Conversations with Cinthia

You Always Have a Choice

Do you acknowledge the choices you have?  You may not always have the choices that you wish you had, but you always have a choice.  Today Cinthia discussed what it means to take ownership of your life and the choices you have.  Acknowledging your own choices means giving up the option to blame others for the entire direction of your life (although it does not mean accepting blame for things that were not your fault -- In fact, sometimes one of the choices you have is whether to accept and affirm that someone else’s choice was not your fault, however deeply it may have impacted you.).  Even people in very tragic situations (e.g., POWs) have choices within their situations, though those choices may be more limited.  Victor Frankl wrote about his experiences in German concentration camps; he observed that prisoners who chose to accept their situations but also find meaning in their suffering were more likely to survive the experience.  They chose not to accept full victimhood by owning the choices that were theirs; they did not fully surrender their internal freedoms, even when their outward freedoms were horribly taken away and their mental states were affected.

When you choose to abdicate your own choices to others, this is also a choice.  For example, do you abdicate your mood to others, to society, etc.?  Think of all the choices you have in one day.  How many do you abdicate?

Cinthia discussed the “Wise Choice Process” which involves using a template for the decision-making process.  What is your decision-making process?  How do you choose?  One example has the following steps, which Cinthia illustrated with an example from her own life (i.e., deciding what to do about her anorexia when she was younger):

1. Define the problem. (This step impacts all the others.  It includes owning the problem and can sometimes be very uncomfortable. It requires acknowledging reality honestly, as well as separating the symptom from the underlying problem.  For example, Cinthia had to recognize that she needed to gain weight in order to stay alive and become healthy.  She also had to recognize that this was problem was actually a symptom of a much deeper problem, which was the hostile relationship she had with herself.  She did not feel good about herself and was very angry at her own body.  She was using food/weight loss to try to mimic feelings of self-worth, gain a sense of power over her own life, get accolades from some others, and manage family dynamics.)
2. Identify limiting factors. (For Cinthia, these include her intense fear of gaining weight, the impossibility of being objective about her own body at that time, difficulty trusting others to help her, not liking various aspects of reality and wanting to create her own, reliance on anorexia nervosa as a kind of empowering friend, enjoyment of the positive social rewards she got from continued weight loss, her own self-talk, aversion to eating around others, etc.; on the other hand, the possibility of death from anorexia represented a much more permanent limitation, one she would encounter if she did not overcome the other limitations.)
3. Develop potential alternatives. (This can involve brainstorming and may sometimes involve others. The proposed solutions may not be perfect but have some kind of potential to move you toward health, though it must also be acknowledge that quick solutions may not ultimately solve the real problem.  The discussion must focus on potential solutions to the specific problem, the real problem as identified in step 1.  For Cinthia, options included trying to fix the problem on her own, beginning to eat with trusted others, and going into treatment.)
4. Analyze the alternatives. (This may involve getting more information about costs and benefits. It is also a good time to notice any resistance within yourself and what this may tell you about your attachment to the problem; as much as you may hate the problem, it may also be providing you with some benefit or meeting some underlying need that will need to be met in other ways if you make steps toward solving the problem.)
5. Select the best alternative. (Again, you may not have a perfect alternative and may have to decide among imperfect options.)
6. Implement the decision.

 

Cinthia discussed Adam and Eve as the human beings to make choices.  God gave them choices, allowing them free will.  Adam knew what he was doing even though he could not fully comprehend the outcome.  But God also made choices in response to their choices.  As Cinthia says, “We fell to hell, and God stopped the drop.”  He could have let it go, leaving us to our own destruction, but He did not.  Meanwhile, Adam’s sin brought fear, the first negative feeling.  We were not originally designed for negative feelings.  God also experienced negative feelings in response to our choices, but He was willing to accept different feelings to be in relationship with us, much like parents are willing to feel feelings to have their children and be in relationship with them.  Adam’s choice brought knowledge.  Knowledge is what brings fear and shame.  However, God continued to offer them the opportunity to make good choices with their knowledge.  Consider Deuteronomy 30:15-20.  He offers us life and death.  Sometimes our choices do not lead to immediate physical death but to the death of other things, like the dreams God has for us.  We need to repent when we choose death, taking responsibility for our choices and turning instead to God.  We can use our free will to submit our self-will to God’s will so that He can undo the damage of our sin.  Consider also Ephesians 4:21-24.

 

Another decision-making model involves the following questions:

1. What is my present situation? (What is and is not working? Am I ok with it?  We need to be truthful with ourselves.  Go for objectivity here.  Get feedback as necessary.  Consider dreams, hopes, necessities, experiments, absolutes, etc.)
2. What would I like my situation to be? (What would be the perfect scenario?  It’s ok to fantasize at this point. This is not a guaranteed outcome; it is a direction for your brain.)
3. What choices/options do I have?
4. What is the likely outcome of each option that I have? (You may need to get more information to answer this question.)
5. Which choice(s) will I commit to doing? (Do not pick them all at once.  Limit the initial choices, but give them your all.  Remember that not all choices are mutually exclusive, but some are.)

You can use your choices to pursue the dreams God has for you, the purposes for which He made you.  Sometimes our mistakes are just as valuable as our good decisions if they help us make better choices in the future.  You always have a choice and, therefore, have a lot more power than you may give yourself credit for.  Nobody really wants to change.  Actually doing it, however imperfectly, is something to be proud of.  It is owning your own life, and your life is a gift.

Women In Business: An Interview with Aaron Knipp and Lenna Murray

Today Cinthia spent the first two segments with guest Aaron Knipp of Cicospace (cicospace.com), whom long-time listeners will recognize from previous shows.  The two discussed some recent changes in the business world that have implications for women.  The business world has shifted from its traditional emphasis on authority, competition, strength, and expertise to a more relational approach in which authenticity, making connections, storytelling, and developing genuine relationships is expected.  This tends to work well for women, who tend to be more relational and adaptive.  This does not negate the value of traditional male characteristics or approaches but does mean that women may have a special “time to shine” in the business world right now. 

Cinthia encouraged women to pay attention to the way they come across to men in the business world so that they can implement their assertiveness in ways that communicate courtesy to men as well as women.  For example, she explained that raising the eyebrows and phrasing a sales pitch in terms of confidence that the listener will be excited about it can communicate confidence without undue aggression or “sinister” intent.  Aaron noted that men must be polite, as well, but Cinthia explained that men may react differently to a sense of threat or rudeness from women than they do from men, making it wiser to communicate in ways that clarify intent.  Women also have to learn to be careful about showing insecurities or giving away too much too soon or being too willing to morph for someone else’s idea.  Polite ways to shut down a potential business connection, noting that it is unlikely to be a good fit and would be a waste of time for both sides, were discussed. 

Women often do not realize they are frequently put in a one-down position BECAUSE they are powerful.  They do not realize how men really see them because they see themselves so differently than men do.  Cinthia recommended leading with politeness.  Women can stop being nice if they need to do so, but they can start friendly and reduce the sense of threat men may have.  Really, everyone should do this; everyone should be polite.  But women especially need to be polite when confronting because men will determine to win, and it’s not good for either of them. 

In the third segment, Lenna Murray joined Cinthia to discuss her business, an intravenous vitamin therapy bar franchise called The Drip Bar in Scottsdale, AZ (480-550-8369).  She discussed learning about the benefits of this technique when loved ones recovered from serious health problems with the help of intravenous vitamin therapies.  She and Cinthia discussed the importance of taking care of one’s health and the responsibility to treat our bodies well in a variety of ways instead of using “quick fix” approaches that can be detrimental. 

Journey to Fulfill Your Destiny: An Interview with Antoine Andrews

Today Cinthia interviews Antoine Anderson, a church planter (2ten.church in southern Phoenix), men’s life coach, husband, father, and author of the book Journey to Fulfill Your Destiny (https://www.amazon.com/s?k=journey+to+fulfill+your+destiny&crid=38ZS5AS1HXZZD&sprefix=journey+to+fulfill+your+destiny%2Caps%2C93&ref=nb_sb_noss).  In this new book, Antoine explores the life of Joseph and what men today can learn from it.  Cinthia expressed happiness that the book is releasing at such a time, noting that men are often given very mixed and degrading messages in our culture; they are still expected to show up and perform but are often unsure what they are supposed to do.  Antoine and Cinthia discussed ways men are often misunderstood in our society; for example, many women do not realize that men tend to want to please, that they appreciate coaching when they have confidence in the coach, and that men, as protectors, tend to pull information to assess risk from details that women may not realize mean anything to them.  Antoine pointed out that, underneath the confusion, men have a desire for purpose and a longing to provide and protect.  Cinthia noted that some women in our culture experience difficulty trusting and receiving from men for a variety of reasons and that this is part of a confusing cycle for men, one that includes shame, repressed anger, and negative repercussions.  Women are being encouraged to compete with men at every turn, but good men tend not to want to compete seriously with women.  This leads to a sense of being unable to engage and succeed.

Antoine discussed concepts from his book that may be helpful to men in dealing with all this.  He emphasized the importance of embracing and accepting the Heavenly Father’s gifts as Joseph did with his father Jacob’s gift; this is foundational to the confidence men need.  Antoine’s mother’s regular assertions that God had a calling on his life helped him to have this sense of this early in life while his wife’s edifying words help him with it now, and Cinthia noted that women have tremendous power to encourage men in their efforts and callings (“They live for the points,” she says.).  Just as women have often been stereotyped, men are now stereotyped negatively and placed under multiple and contradictory expectations (e.g., women expecting them to be protective and lead but then getting offended when they try to do this).  Cinthia encourages women to be willing to learn how to appreciate and support good men since good men typically want to support them well; she encourages all of us to learn to use deep breathing to relax our bodies so we can participate in the “reset” of our perspectives instead of “going out locked and loaded.”  Antoine encouraged resetting by using biblical self-affirmations so that we go to the Source of our identity, embracing His gifts and callings rather than the opinions of others.  His book even has prayers at the end of each chapter that men can use to engage with God and learn who they are.  He emphasized having a relationship with God first (“Really start leaning into your relationship with the Father.”) but also encouraged connecting with a group of men, a pastor, or some kind of mentor.  When mentally weighed down, Antoine encouraged men to spend time reading the Bible – a way of “putting good fuel” into the system – and praying in a way that involves both talking and listening to God as we do in conversation with others.  Even if one does not understand all the words in the Bible, it is powerful because it is from God; it requires time to get to know (as does a new cellphone).  Finding a translation one understands is important, then reading it, begins a process of transformation.  Connecting with Jesus leads to discovery that He is exactly what men need (and women, too, but that is another conversation), though it will take eternity to get to know Him more fully. 

Antoine emphasizes in closing that God created you on purpose and put you in this generation on purpose.  He has put something into you that we need right now in this generation.  Get to know the love of God.  We are His masterpieces, created anew in Christ Jesus to do the works that He prepared for us long ago (Ephesians 2:10, NLT).  He has put gifts inside of you and wants to send those gifts to the world.

Let Them Love You (8-13-23)

Do you reject compliments, explaining why you don’t really deserve them?  Do you get nervous when someone does something nice for you, turn down offers of help even when you could really use them, or hate the feeling you get when someone forgives you or extends grace and kindness your way?  Today’s show is on letting other people love you.

It can be scary and humbling to let someone love you and give you grace.  The enemy (i.e., Satan) will try to exploit this by encouraging you to think that you are in a one-down position.  Sometimes it is easier to accept good things from a stranger because we do not worry there will be an ongoing obligation in the relationship.  But grace, kindness, forgiveness, and help are meant to be gifts of honor.  Do not insult the person trying to honor you by rejecting that honor. 

So how do we honor the gifts of love others give us?  Well, if we are gifted forgiveness, grace, and covering, change is the best response.  Grace helps us have energy to get up again and do it right, to fix what we have broken, to undo what we have done.  Allow people to love you when you mess up.  Love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8).  Covering often sounds negative to us because we confuse it with toxic secrecy or enabling.  The kind of covering that God does for us, however, is not like this; it is a gift of grace meant to protect us while we are working on repentance and change.  Think of covering wounds while they heal; we do not just bleed all over the house and allow the wounds to be open and exposed to further harm.  We cover wounds appropriately to help them heal.  Covering or hiding as a gift of grace means that those who love us choose not to expose our ugliness while we work on repentance and change, knowing that change takes time.  God gives more because He has endurance people do not.  Covering is not permission to keep deepening the wound; covering is beautiful.

If we are given courtesy or help, we can offer a sincere thank-you.  Do not insult the person offering good because you are uncomfortable.  Give courtesy and graciousness in exchange.  Accept the gesture and be grateful for the thought.  Good boundaries will help with this; do not try to read the person’s mind or assume their expectations without knowing them.  If there is a motive, you are not obligated to recognize it unless they tell you.  Unless you have real reason to believe they want something in return (e.g., the person has a history of trying to put you in his/her debt, or there are clear signs of a scam in play), then you cannot read minds to figure it out.  You can, however, be nice.  You can be polite, gracious, forgiving.  “Our Father is kind; you be kind [Luke 6:36, The Message version].”  Cinthia continues, “Kindness supports peace, and peace loves to linger.  See, peace is a quality that expands.  Kindness is a quality that is catching.  God is a God of peace.  He’s always going to war with the people that are harming us.  And there needs to be that protection, and He’s able to restore and protect and to save those that are oppressed, harmed, wounded, injured.”  So be gracious in your responses to others, and do not allow suspicion to steal the joy of the gift.  If you find later that someone had ulterior motives (e.g., wanted something in return), you can say “no” then.  You can say, “I wish you would have told me you were needing/wanting something in return.  What can I do?”  And if you cannot do what they want, you can tell the person that you will not be able to accept help from him/her in the future.

Cinthia discussed I Corinthians 13 and encouraged little ways to give kindness and spread mercy and truth.  She also encouraged self-forgiveness, explaining, “The only reason for having baggage is not having attended to it; move on,” and, “You’re going to be able to love deeply if you also forgive yourself.”

Finally, Cinthia discussed Attachment Theory, which therapists use to discuss how humans attach, and how the motives behind a tendency to reject love often have to do with fear.  She discussed the messages people with avoidant or ambivalent attachment styles can send others, such as, “Come here; go away,” and, “I could take or leave you.”  She discussed both fear of rejection and fear of acceptance, explaining that God has made humans to need connection and that our defensive structures try to protect us from the pain of not being connected, as well as the pain of being connected, which is also threatening.  Our defensive structures protect us too well; our radars give us false readings.  We try to protect ourselves from harm, but we protect ourselves from what we need.  There are scary implications for acceptance – fear of relationship, commitment, being loved or wanted, fear of the future, coming to depend on someone and then getting rejected, etc. – But the attempt to avoid this pain and loneliness tend to encourage a constant level of pain and loneliness.  Are you ambivalent about relationships?  Some part of you really wants connection, but it really frightens another part of you. 

Cinthia recalled the “False Evidence Appearing Real” definition of fear and encouraged identifying the core beliefs behind our fears of accepting good from other people.  For example, one might say to himself, “I’m not a good risk.  I’m not going to do this -- all I’ll get is let down.  I’m just going to keep working on myself by myself until I feel confident enough to put myself out there.” Cinthia recalled struggling with her own core beliefs about herself and realizing that part of acceptance was accepting herself.  She explained that God finally said to her, “Cinthia, I didn’t consult you when I created you.  I made you for me.  I’m happy with you.  I like the way I made you.  I’m excited to spend eternity with you, Cinthia.  So you can either get on the same page as me, or you can be miserable until you come home.”  This led her to work on accepting the things she could not control, picking battles differently, getting stuck on fewer things, letting things go, etc.

We need to know the God Who loves us and to begin to accept ourselves.  The more I accept myself, the safer I am to other people.  The fears of acceptance and rejection never go away until heaven, so we need to let people love us.

I Want to Know What Love Is (8-6-23)

Remember that song “I Want to Know What Love Is” by the band Foreigner?  Today Cinthia discusses the lyrics of that song and the deep human longing it captures.  Love is foundational to human beings because God, Who is Love itself, made us in love.  The Bible even says that “love never fails” (I Corinthians 13:8).  Many people, however, think love has failed them because they have experienced the failure of human beings to love well.  And, as bands like Nazareth have sun in the Boudleaux Bryant classics by the same name, “love hurts.”  Many people have been hurt so deeply that they now mistrust love or castigate themselves for trying again and again to make love work.  Today Cinthia looks at some concepts we must understand about love, starting with the need to recognize God as the Source of real love and as its only perfect Example.  We often learn things about love that turn out not to be true, and we may think we have found love, only to realize that what we found was not love at all.  So how do we recognize the real thing?

True love does not always feel good.  We often confuse real, healthy, corrective, painful love with abuse because we do not expect love to ever cause negative feelings.  Meanwhile, we interpret experiences that are intense and pleasurable as true love when they may, in fact, not be that at all.  As we become “healthier and more truth-based,” says Cinthia, we become more able to recognize that the thing that makes us feel best in the short-run is not always love.  It is important to recognize, however, that the hurt of true love always produces fruit and growth if we allow it to do so, while hurt that comes from selfishness, dysfunction, foolishness, and narcissism (even when those things masquerade as love) only injures and harms.  It is true that we can choose to gain even from the wounds that did not come from true love, or we can get hurt and then get harder and harder.  Faced with the legitimate hurt of true love and the corrupt injuries of imperfect love, however, many of us want to flee love altogether.  Cinthia explains, though, that “anything that’s of value is going to have a deep effect on you, on the people around you and the ones that you love.  And there is no way to only have a Valentines love.  It’s immature.  It’s stunted in many ways.  So we want to make sure that we’re recognizing that love is very powerful -- in good ways and also in negative ways.”

The fact is that human beings need love.  While we may benefit from recognizing destructive patterns in our search for love, we are not “stupid” for continuing to try to find love after being hurt.  Humans are made in the image of God, and He always keeps trying.  He is determined to love, and so humans also keep trying.  Cinthia notes, however, that the abovementioned Foreigner song mentions the need to “take a little time” after being hurt in order to heal before trying again too quickly.  She states that this is good and important advice.  She also recommends we try to understand love a little more before we go back out to look for it, saying to God with the lyrics of the song, “I want to know what love is.  I want You to show me.”  God is the One Who most intimately knows what love is because He is Love.  The abovementioned song “Love Hurts” seems to mirror the experience of Jesus in coming to earth, witnessing the tragic state of His own creation all around us, and finally allowing us to kill Him.  He knew, accepted, and experienced that “love hurts, love scars, love wounds and marks.”  He died under the disconnection from others and from self that sin creates, experiencing separation from the Father within His Triune Self because He took our sin on Himself.  His heart was tough enough to experience that pain and remain tender. 

Exploring popular songs (especially from the 80’s because, well, this is Cinthia’s show we’re talking about) and ideas from romance novels, Cinthia noted that the most enduring and popular themes reflect the love of Jesus.  In these stories, the Hero sees, rescues, and even dies for the beloved, finally taking her to a place of perfection to live without pain.  What seems unrealistic about these stories when we assume them to be about human relationships makes more sense when we see them reflecting our underlying longings for God.  True love does exist.  True love’s pain is not in vain, but for gain. 

Cinthia also discussed references to love in the Bible (I Corinthians 13, Romans 12, and about 550+ other appearances of the word, though that number varies by translation) and the advice of Shakespeare from All’s Well That Ends Well, Act 1, Scene 1: “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” She advocated trusting  God implicitly because He is perfect but not trusting humans implicitly since doing so can increase our chances of serious and repetitive harm.  This does not, however, mean that we never trust anyone at all besides God.  Instead, we look for trustworthy people.  Trustworthy people are not perfect but do care about their mistakes, grieve when they hurt someone else, and try their best to make things right.  These people, while mistake-making, are not the same kind of dangerous as people who are not trustworthy.  Cinthia encouraged appropriate expectations instead of relational idealism or a refusal to ever trust anyone.  Cinthia recommends that we not blame love for the failures of humans.  Love is a quality, and people exhibit qualities in varying degrees and ways.  Cinthia also considered the question, “What is not love?”  Some so-called “love” is more hurtful than helpful.  Love is not apathy, constant indulgence, passivity, reckless freedom that leads to bondage, enabling, dishonesty, shaming, blaming, guilting, controlling, telling your secrets/“outing” you in front of people, shaming you in public, or chaotic inconsistency.

There are elements of love that are undefinable, and Cinthia suggests that this is related to our uniqueness.  We are so different from one another that we do not easily fit with one another.  But God “gets” all of us.  He made you for Himself.  He knows you.  He likes you.  We need to be seen and to be loved and liked at the same time, and only God can fully meet that need.

God created us in love.  Relax your body.  Loving can be a dangerous endeavor, but it’s so worthwhile.

Recovering Your Life After A Toxic Relationship

Following last week’s show about shame, Cinthia talked today about a life circumstance that can cause a significant amount of shame: being or having been in a toxic relationship.  People are imperfect, so our relationships are bound to be the same.  Some relationships, however, are more than imperfect – they are dangerous to your physical and/or emotional health.  Toxic relationships are often difficult to recognize at first, but, like other kinds of toxicity, they can wear away at us, making us progressively more stressed, isolated, confused, afraid, and angry.  Toxic relationships tear constantly at self-esteem and can involve abuse, gaslighting/narcissism, and exhaustion from constantly trying to avoid another person’s negative reactions.  Toxic relationships can actually harm your physical health because they cause chronic stress, which can cause long-term activation of the brain’s CTRA, contributing to chronic inflammation and potentially leading to health problems like adrenal fatigue.  Toxic relationships have been shown to correlate with increases in specific health problems.  Other good relationships in your life can help mitigate those risks somewhat, but that does not mean the negative relationship is not still affecting you.  People who have experienced significant abuse may have a particularly hard time acknowledging what happened or is happening because they do not want to feel weaker than they already do.

So how do you know you are in a toxic relationship?  Look at what has changed since you entered the relationship.  Toxic relationships produce shame, and the evidence of shame includes losing your zest for life, feeling confused a lot of the time, no longer trusting yourself, fearing vulnerability, being extremely angry, and fearing that people will hear things about you and believe the other person instead of you.  (It is possible to experience some of these symptoms from other causes.  For example, if you have experienced another trauma recently or have struggled with these same symptoms throughout your life, the relationship may not be primarily to blame.)  Consider whether, when you are with the person or when you have been around them, you experience any of the following more than half the time: feeling physically or emotionally drained of energy; feeling bad about yourself; sensing that you are always giving and never receiving from the person; a sense of being shunned or feeling like an unaccepted outsider; isolation from friends, family, and others who support you, particularly because the other person discourages or forbids your interactions with them; fear and a sense of “walking on eggshells” to try to keep the other person from getting upset; a sense of being emotionally or physically unsafe or having been injured by the person.  (If you have been injured by the person, this is very, very significant and should not be ignored.)

So what can you do when you find that you are in a toxic relationship?  You have four options.  First, you can accept it and be at peace with it as it is.  This reduces the stress of trying to change it or evaluate it.  This approach can be helpful in relationships where intimacy is not a goal (e.g., some relatives or friends) and you are not in danger.  Secondly, you can try to change the relationship by setting boundaries, recognizing that you cannot make anyone change except yourself.  The level of toxicity in the relationship will largely determine whether these boundaries are respected, and, if they are constantly broken after being communicated, you know that you are in a very toxic situation.  If you are in a situation where setting any kind of boundary with the other person is actually dangerous, recognize that this is a significant red flag.  Thirdly, you can leave the relationship.  Recognize that you cannot control anyone but yourself, that no amount of boundaries or acceptance can “fix” the other person or make him/her love you and treat you well.  You may decide that you are unwilling to continue the pattern.  If you find that you are willing to tolerate very toxic patterns on an ongoing basis, at some point you may need to see a therapist to help you figure out why this is the case.  The fourth option is to continue things as they are but without coming to peace – in other words, just keep feeling miserable.  While there are lots of reasons people may choose to stay in troubled relationships and it can be dangerous to judge others for doing so since there can be lots of factors others do not understand, Cinthia strongly discouraged simply staying miserable and encouraged looking back at the first three options to see if one might be worth pursuing.

So how do you recover your life after having been in a toxic relationship?  First, resist the shame.  You must believe that you did not deserve the treatment you received.  No one deserves to be abused.  It is normal after such a relationship to think that there must be something you did to cause it and make it all go wrong, something you may be able to fix about yourself that made the person treat you abusively.  But this is not the case, and you must reinforce this to your own brain again and again.  Abusive relationships that are not physically abusive can involve especially difficult recovery because this kind of abuser chooses relational partners who are willing to take feedback, which leads the partner to consider everything the abusers says and think that maybe the abuser is right (e.g., that the partner is the problem, etc.).

Second, you must validate having been in a toxic relationship.  Nobody wants to admit having been in a toxic relationship; we may think it shameful that we got into the relationship, stayed in the relationship, or somehow (we think) caused the person to become abusive toward us.  Remind yourself that humans naturally want relationships, give people chances, and want to succeed with them.  Toxic relationships are very stealthy; as with arsenic poisoning, you may get gradually sicker without knowing why, not suspecting that the relationship is so unhealthy until you are very hurt.

Third, resist the urge to try to figure out why you were treated the way you were treated.  It is normal to want to figure it out, think the shame away, and make sure that it will never happen again.  But even helping professionals are unable to diagnose those who are close to them, like friends and family.  Furthermore, you may have trouble understanding the way a toxic person thinks because you do not think that way, and that is a good thing.  Do not try to figure out why the person did what he or she did.  You will never have enough information to make it stop hurting with logic. 

Fourth, be careful about judging either yourself or the other person who was involved in the relationship.  Allow yourself to be appalled at his or her behavior, but do not go down to his or her level.  Don’t own it; don’t wear it.  Do not make excuses for the other person, but do not curse them, either—it does not help the pain but does make you more like the offender.  Do not fall into the trap of thinking you have to destroy the other person’s reputation to justify yourself.  You do not have to justify yourself; besides, your family and friends may already know more than you think since they have been watching the relationship, perhaps without knowing how to help.  Also, be careful about interactions with your ex.  The less you press a toxic offender, the better; the offender will only use your words and decisions against you and make you look bad, no matter what you do.  Be careful, too, about trying to help malevolent people; they will go lower than you expect. 

Fifth, integrate detox practices to help detoxify your own psyche.  These can include trauma therapy, talking to God about your feelings, reading His Word, and reminding yourself that Jesus died for you, an immense indicator of your own worth.  Understand that some of this is a spiritual issue.  This level of rejection and ostracism do not come from heaven but from hell.  Humans are valuable, no matter how bad they are.  Feeling worthless is not from God or from other healthy humans.  Making mistakes is not necessarily toxic.  We are imperfect and can be chaotic.  Toxicity takes away energy.  Toxic relationships are shaming, giving the message that you are a bad person rather than that you have simply done bad things.  Choose not to wear the shame.  A toxic person can make the same mistakes as a healthier person, but the toxic person does not take responsibility and actually feels empowered by harming others.  He or she is hard to confront because he or she is so adept at tearing down those who confront them.  Do not make excuses for this.  Deal with yourself first by working on mindfulness.  Talk to God about your fears, sense of being trapped, worries that you are just over-sensitive, etc.  Care for yourself, and recognize that you belong to God.  God wants you to care for the one He loves – you.  Become more present.  Practice not rehashing everything in your mind all the time.  Learn perspective about your own actions so the person cannot make you afraid by reminding you of your mistakes, as if you are going to “get in trouble.”  Consider therapy and/or other helpful relationships.  Practice setting appropriate boundaries.  Seek out healthy people, and build friendships with them; your health depends on it. 

If you are being toxic, get help.  This is not the person God has called you to be.

Shame

Did you know there is a healthy type of shame?  We are so used to talking about the toxic kind that we often forget it has a more helpful counterpart.  Shame is a spiritual crisis because it interacts with identity, but not all shame interacts with it in the same way.  Today Cinthia explores the many facets of shame and discusses some strategies that do and do not work for combating the ravages of unhealthy shame. 

Healthy shame is simply an indicator, somewhat like a warning light. It is the concept of needing to maintain appropriate covering, which gives privacy and dignity (as opposed to the fear-based secrecy dictated by unhealthy shame).  Healthy shame tells us we are near a boundary and warns us not to cross it, or to fix what we have broken and seek forgiveness for wrong done.  Healthy shame tells us that some choices do not align with what we were meant to be and that these attitudes and actions do not make us the best versions of ourselves, the versions intended by our Creator when He designed each of us.  Healthy shame helps us to honor one another.  It is what keeps us from going to work naked or engaging in socially-inappropriate hygiene-related practices in the middle of a business meeting.  Having this ability to feel appropriate shame is actually a good thing.  It means our consciences are functioning and that we can use them to help us interact with others in ways that are not dangerous or dishonoring.  Healthy shame helps us to adjust to one another in a positive way, to not use our rights as an excuse to do whatever we want so that we harm and needlessly offend one another.  It tells us which choices undermine our own dignity and the dignity of others.

Unhealthy shame, however, shapes our sense of who we are.  Instead of telling us that some choices are at odds with the identities we were given by God, unhealthy shame becomes the identity.  It drives us to work harder and harder to attain value or tempts us to give up hope of ever achieving worth.  While morality says, “I did a bad thing,” shame says, “I am a bad person.”  Some people are “shame-based,” or so full of unhealthy shame that it determines their perception of reality and almost constantly influences their decisions and relationships; this usually results from some kind of emotional and/or physical abandonment (including self-abandonment).  Adam and Eve experienced this as soon as they betrayed themselves by believing Satan’s lies and crossing the boundary God had set for them; they immediately felt exposed, hid, and tried to cover themselves as best they knew how.  Shame separated them (as it does us) from God, from themselves, and from each other (Genesis 2-3).  When we believe the messages of unhealthy shame, shame, like a magnet, starts to pull in proofs of its own appropriateness -- reasons we must deserve shame.  Under shame, we tend to cling to other things to make ourselves feel better.  Shame isolates us and steals our sense of meaning and purpose.  It causes us to be obsessed with our own goodness or badness.  It keeps us in bondage, especially the bondage of fear.  Shame exacerbates… well, everything. 

As adults, we do not have to believe all the messages shame gives us.  We can learn to distinguish between the indicator that is healthy shame and the defining taskmaster that is unhealthy shame.  Adults are responsible for parenting their own inner children and using self-talk that does not self-shame.  We can choose to trust what we know to be true.  Proverbs 14:12 indicates that a way can seem right to us but actually lead to death.  Inappropriate shame is like this.  We must recognize it and refuse to agree with it.  We must be willing to respond to shame but not believe everything it says. 

We must also recognize the dangers of ineffective anecdotes to shame.  One of these is shamelessness, which is actually the flip side of shame and, as such, is also a spiritual crisis.  Shamelessness is an understandable but ineffective reaction to the shame and guilt we feel about our fallen condition.  On the surface, it seems to counter legalism and protect us from the pain of self-recrimination.  Ultimately, however, shame fails to combat our fears or calm our sympathetic nervous systems, which are activated when we are disturbed by shame.  Shamelessness counterfeits freedom by trying to destroy the standard, but in truth it integrates shame into our lives at a deeper level.  Because human beings do have a sense of right and wrong, we cannot ultimately ignore the standards we associate with our feelings of shame.  Searing our consciences can give us a short-term sense of liberation, but in the long-run it tends to exacerbate our fears and make our personalities even more shame-based.  In this condition, we experience another form of bondage and create shame in others by exposing them to shameful behavior.  Because we do not truly respect ourselves, we try to self-comfort with pride and a sense of entitlement.  Then, says Cinthia, “[w]hen pride is paradoxically paired with a low sense of self-worth, it becomes vain, it becomes proud and self-serving.  The opposite is seen in Christ’s life.”  He was appropriately proud of Who He was, and His sense of identity could not be shaken, even by the humiliation to which He was subjected.  Because of this, He is now able to offer us release from all condemnation (Romans 4:7; 8:1).  He took our shame without losing His own knowledge of Who He really was (and is), making it possible for us to experience actual freedom from shame without becoming shameless.

Have you integrated shame so that you think you are always bad or seared your conscience to think you are always good?  Are you integrating shame or coming against it?  What is it telling you?  On what is your identity based?  Take your shame to God.  Talk to Him about it.  Ask Him for help.  Our Judge is our Savior, and the One Who both created us in love and then took our shame on Himself is the One Who defines us. 

Helping the Ones You Love

For every person in the world diagnosed with an addiction or mental disorder, there is at least one other person trying to help someone in this condition.  Families are deeply impacted, and these situations can be ripe for misunderstanding, misinformation, and stigma.  Today Cinthia explores how to love well when a loved one struggles with a mental illness or addiction.  She began at the beginning of Luke 10 and explored issues related to boundaries and codependency in several passages leading up to the parable of the Good Samaritan.  She then looked directly at the parable and discussed what he did and did not do to help the wounded man, as well as whether he might have had to respond differently if he had been trying to help his own relative.  Cinthia noted that the Good Samaritan offered simple help, not judging or lecturing, not becoming over-involved, but valuing the wounded man and helping him by giving what he could with appropriate expectations.  

Sometimes humans complicate it when God asks us to help others.  Cinthia encouraged self-reminders that kindness is free and can be given to anyone.  Kindness is not validating inappropriate behavior or trying to teach someone how to change, though it can model a different lifestyle.  Kindness does not mean assuming best-friend status and does not leave the recipient owing anything.  It is simply kindness.  Part of how we know whether we are practicing good boundaries is that we are able to give freely without unrealistic expectations; we do not gain identity from helping the person get better or become resentful if the person rejects or disappoints our efforts.  Good boundaries help us not to take everything so personally.

If someone close to us struggles with an addiction or mental illness, we generally have two choices:  We can interject ourselves into their situation  or be simply a compassionate observer.  A compassionate observer does not take responsibility for figuring out, fixing, teaching, reforming, etc.  A compassionate observer can be aware of problematic behavior while acknowledging his/her own inability to comprehend all the internal and external factors involved.  A compassionate observer can value another person regardless of his/her behavior but does not give past the point of being able to release expectations his or her own expectations for the results.  A compassionate observer can accept that people’s lives are messy and that getting involved in the lives of human beings is a messy business.  A compassionate observer can offer some help, particularly when it is requested, but must have good boundaries when doing so.  Boundaries can be most easily understood as awareness of “where I end and you begin.”  When we do not know where we end, we often become way too involved in the lives of others and end up hating or despising the people we were trying to help when all our attempts to help them change are frustrated or disappointed.  People have problems that aren’t solved for lots of reasons, and we don’t always know all the reasons.  Without appropriate expectations, we develop compassion fatigue, which leads to resentment. 

We can easily overestimate our own ability to understand a given situation.  Sometimes, as we watch a loved one struggle, we say to God, “You could fix this.”  Cinthia reminds us to take a deep breath and remember Who God is.  Remember the cross, the beatings, His entire creation turning against Him.  God knows how humans can be, and He understands factors we cannot know.  He knows what it is like to offer someone help, only to have that person reject it in favor of his/her own best ideas.  He actually does know what is best for us and has the right to have plans for us (something we cannot say about ourselves regarding the people we are trying to help), and He still experiences our resistance and rejection of His offers.  One question to consider in determining what you can give freely in a given situation is how educated you are regarding that situation.  Do you have experience with the relevant issues?  Do you have training?  If you don’t, you might seek general education to help guide your attempts (Make sure to use reputable resources, such as the National Institute for Mental Health [NAMI] or the Mayo Clinic.), or you might simply collect names of professionals, etc., to whom you can refer the person when they want help.  This can be helpful, but don’t try to be the resource or treatment professional.  Be careful about ruling out options for the person.  For example, sometimes Christians are nervous about the use of psychotropic medications and may even discourage loved ones from using them when prescribed.  Psychiatrist Dr. Harnish notes that the devil uses various weapons to attack us and that, as such, it often makes sense to use a variety of weapons in response.  He describes physical interventions such as medication, emotional ones such as counseling, and spiritual ones such as prayer and Scripture reading as different branches of the military.   He encourages using each of these weapons as needed as a country might use different branches of its military to combat different tactics brought against it.

Humility is crucial when dealing with addictions and/or mental illness, whether we are the ones struggling or the ones loving someone else as they struggle.  Just the person struggling must humble himself/herself to accept needed help, the person trying to help must humble himself/herself to accept that the loved one is free to reject his/her help and suggestions.  Sometimes phrasing helps: “I have an idea, and I’m wondering if you’d be interested,” may be a helpful start.  Telling the person all the ways he or she has failed or should have done things differently typically does not help.  When making a suggestion, consider your timing.  Remember that you are not the person’s parent (unless you are and that person is a child), lawyer, doctor, or boss; you are not God.  You are a compassionate witness; see and offer help only within appropriate boundaries.

Remember not to define people by their disorders.  Don’t walk on eggshells.  Let them lead the way.  Help when they ask for help unless such help is not helpful, and then say that you don’t feel comfortable doing that.  Keep it simple.  God honors weakness and really values honesty.   Also, remember that most diagnoses have a continuum of severity.  One person with Diagnosis A may experience it very differently than another person with the same diagnosis. 

Make sure your own life is working.  Tighten down your own self-care.  This gives you strength to help the person when he or she wants help, as well as to love the person when he or she falls, and it models what good self-management can be like.  Get sleep, rest, recreation, and support.  Consider going to a supportive group such as NIMH, Alanon/Alateen, etc.; go to at least two meetings before you rule it out. Mental illness, addiction, and even recovery are all processes that are easy to “get lost in,” and this is as true for loved ones as for the person who struggles directly with the problem.  Boundaries are hard to maintain in these situations, but they are crucial.  Pray for the person, be a compassionate witness, and “do your side of the street.”

Moving On From Yesterday’s Success, with Aaron Knipp

In the arena of identity, we often struggle to let go of negative aspects of who we think we are.  Past failures, old labels, experiences we cannot forget, mistakes we cannot change - It can be such a relief to realize we no longer have to define ourselves by those things.  But today Aaron Knipp talks with Cinthia about moving on from past successes.  Together they explore how even our talents and achievements do not define our existence as human beings created in the image of God.   In an age when crafting our own images and “personal brands” can seem like a full-time job, choosing not to park our identity even in legitimate success, talent, or the positive ways we defined ourselves yesterday is one of the best-kept secrets of a healthy self-image.

Aaron has been on the show previously.  At that time, Aaron was known for having lost almost 200 pounds, writing a book about that experience, and creating and maintaining a weight-loss app for others.  Aaron’s story included working through the unexpected anger he felt after losing the weight because people often treated him better than they had when he was obese, as if he had been previously unworthy but had now redeemed himself, or as if his presence had been embarrassing but was now acceptable.  Aaron explains that he reached a point where he no longer wanted to be known for having lost weight because neither his struggles or his successes in those areas could fully reflect who he was or what he had to offer.  He achieved other career successes but found he could not adequately define himself by those, either. 

Today, Aaron owns the largest public relations firm for keynote speakers and seeks to help his clients be known for the things for which they want to be known.  On today’s episode, he and Cinthia discuss human complexity, “identity withdrawals,” knowing what adjustments one is and is not willing to make, and not ruling out options just because they are difficult, unexpected, or don’t seem to match the expected image.  Aaron notes that tying identity to profession can be particularly common for men.  Cinthia shares some of her journey, as well, emphasizing that God did not call her primarily to utilize the talents she expected Him to use, though she has been able to enjoy those talents as “add-ons.”  Cinthia and Aaron note that receiving attention for a gift you have does not necessarily mean you have to make that gift the center of your life, nor do you have to marry your identity to what you have always done.  You can learn, and sometimes learning means moving on.  Sometimes it’s not even that big of a deal.  Achieving a goal is not necessarily the end of your journey.  You may cross the finish line, only to realize you are mid-step and do not need to stop there, or that there is another path waiting for you.  Your identity and worth are fixed by your Creator, but your explorations of that identity may take you somewhere today that even the best of yesterday could not anticipate.

Be Your Own Best Version

While freshly taught and recorded for this week, today’s topic is a Cinthia-Classic and relates to her reason for doing this podcast in the first place!  Cinthia has been saying, “Be your own best version,” since 2010, but what does she mean by that?  What is the difference between striving to meet lists of expectations (your own or other people’s) and being the best version of yourself?

Cinthia recalled some highlights from her own story today, describing her struggle with performance-oriented behavior, which is a constant attempt to achieve a sense of personal value by showing others who you are and what you do.  This approach to life, says Cinthia, is a trap, a “spinning wheel,” an image-focused system that becomes deceptive and disillusioning, even for those others might think are winning at life.  In fact, Cinthia achieved quite a bit of success during that time; she met lots of goals and had a life that appeared triumphant in many ways.  Somehow, though, she found herself continually in the grip of stress and disillusionment, always feeling her achievements weren’t quite enough to justify her existence or make her feel worthwhile.  In fact, she didn’t like herself very much at all, and she lived in fear that others would see her for what she thought she was.  At this point, having exhausted her own best attempts at managing her life, Cinthia offered her life back to God, though she was not sure He would want it and was unable to comprehend that she was valuable to Him.  She found to her surprise that He did value her --- that He had chosen to create her, even knowing all the choices she would make.  She realized that He had made her on purpose and that she was the only one He would ever make in exactly this way.  And, when she believed that, everything changed.

What Cinthia learned was that God is the One Who determines the value of everything.  He is the Creator, and, if He values something, it is valuable.  This means that created beings like humans do not determine our value by our own behavior, no matter how good or bad that behavior is.  Our behavior determines a lot of things about how our lives unfold, and God allows us freedom to choose whether or not to actively cooperate with His design for us.  But God’s ever-present interest in each person, His choice to create each of us even while fully aware of the choices we would make, means that each of us has what is called “guaranteed value.”  We can’t earn it or revoke it.  Consider Psalm 139.  Consider a one-hundred-dollar bill that has been crumpled, trampled, left in the dumpster, used for evil purposes, and more -- regardless of where it has been or the purposes for which it had been used by others, that bill is still worth one hundred dollars.  Whether the bill is accomplishing its highest purpose is irrelevant to its value because that value is predetermined by its makers.  Similarly, we cannot increase or decrease our own value, nor can others by their treatment or opinions of us.  Even our sin, though grievous to God because He knows its consequences, does not change our value.  Romans 5:8 says that Christ died for us “while we were yet sinners,” at our worst.   

What does this mean for you?  God acted and continues to act upon His own choice to love you.  He does not depend on you to ensure your own value.  He chooses you.  He wants you.  He values you.  And so, while other things in life fluctuate, your value remains the same because it flows from the One Who does not change. 

This does not “feel true” for many of us.  Sometimes the only way we can access the reality of it is through faith.  Just as we believe that Jesus is the Son of God, that He died for us and rose from the dead, that He ascended into Heaven and sent His Holy Spirit to live in the hearts of those who trust in Him, we must also accept by faith that our value is determined by our Creator and not by ourselves.  It may not “feel true” right now, but we can choose to place our faith in this reality regardless of our feelings and to act on this reality whether or not we feel like doing so.  Remember, feelings can be real without being true.  So step toward Him confidently, knowing that He corrects His children without condemning them (Romans 8:1).

The realization of all this in about 2010 gave Cinthia the idea of focusing her efforts on being “her own best version,” meaning that she would put her efforts into cooperating with the design God has for her rather than on trying to earn her value, be what someone else wanted, or compete with other people. And, since these concepts applied to all the other human beings, too, she started teaching others the same idea.  Some core truths came with this:  Each person (including you) is alive for a reason, created on purpose by God with a particular and unique design.  Each person has the power to effect change in the world, which means for you that, regardless of your position in life, you will affect people, places, and things.  You have choices about this impact. 

Several hundred years ago, Thomas a Kempis stated, “Everywhere you go, there you are.”  You can survive there or thrive there.  You choose, consciously or unconsciously, whether or not to live proactively.  For today’s purposes, this leads to two basic questions: (1) Are you the best version of yourself?  And what does that look like? (2) If not, what is holding you back from being your own best version? How do you need to manage yourself in order to grow toward being your own best version?  Remember, nobody can succeed or mess up like you can.  You are an original, but dysfunction is not original or creative.  Don’t let the predictable and the common steal what is unique to you.  Are there aspects of your past that are controlling your present?  If so, deal with your past so that you can be in the present and enter fully into your future.  God made you on purpose with a unique design.  What will it look like for you to live into that design?