Conversations with Cinthia

Emotional Baggage (Replay of 9/10/23)

What is emotional baggage, and how does it affect our relationships?  Emotional baggage is the remaining residue of trauma on our lives, whether from traumatic events (e.g., physical assault) or in a broader sense (e.g., relational trauma).  It can become an ongoing part of what we carry with us into new relationships.  We unwittingly take it into new relationships and begin to recreate or re-experience the same thing again and again, reinforcing the trauma-based beliefs we have formed in our thinking, causing them to grow and self-justify.  Think of Linus’s blanket in the Peanuts cartoons.  What are you dragging with you into your new relationships?

Emotional baggage does not define you.  Trauma does not define you.  Just as having a sleeping bag placed on top of you does not make you a sleeping bag, having traumatic baggage placed on you does not redefine you as the baggage itself.  This means (among other things) that you can make choices that impact how much power your emotional baggage has as your life continues.  Toward this end, Cinthia offers a checklist of questions to consider when entering a new relationship:

1. Am I willing to take time to heal (e.g., feel the difficult feelings, process them, etc.), or am I hoping this relationship will be the healing element? (The latter is dangerous.)
2. Am I learning to listen to my gut, or am I listening to the woundedness?
3. Have I felt what I am feeling before this? What is being triggered here?
4. Am I putting on a persona with this person, or am I acting like myself?
5. Have I forgiven myself and my exes for what happened in past relationships, or am I carrying some of it with me?
6. Am I facing/exploring patterns in my own life and getting to know myself honestly?
7. Am I willing to courageously change the things that need to be changed, or am I hoping the relationships will change them for me?
8. Would I want to be with me? Do I like spending time with myself?  If not, what do I need to change or accept so that I can present myself honestly with another person and not inflict something on them that I would not want inflicted on me?
9. What do I do when I am being triggered? When do I get triggered, and what triggers me?
10. What will I do if I encounter a concerning situation with this person? What are my options?  (Learn to ask yourself, “Does that baggage actually belong to me?”  Another person’s behavior may not be about you, and you need to know where you end and they begin.  Cinthia emphasized that it is ok to leave a date early, and you can even be gracious about it.  You do not have to lie or agree to see him/her again.  Learn to utilize self-talk, grounding, breathing, relaxing, identifying your choices, slowing things down -- Stay with yourself.  Own your choices and options, and recognize that theirs are not yours.  Practice learning to say, “I don’t think we are a match,” “I need to leave now,” etc.) 

Recognizing baggage is the first step to overcoming it.  Here are some tips for doing so: 

First, acknowledge the emotion.  Are you feeling sad, mad, glad, or scared?  If you are confused, you may be feeling a mix of these.  Identify the feelings, and do not blame yourself for feeling them.  Learn to say, “I am feeling this.  What is triggering it?”  Then ask yourself whether there is any true information in the feeling.  Feelings are very real but do not always come with true thoughts and information.  Allow yourself to feel the emotion without necessarily believing everything it tells you.

Second, face the feelings.  Maya Angelou said, “History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived but, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.”  Will you choose courage to face your fears, mistakes, and hurts, to take the journey you need to take? 

This process can be like an archaeological dig, per Laurie Allender, LCSW, and her partner Bob Hollender.  First, unearth things intentionally and conscientiously.  Go back and look at them.  To “understand” is to stand under something and look at it, to observe what you can learn from it.  Then unravel them.  Look without judgement at how the things influence you.  Unlock things.  Share your story with people who are safe and trustworthy.  Learn to forgive.  Take responsibility for yourself and your part.  Recognize what you resent, what generalizations you have made.  This is not about blaming yourself, but about empowering yourself to have more control in the future.  Forgive your ex and yourself; for some, one of these may be easier than the other.  Turn problems into solutions.  Turn the focus away from what you did and toward what you want for the future.  Let go of the old, and allow for the new.  Look for evidence that it can be different in the new relationship, etc.  You can contribute to what is being created now. 

Humans were made to be with one another.  You were made to be loved.  Deal with your baggage so it does not dictate the story of your current or future relationships.    

A Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams

Today Cinthia discusses concepts from her book God Wants You Truly Living (Not Walking Dead).  God knows we cannot achieve happiness by chasing it.  The book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible demonstrates this; Solomon chased happiness with gusto and resources but found the chase futile.  Jesus, however, said that He came that we might have abundant life – the kind of life He had.  Jesus was truly free despite living in an oppressed people group dominated by the Roman Empire.  He had a deep, meaningful relationship with the Father, and it was in this relationship that He got His value.  He had meaning and purpose, a clear conscience, and deep, meaningful relationships with others.  Perhaps most powerfully, though, Jesus was willing to die.  He died literally, physically, for others in obedience to His Father, God.  He died to Satan’s temptation to pursue His destiny and rights outside of obedience to His Father God.  And He calls each of us to die to ourselves.  This does not necessarily mean physical death – at least not yet.  We are not to go looking for physical death.  But each of us has things to which we cling, things that feel like death to release.  Often these are things we think we need but that are actually choking the life out of us.  Sometimes they are good things that are in the way of the best things.

Abundance is more than enough but never excessive.  Jesus went first in dying to Himself.  He is the Way.  We have to follow Him in “death” even while we are still alive by dying to whatever He calls us to let die.  See Philippians 3:10, Ephesians 3:20, and John 10:10.  Jesus trusted that His Father God knew Him to the core of His Being.  He entrusted His rights, His identity, His destiny, His authority, His life to the Father.  If we are to follow Him in this, we also have to learn to trust that our Creator knows us to the core of our beings.  God is not trying to make us happy as His primary goal because He knows that happiness is an overflow of an abundant life; He knows that for which we are truly made and also sees the good things that are getting in the way of the best things.  The enemy also knows that the pursuit of happiness only increases the emptiness inside of us.

It's easy to dismiss Jesus’s death as being something He could do because He was perfect.  But Jesus was also human, and He made it clear in Gethsemane that He did not want to have to go to the cross.  He asked not to have to do it, to have another way made if it could be made.  Still, He obeyed and went.  He died to Himself.

Dying to myself means, in part, that all the things my body is screaming for me to do, I release to Him.  I have to determine as an adult whether or not those things are healthy, holy, of good repute, pleasing to Him, and His best for me at this time, or whether He wants me to deny myself some or all of those things.  We don’t often like the death to ourselves that Jesus showed us.  But He was willing to do it, and He tells us that we need to be willing to do it.  When Jesus took on a created body, He was willing to live His life the Creator’s way.  We fight the Creator.  We want a shorter, easier, faster, less-painful way to our destiny.  Satan tempted Jesus with this route in the desert, and He rejected it.  We think that we can discover, create, or defend our own identity.  But we do not know ourselves as well as our Father knows us.  He knows the identity He intended for us.  If you won’t let go of the thing you are cherishing, it may kill you.

Cinthia discussed the seed that dies in order to produce the fruit.  Don’t protect or abandon the seed.  Water it, nourish it, but allow it to die.  It is in death that the seed will be able to reach beyond its packaging.  We are very used to bondage in a lot of ways, to the boxes in which we enclose ourselves.  We have to die to ourselves as the seed does, usually long before we face physical death.  Ephesians 3:20 (Message version) says, “God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in you wildest dreams!  He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.”  And John 10:10 (Amplified version) says, “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].”  This is God’s desire for His people.  Not only that, but He also promises in Psalm138:8 that He “will fulfill His purpose for me.”  Psalm 23:4 describes Him as with us as we walk through the shadow of death.  There are two types of death that have to occur in order to produce and sustain life:  The first is the death of a good thing in order to become the best thing.  The second is the death of “the thing that is killing me.”  How many of us fight to keep alive the thing that is killing us? 

So ask yourself, “Am I refusing to move forward in ways that are age- and circumstance-appropriate?  Am I resisting age-appropriate tasks?  Am I holding onto previous life stages, to behaviors and clothing and self-care patterns that are no longer appropriate to my current life stage?  Do I refuse to move forward with technology?  What do I want to ignore or deny?  Am I unwilling to go through the grief and loss process?  Do I hold onto a person, decade, paradigm, or belief system?  Do I allow a system that isn’t working to continue?  Am I willing to let expectations die?  Am I resisting a new season that is only going to happen anyway?  Am I willing to let go of my dream or my vision for myself or another person?  What are the birth pains that I may be ignoring or resisting?  What is trying to come out of me?  Am I resisting dying to self?”  Do not continue to resist what you know is natural for you to do – not those things that are natural in their decadence, but those that are natural to what God has created in you.

Consider Philippians 1:6 and Isaiah 66:7-10.  We don’t know the mind of God.  We cannot force to die what He wants to live or force to live what He knows must die.  The only way out is through.  You were born for a reason.  So what has to die in order for that reason to live?  God says to us, essentially, “Don’t quit on Me now.  I’m not finished with the good work I’ve begun in you.  God wants to give us peace that passes understanding.  We need to stop trying to understand everything.  God has a way, His way, and we need to trust Him, whether or not we understand.    

The Devil Is In the Details

Have you ever heard that saying, “The devil is in the details?”  The idea behind this saying is that something which seems simple and straightforward may, in fact, have a catch, a hidden element that can eat away until it causes destruction.  It is important to pay attention to the little things that can cause big problems and to do the work it takes to address these important details.  Seemingly small habits like laziness, lying, denial, and destructive thought patterns can create ruin.  At the same time, it is also important not to snag on the wrong details.  Perfectionism kills.  Some things really are “good enough” and need to be left alone.  Today Cinthia explores what it means to “get the devil out of the details” so that he cannot use details against us.  This means we have to ask God what details are important to Him, what small things could get in the way of what He wants our lives to be.  What little details are potentially eating away at the structures that hold up your life, and which things need to be accepted as “good enough?”

Our Creator is very aware of details.  We cannot be as perfect in detail as He is, and, unlike Him, we are vulnerable to focusing on unimportant details and missing the main point.  Our creations can reflect on God and also show differences between us and Him.  Sometimes we don’t know what to do with the things that are eating away at what is important; even if you cannot yet get rid of something or do not know what to do with it, the

What is getting in your way?  Which small things make a big difference?  Attention to detail can bring freedom, but it takes time.  We need to think about how much time we put into an imperfection and which things need to actually be removed.  To decide well, we must learn the difference between perfectionism and craftsmanship, which involves commitment to excellence but is grounded in understanding of the big picture regarding what is being crafted.  Most extremes are unhealthy except in life-or-death cases, etc.  Try not to snag on everything like a walking piece of Velcro.

Do your habits help you to represent yourself in an honest way?  Do you pay attention to your own behavior?  Do you put real effort into parenting or figure that your children will navigate the world pretty well on their own?  Do you pay attention to the words you say behind others’ backs?  What is trying to contaminate your soul? Defense mechanisms flare up to defend us; they are attempts to protect ourselves from harm.  However, they can create problems later.  Do your old patterns work in your current life?  Is it time to upgrade what has been comfortable for so long?  The enemy wants to condemn us.  He will not stop, and he is relentless.  We must pay attention and manage our own internal worlds.  Understand your own pace.  Are you crafting your own life?  Do you leave it undone, skimp on the materials, etc., or are you exhausting yourself with perfectionism?  Differentiate between that which you need to let go and that to which you need to attend.  It is very difficult to change things you have practiced over and over again.

Shortcuts are different than rest.  Rest.  Don’t get in a hurry when it is not an emergency.  Thoughtfully consider where your actions will take you.  Which details are worthy of your focus?  Slow down.  Focus.  Give your brain oxygen.  God is making us into what He wants us to be.  His perfecting is good, but our scorecards usually are not.  He is the only Creator that lets the creation participate in the creation process.  Remember, Satan wants to be better than God, and perfectionism is more in line with this than with the perfecting processes of God for His people.  Remember:  You came from His heart.  Accept who He has made you to be.  Work at being the best version of who He made you, but, if you are thinking of changing the creation that God has made, don’t do it.  Details are work, not weight.  Effort is necessary to address details, but running on a hamster wheel to try to be good enough while feeling weighed down by fear and insecurity is counter-productive.  Some things really can be “good enough.”  We need to know which things these are.  Don’t waste energy on what does not need to be perfect.

As you are looking at details in your life, ask yourself, “Does that detail matter to God?”  If it matters to you but He does not seem to be doing anything, ask Him if this is important to Him, if you should be doing anything.  Learn to trust Him.  Do not believe the devil about which details to address,  Go straight to God.  Tell Him if you are struggling with yourself.  Tell Him honestly what you are thinking, and talk to Him about who you are.  You are not the Creator.  It is amazing and tremendous that God would want to make us, and God wants us to share in His happiness about who we are. 

How to Be Attractive

What does it take to be attractive?  Often we think of characteristics that are beyond our control or measures that require lots of time and money.  Some changes would even require compromises to a person’s value system.  Is attractiveness something that most of us are doomed to miss, or that we can have only briefly before age takes it away from us?  Today Cinthia explains that attractiveness can be defined as “pleasing or appealing to the senses,” a definition that is far more within-reach than we might think.  It doesn’t require looking like a model, being wealthy, or compromising one’s value system.  Instead, it is about the experience people have when they interact with you.  Some of the traits are physical; cleanliness, for example, is more likely to please the senses of another person than poor hygiene.  But even our physical characteristics are often made more or less attractive by things like our facial expressions, manners, and other ways of presenting ourselves.  So how do we make ourselves attractive?

We start by observing what we are currently attracting.  What types of people tend to be in your life?  What are you attracting, and what information does this give you about the way you may be presenting yourself in the world?    If you want to attract something different than what you have been attracting, what changes might you need to make? 

We continue by considering the experience others have when they are around us or when they have us in their lives.  This is not about trying to figure out someone else’s ideal and match it; it’s simply about self-awareness regarding the way our choices impact those around us.  What is it like to be around you, to have a conversation with you, to build a life with you, to have you for a friend?  Are you generally friendly, angry, bitter, dismissive, genuine, loving, confident, needy?  Are you kind, gentle, willing to do what needs to be done?  Are you courteous, brave, patient?  Do you try to disappear?  What is the “aroma” that your way of handling yourself and treating others tends to leave in a room?  Are your comments caustic, life-giving, sarcastic, insightful, unnecessary, unheard?  What is the experience of being around you like for others? 

Some of becoming attractive does have to do with the way we care for ourselves physically, though it does not require physical perfection or obsession with wrinkles or the number on a scale.  For example, if one’s physical appearance indicates a lack of respect for self or others of others (e.g., poor personal hygiene, generally neglecting one’s health and/or grooming, etc.), that person’s appearance will be less appealing to others – not because it fails to achieve the cultural idea but because it fails to signal respect.  Similarly, physical perfection that seems almost mask-like can be off-putting even while it is intriguing.  Our outer selves can reflect our inner selves in ways that are appealing or unappealing.  Have you ever been drawn to someone’s face because of the kindness in it?  The confidence?  The humor?  We tend to think everyone sees us as we see ourselves, feels what we feel, and knows what we know.  But other people are often more concerned with their own internal experiences than they are with ours, and they only have the information about us that we give them.  So, if we want others to find themselves drawn to us, we should treat our bodies respectfully.  Beyond that, someone who wants to be recognized as a professional may need to dress professionally.  Someone who wants others to feel safe around them may need to avoid styles that others find shocking, frightening, or repulsive.  A style or look can say, “Pay attention to me,” “Stay away from me,” “Protect me,” or, “Don’t bother me.”  How do you feel about yourself and the world, and does the way you prepare yourself for the day reflect this?  Whether we like it or not, our looks can be an unnecessary barrier to others; don’t cultivate a look that others cannot get past.  Are you willing to put in the work to make your outside match your inside?  Are you using your physical appearance to hide who you are by discouraging people from getting to know you?  Remember, also, that the way you dress will affect your own cognitive functioning (as studies have shown) and mood.  Honor yourself and those with whom you associate by caring for your appearance in a healthy, appropriate way. 

What about attraction in marriage – what if you are not attracted to your spouse, or your spouse is not attracted to you?  Attraction can be lost, gained, and altered.  It may not be healthy to try to be someone you are not in order to match your spouse’s ideal, but neither is it healthy to expect your spouse to “get over” having to deal with your vulgarity, selfishness, immaturity, or disrespect.  What is it like to be married to you?  What experiences do you and your spouse give to each other? 

Attraction is also impacted by what it is like to be associated with someone; we reflect on one another.  This does not mean that we should control one another as a form of image management, but it does mean that we do not display ridiculous, insensitive behavior and then expect those close to us not to feel embarrassed by it.  Those who join together do, in some ways, represent each other.  So read the room.  Do not make jokes that others find hurtful or consistently irritating.  Pay some attention to whether an affair is black-tie or casual.  You do not have to impress everyone positively, but enjoying impressing them negatively can be hard on the people who associate themselves with you.  Remember, too, that you represent yourself and that, if you belong to God, you represent Him.

Humans are so complicated.  Attraction can be very complex.  It’s really a mystery.  It’s a feeling, a sense, a feeling in your body of relaxing around that person or looking forward to being around them.  Some qualities are always attractive to humans, while others like disrespect, vulgarity, immaturity, selfishness, etc., are pretty consistently unattractive.  Interaction produces feelings in other people.  Selfishness is like arsenic for all relationships.  We need to be aware of what bugs the people to whom we are close.  It’s not about popularity, focusing on being liked, etc.  We don’t need to pressure ourselves to present a perfect image.  Instead of thinking you have to watch every detail, think about the overall responses you are getting from people.  Are you being honest with yourself and others in what you communicate through your dress, behavior, etc.?

A happy disposition can also be attractive, and, while we don’t necessarily want to fake being happy or ignore our other real feelings, there are ways to increase our own general happiness.  Cinthia reviewed a list of things we can give up in order to increase personal happiness and, thereby, attractiveness:

-the need to change someone else so you can be right

-the need to control

-blaming others (Cinthia shared the saying, “A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame someone else.)

-self-defeating self-talk (The mind is a superb instrument when used rightly.)

-false beliefs (referring not so much to ideas held by the mind but to those ideas that hold the mind)

-complaining (Christian D Lawrence noted that we can complain that roses have thorns or be grateful that thorns have roses.)

-trying to get others to make you feel what you want to feel

-the need to impress others (Let them have the fun of impressing you!  Remember, adults go into situations with their egos in check and do not need to be the best at everything.)

-resistance to change (Not all change is positive, but be aware of why you are resisting a particular change.)

-labels (These are often limiting, so be really careful about assumptions.)

Remember, attractiveness is not only about appearance.  Be yourself, but be a version of yourself that honors who you are and the impact you have on those around you. 

What Is God Really Wanting for Us?

With the tragedies happening in the world right now, Cinthia encourages each of us to discover and remember why God has placed us on the earth.  With that in mind, today she discusses concepts from one of her books, God Wants You Truly Living (Not Walking Dead).  God is wanting us each to have a life beyond our wildest dreams, but it requires that we die to the things that get in the way of that – including, sometimes, the dreams themselves.

Ephesians 3:20 (Message version) says, “God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in you wildest dreams!  He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.”  And John 10:10 (Amplified version) says, “The thif comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that they may have life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].”  This is God’s desire for His people. 

But what is life that is “abundant?”  Cinthia reads a definition of abundant that begins with the phrase “being more than enough without being excessive” and continues with an abundance of adjectives about fullness and profusion.  Our example of this on earth is Jesus.  Jesus’s abundant life did not include the things we often associate with abundance, the things we tend to think will help us live life to the fullest and achieve happiness.  In fact, happiness lies.  “God is not trying to give us “happy” as a goal,” says Cinthia.  “He knows happiness is an outcome of an abundant life.  The thief, which we know is Satan… realizes that, if I pursue happiness, I will simply be achieving pleasure, which only creates a bigger void in my life that must be continuously fed as it becomes bigger and deeper, screaming more loudly to be fulfilled.”  Consider the book of Ecclesiastes in which the wisest man on earth tried the life of pleasure—tried it well—and declared it meaningless.

Jesus demonstrated the abundant life.  He was free, had deep and meaningful relationship with God the Father and got His value there, had deep and meaningful relationships with others, had a clear conscience, and lived with a sense of meaning and purpose.  But there was something else that offered more power, more life, a separation from any other power or entity:  He was willing to die.  He was willing to die a literal, physical death for us and for the Father Who had sent Him.  But He was also willing to die to Himself, to what He could have tried to be separate from His Father.  His responses to the three temptations Satan offered Him in the wilderness demonstrate this.  How do we let God infuse this into us?

Jesus knew that, in order to be what He was created to be, He would have to do it the Creator’s way.  He had to trust that the Father Who made Him knew Him and knew the best way.  [Don’t misunderstand our use of the word “Creator” here.  We know the Nicene Creed says Jesus was “begotten not made” to express that Jesus existed with the Father from all eternity.  But, when He came to earth, He was knit together by His Father inside of a human mother.  This is the kind of “created” we mean.  Jesus, by Whom and through Whom everything had been created, took on the position of a created human being, and He showed us what it means to live as created human beings are meant to live.]  The Father’s way, the Creator’s way, was for Jesus to die.  God always goes first and sets the course.  He died for us and died to Himself, and this sets the course for us – dying to ourselves, dying to the things we think will give us life but that are, in fact, getting in the way of fulfilling the purposes for which God made us. 

So what has to die in order for you to live?  What has to die in you life in order for you to actually live for Christ?  Cinthia explains, “Not my way, His way.  He is the Creator; I am the created object.”  What are the things that are getting in the way of you being what He made you to be?  Cinthia continues, “We have a great God Who has gone before us and knows the way.  He does not grow tired, and He understands that suffering through death produces life.  Not only that, but He also promises that He will comfort us through the suffering…” and tells us in Psalm138:8 that He “will fulfill His purpose for me.”  You are not meant to do life on your own, trying to do it right and hoping God is happy with it.

Philippians 3:10 and Acts 1:3 describe the necessity and hope in this process.  We join Him in His suffering and death, but also in His resurrection.  He is alive!  He went through death and came back alive!  II Corinthias 1:3-6 (Msg) describes Him as walking with us through our suffering and loss and bringing us alongside others to be there for them.  Jesus is the consummate Servant-Leader.  He leads by example.  He walks with us and walks out His concepts.  Psalm 23:4 describes Him as with us as we walk through the shadow of death.  There cannot be a shadow without light.  What has to die in your life in order for you to fully live it?  This is an important time in history for each of us to recognize the purpose God has for us, to figure out the life He has planned solely for us and to do our part. 

There are two types of death that have to occur in order to produce and sustain life:  The first is the death of a good thing in order to become the best thing.  The second is the death of “the thing that is killing me.”  How many of us fight to keep alive the thing that is killing us?  Addictions, fear, relationships to which we cling even as they keep us from living the life for which God created us – Ask yourself, “Why am I walking out a living death?”  Both types occur simultaneously at different times of life.  Type One is beautifully demonstrated by the seed.  John 12:24-25 (NIV) says, “Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed.  But if it dies, it produces many seeds.  Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”  An unknown author has said that we can count the seeds in a single piece of fruit, but only God can count the fruit that lies within a single seed.   Do not let the enemy minimize who you are, what you know, how you feel, what you want to do, and what your calling is.  Don’t let him talk you out of that.  John 12:24-25 in the Message version says, “Listen carefully: Unless a grain of wheat is buried in the ground, dead to the world, it is never any more than a grain of wheat.  But if it is buried, it sprouts and reproduces itself many times over.  In the same way, anyone who holds on to life just as it is destroys that life.  But if you let it go, reckless in your love, you’ll have it forever, real and eternal.”

Cinthia says, “I want to keep everything sometimes… I only want the things to die that I don’t like.”  But so often the good has to die to give way to the best.  Addiction is a great example of the kind of thing that has to die lest it kill us, but think beyond that.  What has to die in order for you, like the seed, to produce and sustain life?  We have to die to something in order for the thing for which we were created to live.  What won’t you let go?

A seed must die in order to have the life for which it was intended.  Don’t nurse and protect the seed.  Let what is inside of it burst forth.  Don’t abandon it because you don’t know what it is.  Water it and nourish it.  Do this because it may be buried at this time, but God has planted that seed of life within you.  So you need to trust Him.  Don’t be afraid to let the seed die, to break out of the shell that has housed it.  We are very used to our bondage, but God dreams of setting us free to produce and sustain life.  Think about the caterpillar as it turns into a butterfly.  Think about the movie Failure to Launch, which is funny but tragic in the truth it expresses about our culture.  Think about Adam and Eve.  When we go against creation and interrupt or impede God’s timing, the creation either dies or fails to thrive, and we are left with the agony of depression and despair.

So ask yourself, “Am I refusing to move forward in ways that are age- and circumstance-appropriate?  Am I resisting age-appropriate tasks?  Am I holding onto previous life stages, to behaviors and clothing and self-care patterns that are no longer appropriate to my current life stage?  Do I refuse to move forward with technology?  What do I want to ignore or deny?  Am I unwilling to go through the grief and loss process?  Do I hold onto a person, decade, paradigm, or belief system?  Do I allow a system that isn’t working to continue?  Am I willing to let expectations die?  Am I resisting a new season that is only going to happen anyway?  Am I willing to let go of my dream or my vision for myself or another person?  What are the birth pains that I may be ignoring or resisting?  What is trying to come out of me?  Am I resisting dying to self?”  Do not continue to resist what you know is natural for you to do – not those things that are natural in their decadence, but those that are natural to what God has created in you.

Consider Philippians 1:6 and Isaiah 66:7-10.  We don’t know the mind of God.  We cannot force to die what He wants to live or force to live what He knows must die.  The only way out is through.  You were born for a reason.  So what has to die in order for that reason to live?

God Loves Humans - That’s Why He Keeps Making Them

Some shows are easy to do; they make people feel better and inspire sighs of relief in listeners around the world.  Some are more difficult, though, addressing controversial topics and potentially stirring up painful memories, regrets, and even anger for many listeners.  Today’s show is one of the latter.  If abortion is a part of your story in any way, we know it may be painful for you to engage this topic again.  But this topic matters, and you matter -- humans matter to God.  This includes the unborn, and it includes the people who find themselves in difficult places and who sometimes make devastating choices.  We invite you to listen wrapped in the arms of the God Who knows your past, your present, and your future, the God Who alone forgives sins, the One Who remakes the wounded into compassionate soldiers and fierce healers in a battle that doesn’t stop just because we don’t want to think about it anymore.  

Today Cinthia talks with Emily Osmont whose bio includes being a published author, an international communicator who has thirteen years of experience working with the media, having supported international media strategies in over 100 countries, having been a senior manager and humanitarian with the American Red Cross’s national headquarters, having been deployed as a content creator on the ground providing national and international news, and having been published and/or interviewed by national outlets such as Newsweek, CNN, FOX, USA Today, Real Clear Politics, PBS, and many others.  She grew up in Taiwan and is fluent in Mandarin Chinese.  She has an M.A. in International Relations from Regent University.  Now Emily is using all this experience as the VP of Communications at Susan B. Anthony Pro-Life America.

Emily explains that the battle over abortion has changed in the past few decades and that the recent overturning of Roe vs. Wade has not “won the war” for pro-lifers.  In fact, it was just the beginning.  The Dobbs decision gave abortion decisions back to the states, enabling pro-life citizens to have a voice regarding legislation and funding related to abortion, unplanned pregnancies, etc.  In the year and a half, since the decision, 25 states have implemented protections for the preborn, and hundreds of millions of dollars have been allocated to assist their mothers.  This is not being publicized by the mainstream media, though Emily reports telling it to major media outlets on a regular basis. 

Emily also explains that those who publicly support abortion have, as a group, changed their objectives.  While in the 90’s the movement called itself “pro-choice” and stated that abortions should be “safe, legal, and rare,” now the emphasis is on achieving a complete lack of restrictions on abortions of any kind.  Phrases like “abortion on demand” and “bodily autonomy” are part of a demand that abortion be available in every single week of pregnancy.  The Biden administration has recoiled at identifying any limits at all, and it is getting ready to propose legislation for the fourth time that it calls the “Women’s Health Protection Act” but that is essentially a bill for abortion on demand.  It would remove all restrictions across all fifty states, along with all waiting periods, mandatory ultrasounds, parental consent for minors, and conscience laws that protect health care providers from being able to refuse to perform abortions if their beliefs or consciences forbid it.  This would make the United States an outlier among the nations of the world, only 1 of 7 nations to legally allow unrestricted abortion access.  China and North Korea are two of the others; having grown up in Taiwan, Emily recalls watching what it was like to see a society that allowed abortion without any restrictions.  She remembers, for example, that sex-selective abortions became such a problem that ultrasounds were temporarily outlawed to keep people from aborting too many female babies. 

The determination in the United States to remove all restrictions, explains Emily, did not begin when Roe was overturned but has been building for several years.  This is not reflective of the beliefs of American citizens; in fact, Emily cites multiple polls that have shown 7 of 10 Americans oppose abortion in the second and third trimesters, despite the Roe vs. Wade decision having been in place for the past fifty years. 

Abortion tends to be marketed as a simple procedure that will undo or erase a devastating situation, something that will be over within a few days and will fix what has gone wrong in a woman’s.  But Emily points out that for most women, the real problem is a lack of support in their lives, and that is not fixed by abortion.  Cinthia emphasizes that abortion goes with women into the rest of their lives and does not go away when their bodies heal.  Emily emphasizes that the majority of women who have had abortions report that it was not really what they wanted.  Most report having felt they had too little support in their lives, something that is not fixed by the abortion procedure.  In fact, many women may choose abortion because of pressure from partners, parents, and even doctors; many report having received the message that they would have been to blame for having allowed the pregnancy to continue. 

Why the push for abortion on demand when the majority of Americans are “wildly out of step” with it (Emily) and so many women who have chosen it found it anything but empowering?  Why would there not be room for a single boundary?  Why would a country that enforces laws for euthanizing pets in the most humane ways possible place no restrictions on whether, when, and how unborn humans are medically eliminated?  Emily states, “Follow the money.”  The abortion industry is a business, and a very profitable one.  Planned Parenthood recently reported their annual profit to have been 1.79 billion dollars last year.  She states that the loudest and richest voices are currently leading the fight, and the rest of us need to educate ourselves, pay attention to what is happening, and speak up.  Cinthia notes, “Evil is so scary that it shuts everyone down,” and says that the goal for the enemy of our souls is that we fear everything, are afraid to stand up for what is right, and just try to work around it because we do not know what to do when things have already reached this point.  But the abortion industry is relying on pro-lifers to be complacent, to not self-educate, to not know what is happening.  We can pretend it’s not there, but we are going to have to stand up at some point.  We have to be adult enough to say that this is wrong. 

Emily reports particular empathy for women with unplanned pregnancies because she has faced two of her own when young.  She reports that the reason she was able to choose life both times, including one when she chose open adoption for her son, was that she had supportive people around her.  But she remembers how vulnerable she felt in those situations and expresses compassion for those who do not have the kind of support she did.  Studies show most abortive women would have kept their babies if they had had emotional and financial support.  Most women who aborted say it was inconsistent with what they wanted.  Emily says that women often believe no one will be there for them if they choose to have their babies.

But there is help available.  Pregnancy support centers are widespread, available in every state, and typically provide resources and care well after birth and adoption takes place, as well as support for those who have had abortions and are working through the emotional fall-out of those decisions.  Most are doing an amazing job.

Cinthia also encourages remembering that, despite the difficult situations under which some births occur, the babies involved are not the problem. “These are little human babies that God has created and was happy that He did,” she says.  Pregnancy is not an evil to be fixed.  Cinthia and her two brothers were all adopted, and Emily emphasizes that most adoptions now are open, allowing for relationship between the biological mother and the child after birth. 

Now that we are outside Roe, we have an opportunity to create a new culture, a culture of life.  We need to let women know they are heroes for resisting abortion.  We need to educate ourselves on the science of human development in utero.  We need to stop changing language to rename the heartbeat.  We need to empower ourselves to help relieve shame instead of allowing shame to keep people from talking about what is happening.  We need to let people know the Church is a place in which they belong, a place where there is room for them and their situations. 

To educate yourself further and figure out how you might become involved, consider Voyage of Life (https://lozierinstitute.org/voyage/) and sbaprolife.org.

God loves humans.  That is why He keeps making them. 

I Don’t Need You to Be Perfect; I Just Need You

Today’s show title comes from a statement Cinthia found herself making to her husband when he lamented having accidentally dropped a suitcase on her foot while trying to accomplish a project perfectly.  She recognized the statement to be much like what God says to those of us who struggle with perfectionism: He is perfect.  He wants us.  Any perfection we pursue that doesn’t come from Him will only deceive us.

Sometimes we think of perfectionism as a noble weakness, one we can describe with false self-deprecation when asked to identify our limitations in a job interview.  As Christians, we may even think of our perfectionism as spiritually positive, citing verses such as, “You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father as perfect” (Matthew 5:48, ESV).  But perfectionism does not lead us to the kind of holiness God desires for us because our perfectionism is not about God; it’s about us.  It’s our own pursuit of being enough, hiding from the shame that threatens us, making ourselves superior to what we fear we could become.  It may mimic the pursuit of what comes from heaven, but perfectionism is, as Cinthia says today, actually very sinful and “straight from the pit of hell.”  If this sounds shocking, hang in there --- It actually gets pretty freeing.  But that freedom comes with dying to perfectionism.

Perfectionism is egregious to God because only He is perfect.  When we who do not even know what perfection is try to accomplish it in ourselves, it brings death.  God made us, and He said that what He made was very good.  But God’s enemy, the enemy of our souls – Satan – wanted to be like God.  He wanted to exalt himself to perfection out of pride, and he tempts us to do the same.  He tempted Eve with the same prospect – that of becoming like God – and when she believed the fruit would lead her to this, the human race ironically lost the perfection with which it had been made.  We have been trying to get it back ever since then, trying to do for ourselves what only the blood of Jesus can accomplish. 

So what is the difference between pursuing excellence, which is a good thing, and perfectionism?  Well, to start, perfectionism has trouble distinguishing when perfection matters and when it does not.  If a doctor is performing an operation on another human being, that doctor should try to do it perfectly (though, of course, human limitations will still exist).  But perfectionists often feel driven to be (or require others to be) perfect in less-crucial areas of life.  Perfectionists can spend wildly disproportionate amounts of time, energy, and other resources trying to achieve perfection in things that really do not warrant that level of devotion, and sometimes even on what is trivial. 

Here are some other differences between perfectionism and the pursuit of excellence:

-Pursuing excellence involves setting challenging but achievable goals and feeling satisfied when they are achieved.  Perfectionism involves setting impossible goals and feeling crushed when they are not achieved. 

-Those who pursue excellence may feel disappointment when they make mistakes, but perfectionists tend to become consumed with their mistakes.

-The pursuit of excellence is motivated by the potential for success and happiness, but perfectionism is motivated by fear of failure, rejection, or criticism; perfectionists can be very susceptible to these things and can spend their whole lives trying to outrun them.

-The pursuit of excellence allows for satisfaction in having worked hard and accepting some results as being “good enough,” but perfection operates in extremes (e.g., success vs. failure) and leads to exhaustion and an inability to appreciate what God is doing in the moment.  Perfectionism operates in the realm of ego and self-esteem, constantly holding out the fear, “I’m never going to make it,” which turns out to be true.

The cost of perfectionism is high.  Perfectionism can lead us to have difficulty making decisions, to stop trying because we fear failing, and to constantly second-guess ourselves and regret our decisions.  It undermines our opportunities to learn because learning is not perfection.  It requires constant striving, which leads to exhaustion, and that leads to inaccurate self-perception.  Perfectionism contributes to procrastination from lack of confidence and a tendency to make things bigger than they are, as well as stress, anxiety, and depression.

Perfectionism is a personality trait that can be caused by both environmental factors (e.g., overly critical parents) and biological factors (e.g., genetics).  But perfectionism can be changed, and it should be.  Remember, if our intentions were to adore God’s perfection and follow Him as He re-creates it in us, He would love that.  But perfectionism does not lead us to seek God; it can even lead us to avoid Him or see Him as being perfectionistic like we are instead of truly perfect as He is.  Perfectionism causes us to seek and be obsessed with our own ideas of perfection, and these are warped, fallen. While true perfection is found only in God, the One Who knows about our imperfections and Who alone can help us, perfectionism comes from the enemy. 

Perfectionism does not align us with what God is doing, and the obsession it creates with self-blame aligns us, instead, with our enemy.  We need to know who our real enemy: Satan is a liar, and he is brilliant.  Satan fell because he wanted to be like God (Isaiah 14:12-17), and he hates everything that can be more of what God wants.  He is our enemy because He is God’s enemy.  John 8:44 tells us that Satan is a liar and the father of lies, and that, when he lies, he speaks out of his own character.  He was “a murderer from the beginning.”  I Peter 5:8 describes him as our “adversary the devil” who “prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour.”  Jesus called Satan “the ruler of this world” (John 12:31; John 16:11), and II Corinthians 4:4 calls him “the god of this world.”  During the episode Cinthia cites an article called “Satan’s Ten Strategies Against You” which states that it is Satan’s aim to use both pain and pleasure to blind and deceive us.  He masquerades in costumes of light and righteousness.  He is very beguiling.  He loves to represent good as evil and evil as good. 

With all of this, though, God is sovereign over Satan.  Satan is on a leash.  In Job he is described as having to get God’s permission to attack Job (Job 1&2), and he had to ask to “sift” Peter like wheat (Luke 22:31).  Revelation 20:10 speaks of the judgment God will execute on Satan, the deceiver. 

God intends our lives on earth to be a “good fight” against hell by those of us who refuse to be a part of Satan’s dominion, but you cannot fight Satan with your own perfectionism.  It plays right into his strategies.  Instead, you have to get serious about not condemning yourself.  Your adversary is way bigger than you are, and you can only fight him by the blood of Jesus.  Your sins are God’s problem, and He has already accomplished your redemption and forgiveness through the blood of Jesus.  He will help you through the consequences that occur on earth as a result of your sin, not harm you.  James 4:7 says, “Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”  Revelation 12:11 describes those who will “have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.”

So what does our fight look like?  Sometimes it looks like stopping yourself in the midst of a struggle and asking, “Is this a fight that God has asked me to be in?  Is he putting me in a position to fight with the enemy on this one?”  If it is, He will provide you with a way out.  But if you are trying to fight against Satan in your own strength, the results will not be good. 

“Perfectionism,” says Cinthia, “is truly straight from the pit of hell.”  One of the things Satan wants more than anything is for you to think you can be like God.  Remind yourself of this.  Go back to Isaiah 14:12-17.  Humility is not about being humiliated but about knowing yourself realistically.  God says you can overcome because of Him, not in your own strength.  He wants us to overcome because He loves us.  If you are in Him, God has already reconciled Himself to you.  He is not going to abandon you, no matter how He feels about your choices. 

Perfectionism has so much to do with how you run your life and how much you enjoy it.  You think we will arrive and relax, but it never happens.  This is because, as God once told Cinthia, “You don’t even know what perfect looks like.”  We cannot aspire to be God when He is the One Who created us.  We cannot create except with what He has made.  We can mess ourselves up but cannot make ourselves.  Self-forgiveness is key.  The enemy of your soul is constantly showing you what you did wrong, and no one likes shocking themselves.  You must get over yourself as an act of warfare against Satan.  Don’t waste your time and energy covering it up.  Luke 8:17 indicates that secrets will not remain secrets forever.  Allow yourself to learn from your mistakes.  Stop aspiring to your own perfection, and seek the Perfect One.  He is the One Who “is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us” (Eph. 3:20).  Jesus says in John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”  Satan does not want you to have an abundant life.  We have a hard time grasping abundance, and it looks different in each of our lives.  Jesus’s life was abundant without the things with which we associate it. 

Cinthia recalls thinking her perfectionism would protect her from pain, but it was killing her.  In her book God Wants You Truly Living (Not Walking Dead), Cinthia wrote that it is hard for us to comprehend that perfectionism is not where happiness lies.  But, after typing a sentence about that, she noticed those two words sitting next to each other: “happiness lies.”  God knows we can’t achieve happiness by chasing it.  Read Ecclesiastes.  Jesus was free.  He had a deep, meaningful relationship with the Father.  He got His value there.  He had meaning and purpose and did not compare Himself to others.  He had a clear conscience.  He had deep, meaningful relationships with others even though those others were imperfect.  He lived the abundant life without the kinds of success we think we must have.  Jesus was willing to die for others in obedience to His Father, God.  He calls all of us to die to something, often to things we think we need but that are actually choking the life out of us.  Are you willing to die to whatever God wants you to die to in order to be free? Abundance is more than enough but never excessive.  He has so much in mind for us.  He went first.  He is the Way.  We have to follow Him in death to whatever He calls us to let die.  And sometimes that thing is perfectionism.  Sometimes our perfectionism has to die in order for us to live.  See Philippians 3:10.  What kind of life is going to be pleasing to God?  How can you help the people He loves?  It’s not about being perfect.  It’s about pursuing the Perfect One and the purpose for which He made you. 

How Do I Love Thee? (Replay from 5-21-23)

Cinthia opened today’s episode with a famous sonnet by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, entitled “How Do I Love Thee?”  The poem famously begins, “How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways,” and then beautifully lists a variety of ways the lover in the poem loves the beloved.  Cinthia cited this as a beautiful exploration of the reality that love is acted upon, carried out, expressed in actions and gestures that mean something to the lover and to the beloved.

Have you ever done something meaningful for someone you loved, only to observe that the individual didn’t seem to find it meaningful?  It is very important to know how people want to be loved.  It can be exhausting to give and give but find that the person to whom we are giving is not emotionally nurtured by the things we are giving.  In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman listed five “languages” through which people give and receive love; these were words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts.   Chapman asserted that individuals tend to have preferred ways in which they most like to be shown love, ways that most effectively communicate love to each person.  Cinthia elaborated today on the idea that, while we can all receive love in a variety of ways and may not have only one “love language,” we do have primary preferences in this area, communications of affection that resonate with us more than others, gestures that give us emotional nourishment we can most easily receive.   Recognizing and honoring one another’s love languages streamlines our efforts in relationships, making our attempts to meet one another’s needs more effective and keeping the needs from becoming overwhelming.

Learning to communicate through love languages is a process.  As a loved one, knowing yourself involves knowing what makes you feel loved and owning it.  Adults can accept not having emotional needs met in every situation, but, in close relationships, it is helpful to communicate to other people what will most help us to feel loved. Simultaneously, we must learn the preferences of those we love and be willing to communicate with them in these ways.  Cinthia explains, “When we are loving someone, it is an investigative process… The problem is, I probably need to learn how to love you instead of assuming that the way I love feels good to you.  See, we have this tendency to want to love people the way that we feel love.  But the most loving thing I could do is to love you the way you want to be loved.  This means I may need to do things that aren’t very exciting to me, or fun, or invigorating.  But, if I do them, you feel great.  And, really, maybe that’s the point.”  Are you willing to communicate love to your closest loved ones, even when it feels involves altering some of your habits or behaviors, feeling uncomfortable, or engaging in gestures that are not meaningful to you but mean a lot to the one you love?

There are specific messages we need to receive in order to feel loved.  These include, “I see you,” which we gain from focused attention, presence, fulfillment the basic human need to be seen; “I know you,”  which involves understanding what something might be like for an individual and recognizing how various experiences might be different for one person than for someone else; and, “You’re safe with me,” which requires being able to trust someone with confidences and know that tolerance, forgiveness, acceptance, and desire for growth will be part of the relationship.

Cinthia briefly explored each of the five love languages.  Regarding people whose love language is acts of service, she noted that actions are required to back up words spoken.  For those whose love language is receiving gifts, the focus is not on how expensive the gift is but on the communication that you know what would please that person and have taken effort to do so.  Quality time involves uninterrupted focus, prioritizing your time together, connecting emotionally; while the activity itself is not really the point, planning for and protecting the time together and the focus on each other during that time is important.  Words of affirmation can involve verbal or written communication that says how much the person is loved and should also include why, noting specific traits that are appreciated about the beloved.  Physical touch, for those who most value it, helps them know that you like being with them, being next to them, creating your own space together; it can involve sexual intimacy in romantic relationships but can also involve other forms of touch, such as shaking hands, patting a back, giving a hug, etc.

It comes down to the “do” – How “DO” I love you?  Are you willing to learn, to adapt?  If your beloved values being on time, are you willing to make an effort to be on time for that person?  If someone you love needs help with something, are you willing to help you, even if it involves something that feels like work for you?  How can we give one another concrete experiences of our love, working to make the relationship viable and enduring?  Let me count the ways…

I Really Screwed Up

What do you do with your own moral failures?  Today Cinthia talks about when you know you have gone beyond “nobody’s-perfect-everybody-makes-mistakes” territory and ventured into real harm.  Everyone has been there – those times we shock ourselves and rock our own self-perceptions with the depths of our bad choices.  You may even have experienced remorse so deep that you didn’t want to continue living.  In these states, guilt and shame become like termites in your mind, eating away at your sense of worth, even while another part of your brain is trying to deal with the rest of your day. 

Isaiah 1:18 (NLT) says, “’Come now, let’s settle this,’ says the LORD.  ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow.  Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.’”  This does not imply a casual cover-up, a smoothing-over or minimization of injustice.  This is cosmic -level cleansing, and it is the only kind that can truly settle our debts.  So why is it hard to engage with God over our wrongs, allowing Him to cover them with His blood, and then moving through the comeback process?  Why do we sometimes resist receiving forgiveness from God or others, let alone giving it to ourselves?  And, for others, why is it so much easier to minimize or dismiss what we have done, getting angry at anyone who suggests we should talk about it or deal with it head-on? 

Provers 26:11 (ESV) says, “Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.”  Fools do not learn from their mistakes.  The enemy of our souls wants us to believe that the past is still alive and can still be changed at some level by wallowing, or that it can be escaped; we relive and rehash or resist and deny, trying somehow to take the power and sting out of the memories.  But refusing to forgive ourselves is foolish, just as refusing to acknowledge the depths of our errors means we cannot forgive or heal from what really happened.  Whether we wallow in our mistakes (which is different than facing them) or turn away from acknowledging that we are guilty, these responses increase our chances of repeating them.  We eventually find ourselves repeating similar kinds of harm again, even if it looks different every time, because our lives are dominated by the past folly that has taken over our present. To those who have forgiven us, the past is the past.  But if we have not learned from our errors, healed from them, made amends, resolved them, and moved forward in humility, we are drawn back to the same folly again and again.  Only the most repentant and truly changed are willing to attempt a comeback.  We love a comeback, and God loves a comeback.  But it takes humility.  A fool keeps coming back to the grossest thing that he or she has done, and that thing affects everything else in life until it is faced. 

So what does facing it look like?  Humbly apologize.  Make no excuses.  Accept and validate the effect  your choice has had on others.  This is the hardest and most important thing.  Honoring the impact of your choice on other people, on yourself, and on God is crucial. Make amends where you can for the sake of those you have harmed.  If some will not forgive you, forgive them graciously, and resist being offended because that will keep you stuck in the vomit (see above).  Remember, they didn’t ask for this, and they may not want to move forward with you.  Forgive them, and understand that you put them in this position.  Learn from your mistakes.  The more you can commit to looking at and learning from your mistakes, the more you become a safe person.  Take responsibility for fixing it however you can.

While you are learning from it, though, and are honoring the feelings and needs of those you harmed, you must decide to forgive yourself and receive forgiveness from others where it is offered.  This is hard because it requires accepting the version of ourselves that was able to err like that.  None of us likes to mess up, to shock ourselves.  It takes humility to stop fighting the reality that we did what we did and accept it.  But if we don’t learn to forgive ourselves, we will not be able to forgive others.  Forgiveness goes in more than one direction.  Trying to keep the past alive will eventually cause you to repeat it.  Others will end up in a position to have to repair your ego.  You will cripple their ability to move forward with you because they will have to decide to stay with you in your past or leave you in your past in order to move into their future.

Bury what is dead once you learn from it.  Don’t disrespect the future by lamenting the past.  Do not let the past hold you back from participating in the present. Don’t be the adult whose ego is so fragile that you cannot get over yourself.  Understand that God got over your sin before you were born.  He saw it a long time ago, and He has already died for it.  He came back from the dead, and He has the power to help you come back from this.  He wants to help you learn and take you forward.  Only the strong can say, “I did that.  I can explain it, but I cannot excuse it.  I will learn from it and never do it again.” 

We all have a past. We all have a future.  Making peace with it can make it easier for others.  Nobody can mess up in exactly the same way as you, but nobody can make the same comeback, either.  God has already put love, peace, forgiveness – everything you need to move forward – into the heavenly bank accounts for you.  Don’t neglect it.  Don’t waste all your time and energy hiding what you did and letting shame affect your reasoning; that is NOT what it means to take responsibility.

Ecclesiastes 4:10 says to pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.  You can keep yourself in the same position by refusing to let others help you, forgive you, give you mercy, and move forward.  Accept help.  Arrogance can keep you on the ground, locked inside yourself.  Keeping shameful secrets is not ultimately useful (Luke 8:17). 

If you have never struggled with any of this, be sure to check yourself – Do you have a moral code?  Are you aware when you are off-track?  Do you have people who will tell you, or do you feel entitled not to care or take responsibility?  Do you lower the expectations, trying to protect yourself from hurt? 

Ecclesiastes says that there is nothing new under the sun.  Mistakes are not original.  How you recover, learn, and use it well can be original.  This is a process and is not comfortable.  But people are often far more willing to forgive you than you are to forgive yourself.  And, if you are willing to fix what you have done, you often gain respect in the process.   So be your own hero.  Surprise yourself in a good way.  Humble yourself and ask for forgiveness.  Be the person people admire because you take responsibility for your failings. 

Emotional Baggage

What is emotional baggage, and how does it affect our relationships?  Emotional baggage is the remaining residue of trauma on our lives, whether from traumatic events (e.g., physical assault) or in a broader sense (e.g., relational trauma).  It can become an ongoing part of what we carry with us into new relationships.  We unwittingly take it into new relationships and begin to recreate or re-experience the same thing again and again, reinforcing the trauma-based beliefs we have formed in our thinking, causing them to grow and self-justify.  Think of Linus’s blanket in the Peanuts cartoons.  What are you dragging with you into your new relationships?

Emotional baggage does not define you.  Trauma does not define you.  Just as having a sleeping bag placed on top of you does not make you a sleeping bag, having traumatic baggage placed on you does not redefine you as the baggage itself.  This means (among other things) that you can make choices that impact how much power your emotional baggage has as your life continues.  Toward this end, Cinthia offers a checklist of questions to consider when entering a new relationship:

1. Am I willing to take time to heal (e.g., feel the difficult feelings, process them, etc.), or am I hoping this relationship will be the healing element? (The latter is dangerous.)
2. Am I learning to listen to my gut, or am I listening to the woundedness?
3. Have I felt what I am feeling before this? What is being triggered here?
4. Am I putting on a persona with this person, or am I acting like myself?
5. Have I forgiven myself and my exes for what happened in past relationships, or am I carrying some of it with me?
6. Am I facing/exploring patterns in my own life and getting to know myself honestly?
7. Am I willing to courageously change the things that need to be changed, or am I hoping the relationships will change them for me?
8. Would I want to be with me? Do I like spending time with myself?  If not, what do I need to change or accept so that I can present myself honestly with another person and not inflict something on them that I would not want inflicted on me?
9. What do I do when I am being triggered? When do I get triggered, and what triggers me?
10. What will I do if I encounter a concerning situation with this person? What are my options?  (Learn to ask yourself, “Does that baggage actually belong to me?”  Another person’s behavior may not be about you, and you need to know where you end and they begin.  Cinthia emphasized that it is ok to leave a date early, and you can even be gracious about it.  You do not have to lie or agree to see him/her again.  Learn to utilize self-talk, grounding, breathing, relaxing, identifying your choices, slowing things down -- Stay with yourself.  Own your choices and options, and recognize that theirs are not yours.  Practice learning to say, “I don’t think we are a match,” “I need to leave now,” etc.) 

Recognizing baggage is the first step to overcoming it.  Here are some tips for doing so: 

First, acknowledge the emotion.  Are you feeling sad, mad, glad, or scared?  If you are confused, you may be feeling a mix of these.  Identify the feelings, and do not blame yourself for feeling them.  Learn to say, “I am feeling this.  What is triggering it?”  Then ask yourself whether there is any true information in the feeling.  Feelings are very real but do not always come with true thoughts and information.  Allow yourself to feel the emotion without necessarily believing everything it tells you.

Second, face the feelings.  Maya Angelou said, “History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived but, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.”  Will you choose courage to face your fears, mistakes, and hurts, to take the journey you need to take? 

This process can be like an archaeological dig, per Laurie Allender, LCSW, and her partner Bob Hollender.  First, unearth things intentionally and conscientiously.  Go back and look at them.  To “understand” is to stand under something and look at it, to observe what you can learn from it.  Then unravel them.  Look without judgement at how the things influence you.  Unlock things.  Share your story with people who are safe and trustworthy.  Learn to forgive.  Take responsibility for yourself and your part.  Recognize what you resent, what generalizations you have made.  This is not about blaming yourself, but about empowering yourself to have more control in the future.  Forgive your ex and yourself; for some, one of these may be easier than the other.  Turn problems into solutions.  Turn the focus away from what you did and toward what you want for the future.  Let go of the old, and allow for the new.  Look for evidence that it can be different in the new relationship, etc.  You can contribute to what is being created now. 

Humans were made to be with one another.  You were made to be loved.  Deal with your baggage so it does not dictate the story of your current or future relationships.