mission in life.
God tells us the truth because He cares. When we care about ourselves, we also address our weaknesses and discipline ourselves. We learn to recognize the fleeting nature of feelings. God doesn’t just want us to feel good. He wants us to know that He created us in a way we like and that He is sad that we don’t.
What are you fighting within yourself? What are you fighting yourself about, and is it worth the effort? Are you being your own worst enemy, or are you being a true friend to yourself? About what do you constantly argue with yourself? What are you fighting for, and what are you trying to achieve? Are you fighting for yourself or against yourself? What do you talk yourself into and out of? What are you willing to fight for yourself to achieve? Don’t die for a feeling. Don’t give up over a feeling.
Finally, Cinthia discussed an article by Cindy Rooy (Times News.net/living/faith/has-god-given-you-a-limp) and asked, “What is the limp that God has given you?” Jacob, notes Rooy, was self-sufficient and independent, but this wasn’t what God wanted for him. Finally, God wrestled (or sent an angel to wrestle) Jacob through the night, finally leaving him with a limp that remained for the rest of his earthly life. After that, Jacob stopped scheming to obtain God’s blessings and learned to trust and depend on Him.
God will wrestle with us to break our will so He can bless us in our brokenness. This is because He loves us. We were never meant to live in our own strength, independent of Him, and we destroy ourselves and miss out on the life we were meant to live when we try. Don’t judge your need for Him. Don’t feel badly that you can’t do it without Him. Think of how we feel about children and pets who need our help. God wants us to rely on Him in our need and learn to trust Him. Consider Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” (II Corinthians 12:7-10). We submit to God most consistently out of our need.
God disciplines His children because He loves us. Similarly, when we learn to care about ourselves, we learn to discipline ourselves. We only discipline ourselves if we care enough about ourselves. It is not ok to care so little about ourselves that we don’t discipline ourselves toward what is good for us.
Who do you trust, and who trusts you? Jesus is the Good Shepherd. He wants you to know His voice and follow Him. He does not want to give you a debilitating limp before you submit. He wants you to trust Him. His plan for you is specific, and He wants you to walk it out the way He intends, which will ultimately result in your highest fulfillment, though not necessarily all your best feelings right now.
God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or think (Ephesians 3:20). Trust Him.
Monday Jun 19, 2023
Family vs. Friends
Monday Jun 19, 2023
Monday Jun 19, 2023
Which is more important, friends or family? To some, family should always come first at all ages and stages of life. Others see the family of childhood as little more than an option once adulthood is reached since one can create a “family of choice” and no longer depend on the family of origin. Today Cinthia explored the similarities and differences between familial relationships and friendships and offered some principles to help us navigate our relationships well. She emphasized that relationships are vital for human beings, that family and friends are not an either/or choice, that it is okay to enjoy either or both, and that recognizing the reasons we enjoy one kind of relationship more than another can help us maturely and effectively navigate both kinds of relationships.
Family relationships and friendships have a lot in common. They can both be comforting, and they can both be stressful. Both can be warm, loving, healthy, and respectful, and both can be cold, neglectful, even abusive. Both can be irreplaceable. Both can differ over the course of the lifespan, and both can maintain through ups and downs. Families can help us when we experience pain in friendships, and friends can help us when we experience pain in family relationships. We can work on each kind of relationship, and each kind can grow and change. We can have disappointed expectations in both, and, in both, we can learn to set boundaries and allow for healing.
One important difference, however, is that the relational labels of family members do not change regardless of conflict, estrangement, etc. Friendships are often circumstantial and may grow and flourish or weaken and fade based on factors like geography, choice of workplace, etc. Even good friendships sometimes end, though there are friends who stick closer than family members. But family relationships are, by definition, permanent, and even extreme situations like estrangements do not end their existence. This can create pressure, guilt, and great difficulty leaving even when a situation is truly dangerous. However, the permanency of family relationships can also encourage us to maintain connection whenever possible and reasonably safe, to resist treating human relationships as disposable, and to work on resolving issues that might mean the end of a friendship. Cinthia noted that she spent many years asking God why He gave her the adoptive family He did but that she now understands more about why His choice of them for her was so important and right. “Family of choice” (the people on whom we choose to rely for support, connection, sharing, etc.) can be very helpful, but family of origin (the one that produced and/or raised you) and family of procreation (the family we create with marital, biological, and/or adoptive ties) does not cease to matter as a result.
Friendship, on the other hand, begins and continues by choice. We are more responsible for the composition of our friendships because we get to pick them. While families are a mixture of very complicated humans that have very different personalities and very different gifts, friends may select one another based on preferred traits or things they have in common. Because of this, families of choice can be great places to connect. Families can have more complex issues (e.g., hierarchy, indebtedness), but friends often share a more even power structure. We can also have different groups of friends, giving us options for getting our needs met and meeting the needs of others, though this can also mean less incentive to resolve issues in any given group. Friendship matters, even to our health; research indicates that healthy friendships are better predictors of our physical health in some ways than our family relationships are.
So which is better, family or friends? Well, both are, and we need them both. We can have healthy, fulfilling relationships even if our families are not healthy because we can cultivate friendships, but our familial relationships will always matter to us at some level, even in cases where we cannot safely continue to be in interactive relationship.
So what are the healthiest relationships in your life? Are you doing the emotional work it takes to make the most of them? As adults, we can manage the bumps and valleys of familial relationships and of friendships, but we have to have appropriate expectations of each. While friends can meet needs appropriate to friendship, we cannot expect them to meet the childhood needs our parents did not meet. And while it is possible for a family member to become a true friend, it is not realistic to expect that all our family members have to be our best friends or that our family members will exhibit everything we might choose in our friends. We also have to be aware of the ways these relationships impact one another. Family relationships can create expectations for relationships throughout the life span. We may carry our family system with us and expect or recreate it around us. Or we can react to it throughout the life span, rebelling against it for a lifetime. We do well to recognize what happened in our families, how we interpreted it, and how it is currently impacting our everyday lives. Are you cultivating friendships out of a need to recreate or rebel against your family of origin?
It is okay to have different kinds of feelings about each kind of relationship. It is wonderful to enjoy your family even more than you enjoy your friends, but lots of people don’t feel that way. And, no matter how much your extended family wants to be to you, it is okay to set boundaries and have friends outside the family. We must recognize that no one person can be and do everything for us, just as we cannot do that for anyone else. It is also okay to let relationships grow and change. Sometimes we grow out of friendships, and this can hurt. Sometimes a family relationship becomes a friendship, as well, while other familial relationships do not. Whatever kind of relationship you are navigating, make sure you are showing up as an adult in the relationship. Adults get to pick who they let get closest to them, and they are responsible for the way they behave toward others.
Relationships are important, period. Human beings need them. The more connected we are with other humans in healthy ways, the healthier we are. The relationships we choose influence our health dramatically, increase our problem-solving skills, etc. We are responsible to treat both our family and friends as we would like to be treated. We are responsible to be adults in the ways we interact. We are responsible for our part in getting to know our family and friends as adults, and in allowing space for them to change, too. As adults we have choices. We can affect systems if the systems allow themselves to be affected; we can participate in the change process in relationships when others are willing to participate, too. We can also accept losses that are beyond our control. It’s ok to prefer either your family or your friends, but do pay attention to why you enjoy one more than the other. Choose positively rather than reacting.
Monday Jun 12, 2023
Letting Go
Monday Jun 12, 2023
Monday Jun 12, 2023
Inspired by a listener’s request, today Cinthia discussed how to let go, applying it to various kinds and levels of loss: the loss of something or someone to which we have become attached, someone or something we loved, something for which we hoped, something on which our hearts were set, something to which we so looked forward, something we enjoyed, etc. How do we move forward when the object of our desire is gone?
The answer is the grief and loss process. Cinthia begins with John 11:35 in which Jesus weeps at the death of His friend Lazarus. He stops and takes time for this. God understands the physical need for tears. Dr. William of the St Paul-Ramsey Medical Center found that tear composition varies according to the cause of our tears. Those that stem from emotion differ from irritant-based by containing more protein-based hormones, which are actually natural pain killers, so that emotionally-based tears actually help us heal and to feel better. When we are willing to cry over the loss, we physically release enzymes from our bodies. Jesus allowed Himself to cry, and it likely strengthened Him for the work He was about to do. Cinthia also points out that Lazarus’s death likely impacted the entire community and that the faith of some felt shattered since their expectations of Jesus were disappointed. People were questioning why Jesus didn’t heal Lazarus, just as we all struggle when dealing with the living God: why are His ways so different from ours, and how do we trust Him when we don’t understand what He is doing?
Cinthia encourages us not to minimize our pain, even if our own feelings surprise us. Grief can blindside us, even when we knew it was coming. We can’t always decide how we are going to feel about something. We can even be shocked about how much it hurts or how much it affects us. What one person needs to cry about is different than what another may need to cry about. We need to honor our own and one another’s pain and help each other move through it. All each of us can do is to be the best version of ourselves while we weep, wail, and fall apart. Cinthia states, “The enemy of our soul wants us to minimize our pain and maximize our pleasure as a way to thwart the process of a full, rich, and abundant life…. The intention is impeding the process of healing and, thereby, stealing all that is good.” She also states, “The grief and loss process is important no matter what size the loss is.”
Acknowledging our grief is not the same as allowing the pain to become our identity or using it as tacit permission to behave in ways we know are wrong – we still have to do life, and we should help each other continue to move forward. At the same time that we want to get rid of the pain, we may also have a hard time letting go of the pain since it can seem like the only link we have left to the one or the thing that has been lost. But this, also, is short-circuiting the acceptance process.
We all want to avoid the pain, not go through it. We all want to find a different way. But the only way out of it is through it. We cannot even “skirt around the edges” of our grief, though we may sometimes need to “dose ourselves” with small steps so we do not become thoroughly overwhelmed. Pain demands a response, regardless of its size, cause, etc. Some grief processes are small and short, while others last for a lifetime. God can use all of them for our good, though this does not necessarily mean that He caused the tragedy in order to teach us something, etc. Cinthia discussed the “weeping and wailing women,” reading from the Message version Jeremiah 9:16 and several verses following. The weeping and wailing women were to be called to help everyone in the community access their own tears so that they could truly lament and heal. We do better if we cry together. The world hardens us, and we help each other cry.
Cinthia discussed Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief (i.e., shock and denial, anger, bargaining, sadness/mourning/depression, and acceptance), maladaptive coping skills that help us avoid or ignore our grief process (e.g., drinking, smoking, overeating/sleeping/watching television, rage, avoidance, addictions/compulsions, aggression, minimizing, rationalizing, lethargy, etc.), roadblocks to processing grief (e.g., not recognizing change has happened, not accepting it, not expecting to have to mourn certain losses, feelings of anger, rejection, guilt, regret, shame over stigma that makes us not want to draw attention to the loss, previous losses that are unresolved, fear of exploring feelings, not wanting to upset or add grief to others, not wanting others to feel bad for us or to increase family pain, complicated grief from prior overdependence so that loss of self occurs with loss of another person, hanging onto grief to avoid the finality of loss, sex roles and cultural conditioning, not knowing how to appropriately grieve), and elements of mourning, which is active participation in the grief and loss process (e.g., acknowledging the reality of the loss, embracing the pain of the loss, needing to remember, and allowing our sense of identity to adjust in a limited way). She acknowledged that, when loss is deep as in the loss of a cherished loved one, we heal but do not “get over it.” We are never the same, and, while identity is fixed, we have to accept certain changes in ourselves.
Cinthia also discussed forgiveness of whoever or whatever supported the loss; this may be a person, our own body, or even God. The concept of “forgiving” God is tricky because His ways are right, but we can still “hurt our feelings on Him,” becoming upset because He didn’t do what we thought He should or would do. God knows and understands. Talk to Him about this. He wants friendship with you. “God always gives the best to those who leave the choice to Him.” -Selwyn Hughes.
Resisting grief can get us stuck. It is impossible to rush to acceptance. “We can’t think our way through grief,” stated Cinthia. We can shelve certain feelings at times to function in life, but we still need to be honest with ourselves about the state of our feelings and thoughts underneath our compartmentalization. The bigger the loss, the more we may want to ignore it, but the real goal is to effectively manage the stress and pain. Cinthia shared the poem “Along the Road” by Robert Browning Hamilton and encouraged us to be willing to walk a mile with sorrow.
Monday Jun 05, 2023
Let Them Love You
Monday Jun 05, 2023
Monday Jun 05, 2023
Do you let people love you? Do you accept gifts graciously, receive compliments kindly, and gratefully experience help when it is offered? If not, you aren’t alone; many people minimize compliments, feel uncomfortable with gifts and kindnesses given, and even reject help offered despite really needing it. We all need love, but it can be harder to receive than we might expect. Today Cinthia encourages us to allow ourselves to be loved, examining some reasons we may not do so and offering alternative responses that are more gracious.
Reasons for struggling to accept love can include suspicion or difficulty trusting others. We may wonder if there are “strings” attached to a gift or fear that accepting a kind gesture will put us in debt to another person. But a gift is, by definition, offered without the expectation of payment. Receiving kindly means expressing appreciation, perhaps giving an authentic “thank you,” perhaps even telling the person what their kindness means to us or saying something like, “You made my day.” But we are not obligated to “mind-read” and try to figure out whether the giver may secretly be expecting something in return. We have to practice not “reading into things” more than we should. If there is no obvious reason to fear an ulterior motive, most often we can graciously accept the gift as it is presented. In fact, this is a mark of good boundaries: we allow others to be responsible for their communications and take responsibility for our own. If there are conditions we do not know, we can ignore them unless and until they are communicated. If it turns out that the giver was expecting reciprocity, we can respond to that when we learn of it, perhaps saying something like, “I wish I had known that you expected that in return; I am not able to do that. What can I do now?” In some cases we might even return a gift, explain that we will not be able to accept further help, etc. In many cases, however, this does not become necessary. Actually, lots of people sometimes enjoy doing nice things for others, giving gifts, or being kind without trying to set up recipients to be in their debt. Why drain their joy and our own by undermining their kindness with our suspicions? Train yourself in the following boundary: “I don’t have to be a mind-reader.” Receive with kindness.
Another reason for rejecting kindness, grace, help, or gifts can be a sense of embarrassment or shame at being seen as vulnerable, weak, or in need. This can be especially true with those closest to us; sometimes we find it easier to accept help from strangers than to be known and assisted by those who are close to us. But covering is a function of love. Different than enabling (which protects sin), love grants us protection while we are in the process of repentance and change. God does this for us without limit. People do have limits since our endurance cannot match His, but people who love us can offer us safe harbors in which to change rather than exposing us throughout the process, just as we can do for them. Allow those who love you to support you as you change. Receive their support with kindness.
Sometimes we struggle to accept gifts, help, or kindness because we believe we do not deserve such good things. Often, this is because we are choosing to believe our own negative feelings, but this does not justify insulting the giver by refusing to receive or trying to pay for what is freely offered. The one who shows mercy offers a blessing; don’t steal from the person trying to bless you. Acknowledge and accept compliments, whether or not you believe them. Allow the love extended to effect healing in you. Do not give back simply to fix the uncomfortable feeling you have when someone gives you something. Recognize where you end and the other person begins; your discomfort is a part of your experience and something you must address, not something to project onto the other person. Receive kindly.
Cinthia read several verses from I Corinthians 13, which is often called “the Love Chapter.” She emphasized that it is good to love. You can practice good boundaries while giving and receiving. You can do things to help without getting entangled in someone’s entire life. Our society has lots of trouble with relationships now, but human beings still need time, love, space, hope, kindness, and to be seen. Receive kindly. Practice phrases that help you extricate yourself if you have jumped in too deeply. Basic courtesy and kindness are not a commitment to be in each other’s lives long-term. Friendliness does not have to be repaid.
Intimacy involves a deeper level of giving and receiving love. It is not something we should try to experience indiscriminately in our relationships since it requires far more trust and vulnerability than simple kindness, friendliness, courtesy, or politeness (though these things certainly should still be present in our intimate relationships); it is often reciprocal in some way but does not involve the “keeping score” kind of reciprocity. Cinthia read a passage from God Calling entitled “Friend of Mine,” which explores what God is like in His role as our “Great Friend.” We can learn from Him how to be safe for intimacy. Intimacy can hurt and harm like nothing else can if not protected and respected, but it is also important for human flourishing. Cinthia reviewed six types of intimacy: physical (which can include but is not limited to sexual intimacy; can also involve physical touch with close friends, family, and caregivers), emotional (revealing our souls to one another and trusting that it will be safe to do so), experiential (learning with someone, doing and experiencing things together), intellectual (relating mind to mind, understanding things together in a way that helps people to bear them better), creative (working together to make something special, to leave a mark on the world), and spiritual (telling each other what God has done for us, what He has said to us, seeking to know Him together). Intimacy requires a higher level of willingness and skill in giving and receiving love.
Monday May 29, 2023
The Comparison Game
Monday May 29, 2023
Monday May 29, 2023
Cinthia explained at the outset that she sees lots of problems in her practice with people thinking they are not enough, not measuring up, and that this leads to comparing and contrasting themselves with others “twenty-four, seven.” She also explained that she has struggled with comparison in her own thoughts and has worked hard over the course of her life to address this. Cinthia stated that always wanting “to know we’re ok” is part of “the human condition,’ but noted that comparing ourselves to each other as an attempt to accomplish this is highly problematic. How can we compare things that are each intended to be completely unique? Our comparisons also tend to reveal the problems in our priorities. Most of us tend to be dissatisfied with the amount of money we have or the way we look, but God is much more concerned with our morality and whether we are living out the design He made us to live. Comparison offers us nothing to gain and so much to lose; this is why Theodore Roosevelt stated, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Comparison damages pride, dignity, drive, and passion. Things of great value are devalued and lost. There is no end to the comparison options, so there is no way to solve our discontent by succeeding in our comparisons. Comparing focuses us on things we cannot control. It works against being grateful and happy. Comparisons distract us. Even when they comfort us, it is usually on the basis of our perceived superiority to someone else, and this is problematic, too.
As a remedy to our ongoing struggles with comparison, Cinthia suggested we “take advantage of some of God’s thoughts.” She read from Psalm 139 in the New Living Translation and talked about various phrases. She described realizing from these verses that God knew every choice she would make, good and bad, before He created her, and still chose to make her; this made her realize how much He loved her since He still wanted her existence to happen, even with all the costs it entailed. The same is true for each of us. Cinthia also read from Romans 9:20 and verses following, calling this a rebuke from God to those of us who tend to resist His design for us and talk back to Him about the way He made us. She paraphrased, “Who are you to talk back to God? You are a created being. I made you the way I wanted to make you, and I’m happy with the design.” To assume God never takes our ongoing criticism personally is to deny that He is an emotional Being. He is so happy with how He made us, and we complain because we are not getting His vision of us. Despite this, it is better to engage with God and struggle with Him regarding our feelings about His design than to turn to society and ask for its opinion on our design; society has no real ability or right to help us with this. So, if you struggle, engage with Him about it. Ask and accept why He made you and what His vision is for you as His creation. God is proud of His work and wants the universe to see His designs lived out. He intended us to be different from one another, to look different, to do different things. He wanted us to have special ways of interacting with Him, ways He could be with each one, just as parents enjoy different ways of interacting with each child.
Comparison is a hard habit to break, so here are some alternatives to “just stopping:”
- Commit to making a fair comparison. Don’t compare yourself based on things you don’t really know or cannot change. Most comparisons are unfair because we don’t have the metrics for all the things we judge. An unknown person has said, “Never compare your inside to someone else’s outside.”
- Accept that there are some things you cannot change. Come to terms with yourself as a created being. God did not consult you when He created you, nor should He have. He put thought into you. He wants His creation to enjoy the way He created it.
- Accept everything about yourself, including the things with which you do not agree. You will have more power to change once you stop fighting to deny reality. Don’t pretend that it didn’t happen or that you are not flawed.
- Say helpful things to yourself, such as, “I can’t assess who I am or what I have based on others because I am made uniquely.” Or try, “Keep your eyes on your own paper.”
- Be intentional about identifying and removing your subconscious comparisons. Don’t rank-order humans. Our actions vary, but our value is the same. Practicing this is very difficult, but it is worth it.
- It is ok to be inspired by others and learn from one another. It is okay to admire what another does and consider whether it might be good for you, too. But this is different from comparisons that rely on denigrating you or someone else.
- Learn to focus on contributing good things, and enjoy those successes without comparing them to those of others. Help other people. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin so that you can be safer for others.
- Compete less; appreciate more. Intentionally practice gratitude. Remember that focusing on what others have and do will prevent you from appreciating all the extraordinary blessings in your own life. Life is not one big competition. Judging others is not a way to make yourself feel better. Humbly ask questions of people you admire, even your own children.
- Join God in approving of what He made. Thank Him for creating you and for the way He did so. If you struggle with this, ask Him to help you see His vision for your life and accept, embrace, and walk out His purposes for you.
Monday May 22, 2023
How Do I Love Thee
Monday May 22, 2023
Monday May 22, 2023
Cinthia opened today’s episode with a famous sonnet by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, entitled “How Do I Love Thee?” The poem famously begins, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” and then beautifully lists a variety of ways the lover in the poem loves the beloved. Cinthia cited this as a beautiful exploration of the reality that love is acted upon, carried out, expressed in actions and gestures that mean something to the lover and to the beloved.
Have you ever done something meaningful for someone you loved, only to observe that the individual didn’t seem to find it meaningful? It is very important to know how people want to be loved. It can be exhausting to give and give but find that the person to whom we are giving is not emotionally nurtured by the things we are giving. In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman listed five “languages” through which people give and receive love; these were words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts. Chapman asserted that individuals tend to have preferred ways in which they most like to be shown love, ways that most effectively communicate love to each person. Cinthia elaborated today on the idea that, while we can all receive love in a variety of ways and may not have only one “love language,” we do have primary preferences in this area, communications of affection that resonate with us more than others, gestures that give us emotional nourishment we can most easily receive. Recognizing and honoring one another’s love languages streamlines our efforts in relationships, making our attempts to meet one another’s needs more effective and keeping the needs from becoming overwhelming.
Learning to communicate through love languages is a process. As a loved one, knowing yourself involves knowing what makes you feel loved and owning it. Adults can accept not having emotional needs met in every situation, but, in close relationships, it is helpful to communicate to other people what will most help us to feel loved. Simultaneously, we must learn the preferences of those we love and be willing to communicate with them in these ways. Cinthia explains, “When we are loving someone, it is an investigative process… The problem is, I probably need to learn how to love you instead of assuming that the way I love feels good to you. See, we have this tendency to want to love people the way that we feel love. But the most loving thing I could do is to love you the way you want to be loved. This means I may need to do things that aren’t very exciting to me, or fun, or invigorating. But, if I do them, you feel great. And, really, maybe that’s the point.” Are you willing to communicate love to your closest loved ones, even when it feels involves altering some of your habits or behaviors, feeling uncomfortable, or engaging in gestures that are not meaningful to you but mean a lot to the one you love?
There are specific messages we need to receive in order to feel loved. These include, “I see you,” which we gain from focused attention, presence, fulfillment the basic human need to be seen; “I know you,” which involves understanding what something might be like for an individual and recognizing how various experiences might be different for one person than for someone else; and, “You’re safe with me,” which requires being able to trust someone with confidences and know that tolerance, forgiveness, acceptance, and desire for growth will be part of the relationship.
Cinthia briefly explored each of the five love languages. Regarding people whose love language is acts of service, she noted that actions are required to back up words spoken. For those whose love language is receiving gifts, the focus is not on how expensive the gift is but on the communication that you know what would please that person and have taken effort to do so. Quality time involves uninterrupted focus, prioritizing your time together, connecting emotionally; while the activity itself is not really the point, planning for and protecting the time together and the focus on each other during that time is important. Words of affirmation can involve verbal or written communication that says how much the person is loved and should also include why, noting specific traits that are appreciated about the beloved. Physical touch, for those who most value it, helps them know that you like being with them, being next to them, creating your own space together; it can involve sexual intimacy in romantic relationships but can also involve other forms of touch, such as shaking hands, patting a back, giving a hug, etc.
It comes down to the “do” – How “DO” I love you? Are you willing to learn, to adapt? If your beloved values being on time, are you willing to make an effort to be on time for that person? If someone you love needs help with something, are you willing to help you, even if it involves something that feels like work for you? How can we give one another concrete experiences of our love, working to make the relationship viable and enduring? Let me count the ways…
Monday May 15, 2023
Attractiveness
Monday May 15, 2023
Monday May 15, 2023
Is attraction something that just comes and goes, completely beyond our control? Today Cinthia explores attractiveness as a responsibility we have to others, one that is not primarily about our physical makeup. While she introduces this topic in terms of spouses who are no longer attracted to their spouses, she explores it further as it applies to our interactions with society in general. How attractive we are has to do with what it is like for others to be around us. This is why men often appear more attractive when they exhibit “confidence contained.” In all of us, qualities like kindness, gentleness, mercy, flexibility, nobleness, health, willingness to work hard, etc., tend to be attractive, while disrespectfulness, immaturity, vulgarity, being unaware of your audience, refusing to cooperate with others, and selfishness in general make us less attractive to others. We are more attractive when we adjust ourselves somewhat to others by learning to “check the temperature of the room;” for example, we can notice whether other people find their jokes humorous and when they do not. They notice how their behavior is impacting others and adjust to those with whom they interact.
In our society, many people expect that others should be attracted to them unconditionally, as if all of society is obligated to offer them the unconditional acceptance they needed from their parents and continue to need from God. Sometimes people today expect that their showing up should be enough for everyone else. However, this is not a realistic expectation for adults to hold. We offer babies unconditional goodwill no matter how much they scream or how many bodily fluids they deposit on us because we understand that they are babies. We accept that teenagers are learning to deal with others maturely and may sometimes be difficult to engage; this is because we understand that they are teenagers. Adults, however, have the ability and the expectation to recognize that their behavior impacts other people. Our behavior can make us unattractive. Our hygiene practices can make it uncomfortable for people to come close to us. To refuse to recognize this is immature, and it is draining for others who have to deal with it on a regular basis. It takes courage to own the experience others have of us when we interact together, but maturity knows that its decisions matter. Selfishness and immaturity are exhausting for others. Pushing boundaries for attention gets old. Creating awkwardness or discomfort just to get a reaction gets tiresome. Selfishness, withholding, refusing to share or fill in the gaps for those who cannot do it themselves – these things are burdensome to others. Don’t confuse assertiveness and selfishness; they are not the same thing.
Owning your impact does not mean being someone that you are not, hiding your feelings all the time, or constantly seeking to meet everyone else’s expectations, no matter how unrealistic or unwholesome. It simply means recognizing that you are not entitled to show up without showering, use whatever language you want, and expect everyone to be thrilled that you are there. It means acknowledging that others are allowed to have feelings about the impact of your decisions on them.
As an adult, you can learn to be an attractive person, regardless of whether you possess physiological beauty. This does not mean our appearance is irrelevant, however; the ways in which we care for ourselves are relevant to the experience others have of us. The way we dress indicates something about our own willingness to contain ourselves instead of expecting others to deal with the rawest versions of us. Going to the grocery store in pajamas, for example, may to communicate to others that our own comfort is our highest priority and that we have little concern for the atmosphere we are helping to create. While the 1950’s had another set of problems, one positive aspect of that decade was the expectation people embraced to show some respect for themselves and others in certain ways, including pulling themselves together when going out of the house. Our clothes tell a story about us; this is why politicians dress differently when speaking to different groups of people. (Please note that not everyone needs to work harder at looking good in public. Some people need to “lighten up” while others need to “tighten up.”) Taking care of our physical appearances also impacts us personally. Cinthia discussed an article from Getty Images that addressed this through the lens of play rehearsal in professional settings; it explained that the costumes actors wear impact their embodiment of a character, that the way we dress sends messages to our own brains about who we are and impacts the way we perform. A study found that increased formality in students’ clothing increased the students’ abstract processing. This is why people who work from home are often advised not to do so in their pajamas but to put on some level of professional clothing. People’s brains really do pick up on clues subconsciously, and we really do send messages to others and ourselves. (Of course, appearance is not the whole story; while a tie may make you look and feel more reliable, you still have to actually follow through and be reliable in order to maintain that impression.)
So, returning to the arena of spousal attraction, a similar principle applies. Expecting your spouse to be endlessly and unconditionally attracted to you regardless of how you look, behave, relate to them, etc., is selfish. We should not take advantage of those who commit to us in sickness and in health by using their commitment as an excuse to be lazy or thoughtless, to become the worst version of ourselves. This applies in the way we talk to one another, handle our emotions, communicate about important issues, maintain self-care, and address problems. Ongoing attractiveness is not about achieving or maintaining physical perfection, nor does it mean we will not go through seasons of change. Rather, it is about taking responsibility to be pleasant company for those with whom we travel through life, just as we want them to do for us. And, when we know that we are struggling, we can show consideration for those closest to us by thanking them for their patience and acknowledging the impact our struggles have on them.
We honor ourselves and others by taking responsibility for our choices. Our choices matter because we matter and because those around us do, too. Be someone whose presence benefits others, including those closest to you.