Conversations with Cinthia

What Is Your Achilles Heel? (replay from 4-16-23)

What is your “Achilles Heel,” the weakness or “limp” that is always there in your life?  Do you judge yourself for it, berate yourself for having it?  Do you try to avoid it, chasing feelings that make it seem less painful for a while?

Healthy self-esteem involves a balance, both for individuals and for society.  We tend instead to swing back and forth on a pendulum, clinging to inferiority, then over-valuing our own good qualities.  This is because we tend to cling to performance-oriented evaluations of ourselves and others, judging worth and value by achievements, accolades, approval, looks, accomplishments, etc.  The key to getting off the pendulum is to learn that our worth is separate from our performance, that we are valuable because God made us on purpose and for a specific purpose.  Secure in that knowledge, we then strive to be the best versions of ourselves, not to make ourselves worthwhile but to honor the One Who made us so well.

Instead, we often try to meet our needs for self-value by “chasing a feeling.”  We may berate ourselves, hoping to force change that will make us feel better about ourselves.  But when we depend on the feelings that come from our accomplishments or the approval of others, we find them to be fleeting.  We fear failure, exposure, rejection, increased self-loathing, etc.  It is like trying to nourish ourselves on dessert or a diet of artificial sweeteners without laying a foundation of good nutrition to sustain us.  This means that chasing good feelings ultimately creates bad feelings, leading to more self-judgment and pain and inspiring more feeling-chasing behaviors.  We tend to believe the lies that match our emotional states.  This can lead to tragic outcomes including suicide.  Believing all our emotions creates a hellish experience, which we then try to fight with more perfection, feeling-chasing, etc.  What do you do to try to meet the needs inside you?

However, Jesus told His disciples that, by abiding in His word, they would know the truth and the truth would set them free (John 8:32).  Truth frees us even when it is uncomfortable, unpleasant, and the opposite of easy.  We must tell the truth to others and to ourselves.  We are terrified of truth, but God wants to use it to heal us.  God doesn’t tell mercy lies, but He has mercy on us by telling the actual truth to heal in order to heal us.

Cinthia discussed “limps” of her own including an eating disorder that stemmed from her belief that she was not “good enough,” as well as her dream of being a performer, which she thought must be God’s design since it was her dream for herself.  Instead, God used the truth to heal her: that He had made her and liked the way He had done so, that He wasn’t going to change His design of her to suit her, that she could enjoy who He made her to be or not, and, finally, that He had given her musical giftings and creativity as an “add-on” and not her primary mission in life.

God tells us the truth because He cares. When we care about ourselves, we also address our weaknesses and discipline ourselves.  We learn to recognize the fleeting nature of feelings.  God doesn’t just want us to feel good.  He wants us to know that He created us in a way we like and that He is sad that we don’t. 

What are you fighting within yourself?  What are you fighting yourself about, and is it worth the effort?  Are you being your own worst enemy, or are you being a true friend to yourself?  About what do you constantly argue with yourself?  What are you fighting for, and what are you trying to achieve?  Are you fighting for yourself or against yourself?  What do you talk yourself into and out of?  What are you willing to fight for yourself to achieve?  Don’t die for a feeling.  Don’t give up over a feeling.

Finally, Cinthia discussed an article by Cindy Rooy (Times News.net/living/faith/has-god-given-you-a-limp) and asked, “What is the limp that God has given you?”  Jacob, notes Rooy, was self-sufficient and independent, but this wasn’t what God wanted for him.  Finally, God wrestled (or sent an angel to wrestle) Jacob through the night, finally leaving him with a limp that remained for the rest of his earthly life.  After that, Jacob stopped scheming to obtain God’s blessings and learned to trust and depend on Him.

God will wrestle with us to break our will so He can bless us in our brokenness.  This is because He loves us.  We were never meant to live in our own strength, independent of Him, and we destroy ourselves and miss out on the life we were meant to live when we try.  Don’t judge your need for Him.  Don’t feel badly that you can’t do it without Him.  Think of how we feel about children and pets who need our help.  God wants us to rely on Him in our need and learn to trust Him.  Consider Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” (II Corinthians 12:7-10).  We submit to God most consistently out of our need. 

God disciplines His children because He loves us.  Similarly, when we learn to care about ourselves, we learn to discipline ourselves.  We only discipline ourselves if we care enough about ourselves.  It is not ok to care so little about ourselves that we don’t discipline ourselves toward what is good for us. 

Who do you trust, and who trusts you?  Jesus is the Good Shepherd.  He wants you to know His voice and follow Him.  He does not want to give you a debilitating limp before you submit.  He wants you to trust Him.  His plan for you is specific, and He wants you to walk it out the way He intends, which will ultimately result in your highest fulfillment, though not necessarily all your best feelings right now.

God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or think (Ephesians 3:20).  Trust Him.

Family vs. Friends

Which is more important, friends or family?  To some, family should always come first at all ages and stages of life.  Others see the family of childhood as little more than an option once adulthood is reached since one can create a “family of choice” and no longer depend on the family of origin.  Today Cinthia explored the similarities and differences between familial relationships and friendships and offered some principles to help us navigate our relationships well.  She emphasized that relationships are vital for human beings, that family and friends are not an either/or choice, that it is okay to enjoy either or both, and that recognizing the reasons we enjoy one kind of relationship more than another can help us maturely and effectively navigate both kinds of relationships. 

Family relationships and friendships have a lot in common.  They can both be comforting, and they can both be stressful.  Both can be warm, loving, healthy, and respectful, and both can be cold, neglectful, even abusive.  Both can be irreplaceable.  Both can differ over the course of the lifespan, and both can maintain through ups and downs.  Families can help us when we experience pain in friendships, and friends can help us when we experience pain in family relationships.  We can work on each kind of relationship, and each kind can grow and change.  We can have disappointed expectations in both, and, in both, we can learn to set boundaries and allow for healing. 

One important difference, however, is that the relational labels of family members do not change regardless of conflict, estrangement, etc.  Friendships are often circumstantial and may grow and flourish or weaken and fade based on factors like geography, choice of workplace, etc.  Even good friendships sometimes end, though there are friends who stick closer than family members.  But family relationships are, by definition, permanent, and even extreme situations like estrangements do not end their existence.  This can create pressure, guilt, and great difficulty leaving even when a situation is truly dangerous.  However, the permanency of family relationships can also encourage us to maintain connection whenever possible and reasonably safe, to resist treating human relationships as disposable, and to work on resolving issues that might mean the end of a friendship.  Cinthia noted that she spent many years asking God why He gave her the adoptive family He did but that she now understands more about why His choice of them for her was so important and right.  “Family of choice” (the people on whom we choose to rely for support, connection, sharing, etc.) can be very helpful, but family of origin (the one that produced and/or raised you) and family of procreation (the family we create with marital, biological, and/or adoptive ties) does not cease to matter as a result. 

Friendship, on the other hand, begins and continues by choice.  We are more responsible for the composition of our friendships because we get to pick them.  While families are a mixture of very complicated humans that have very different personalities and very different gifts, friends may select one another based on preferred traits or things they have in common.  Because of this, families of choice can be great places to connect.  Families can have more complex issues (e.g., hierarchy, indebtedness), but friends often share a more even power structure.  We can also have different groups of friends, giving us options for getting our needs met and meeting the needs of others, though this can also mean less incentive to resolve issues in any given group.  Friendship matters, even to our health; research indicates that healthy friendships are better predictors of our physical health in some ways than our family relationships are. 

So which is better, family or friends?  Well, both are, and we need them both.  We can have healthy, fulfilling relationships even if our families are not healthy because we can cultivate friendships, but our familial relationships will always matter to us at some level, even in cases where we cannot safely continue to be in interactive relationship. 

So what are the healthiest relationships in your life?  Are you doing the emotional work it takes to make the most of them?  As adults, we can manage the bumps and valleys of familial relationships and of friendships, but we have to have appropriate expectations of each.  While friends can meet needs appropriate to friendship, we cannot expect them to meet the childhood needs our parents did not meet.  And while it is possible for a family member to become a true friend, it is not realistic to expect that all our family members have to be our best friends or that our family members will exhibit everything we might choose in our friends.  We also have to be aware of the ways these relationships impact one another.  Family relationships can create expectations for relationships throughout the life span.  We may carry our family system with us and expect or recreate it around us.  Or we can react to it throughout the life span, rebelling against it for a lifetime.  We do well to recognize what happened in our families, how we interpreted it, and how it is currently impacting our everyday lives.  Are you cultivating friendships out of a need to recreate or rebel against your family of origin?

It is okay to have different kinds of feelings about each kind of relationship.  It is wonderful to enjoy your family even more than you enjoy your friends, but lots of people don’t feel that way.  And, no matter how much your extended family wants to be to you, it is okay to set boundaries and have friends outside the family.  We must recognize that no one person can be and do everything for us, just as we cannot do that for anyone else.  It is also okay to let relationships grow and change.  Sometimes we grow out of friendships, and this can hurt.  Sometimes a family relationship becomes a friendship, as well, while other familial relationships do not.  Whatever kind of relationship you are navigating, make sure you are showing up as an adult in the relationship.   Adults get to pick who they let get closest to them, and they are responsible for the way they behave toward others. 

Relationships are important, period.  Human beings need them.  The more connected we are with other humans in healthy ways, the healthier we are.  The relationships we choose influence our health dramatically, increase our problem-solving skills, etc.  We are responsible to treat both our family and friends as we would like to be treated.  We are responsible to be adults in the ways we interact.  We are responsible for our part in getting to know our family and friends as adults, and in allowing space for them to change, too.  As adults we have choices.  We can affect systems if the systems allow themselves to be affected; we can participate in the change process in relationships when others are willing to participate, too.  We can also accept losses that are beyond our control.  It’s ok to prefer either your family or your friends, but do pay attention to why you enjoy one more than the other.  Choose positively rather than reacting.

Letting Go

Inspired by a listener’s request, today Cinthia discussed how to let go, applying it to various kinds and levels of loss: the loss of something or someone to which we have become attached, someone or something we loved, something for which we hoped, something on which our hearts were set, something to which we so looked forward, something we enjoyed, etc.  How do we move forward when the object of our desire is gone? 

The answer is the grief and loss process.  Cinthia begins with John 11:35 in which Jesus weeps at the death of His friend Lazarus.  He stops and takes time for this.  God understands the physical need for tears.  Dr. William of the St Paul-Ramsey Medical Center found that tear composition varies according to the cause of our tears.  Those that stem from emotion differ from irritant-based by containing more protein-based hormones, which are actually natural pain killers, so that emotionally-based tears actually help us heal and to feel better.  When we are willing to cry over the loss, we physically release enzymes from our bodies.  Jesus allowed Himself to cry, and it likely strengthened Him for the work He was about to do.  Cinthia also points out that Lazarus’s death likely impacted the entire community and that the faith of some felt shattered since their expectations of Jesus were disappointed.  People were questioning why Jesus didn’t heal Lazarus, just as we all struggle when dealing with the living God: why are His ways so different from ours, and how do we trust Him when we don’t understand what He is doing?

Cinthia encourages us not to minimize our pain, even if our own feelings surprise us.  Grief can blindside us, even when we knew it was coming.  We can’t always decide how we are going to feel about something.  We can even be shocked about how much it hurts or how much it affects us.  What one person needs to cry about is different than what another may need to cry about.  We need to honor our own and one another’s pain and help each other move through it.  All each of us can do is to be the best version of ourselves while we weep, wail, and fall apart.  Cinthia states, “The enemy of our soul wants us to minimize our pain and maximize our pleasure as a way to thwart the process of a full, rich, and abundant life…. The intention is impeding the process of healing and, thereby, stealing all that is good.”  She also states, “The grief and loss process is important no matter what size the loss is.”

Acknowledging our grief is not the same as allowing the pain to become our identity or using it as tacit permission to behave in ways we know are wrong – we still have to do life, and we should help each other continue to move forward.  At the same time that we want to get rid of the pain, we may also have a hard time letting go of the pain since it can seem like the only link we have left to the one or the thing that has been lost.  But this, also, is short-circuiting the acceptance process. 

We all want to avoid the pain, not go through it.  We all want to find a different way.  But the only way out of it is through it.  We cannot even “skirt around the edges” of our grief, though we may sometimes need to “dose ourselves” with small steps so we do not become thoroughly overwhelmed. Pain demands a response, regardless of its size, cause, etc.  Some grief processes are small and short, while others last for a lifetime.  God can use all of them for our good, though this does not necessarily mean that He caused the tragedy in order to teach us something, etc.  Cinthia discussed the “weeping and wailing women,” reading from the Message version Jeremiah 9:16 and several verses following.  The weeping and wailing women were to be called to help everyone in the community access their own tears so that they could truly lament and heal.  We do better if we cry together.  The world hardens us, and we help each other cry. 

Cinthia discussed Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief (i.e., shock and denial, anger, bargaining, sadness/mourning/depression, and acceptance), maladaptive coping skills that help us avoid or ignore our grief process (e.g., drinking, smoking, overeating/sleeping/watching television, rage, avoidance, addictions/compulsions, aggression, minimizing, rationalizing, lethargy, etc.), roadblocks to processing grief (e.g., not recognizing change has happened, not accepting it, not expecting to have to mourn certain losses, feelings of anger, rejection, guilt, regret, shame over stigma that makes us not want to draw attention to the loss, previous losses that are unresolved, fear of exploring feelings, not wanting to upset or add grief to others, not wanting others to feel bad for us or to increase family pain, complicated grief from prior overdependence so that loss of self occurs with loss of another person, hanging onto grief to avoid the finality of loss, sex roles and cultural conditioning, not knowing how to appropriately grieve), and elements of mourning, which is active participation in the grief and loss process (e.g., acknowledging the reality of the loss, embracing the pain of the loss, needing to remember, and allowing our sense of identity to adjust in a limited way).  She acknowledged that, when loss is deep as in the loss of a cherished loved one, we heal but do not “get over it.”  We are never the same, and, while identity is fixed, we have to accept certain changes in ourselves.

Cinthia also discussed forgiveness of whoever or whatever supported the loss; this may be a person, our own body, or even God.  The concept of “forgiving” God is tricky because His ways are right, but we can still “hurt our feelings on Him,” becoming upset because He didn’t do what we thought He should or would do.  God knows and understands.  Talk to Him about this.  He wants friendship with you.  “God always gives the best to those who leave the choice to Him.” -Selwyn Hughes.

Resisting grief can get us stuck.  It is impossible to rush to acceptance.  “We can’t think our way through grief,” stated Cinthia.  We can shelve certain feelings at times to function in life, but we still need to be honest with ourselves about the state of our feelings and thoughts underneath our compartmentalization.  The bigger the loss, the more we may want to ignore it, but the real goal is to effectively manage the stress and pain.  Cinthia shared the poem “Along the Road” by Robert Browning Hamilton and encouraged us to be willing to walk a mile with sorrow.

Let Them Love You

Do you let people love you?  Do you accept gifts graciously, receive compliments kindly, and gratefully experience help when it is offered?  If not, you aren’t alone; many people minimize compliments, feel uncomfortable with gifts and kindnesses given, and even reject help offered despite really needing it.  We all need love, but it can be harder to receive than we might expect.  Today Cinthia encourages us to allow ourselves to be loved, examining some reasons we may not do so and offering alternative responses that are more gracious. 

Reasons for struggling to accept love can include suspicion or difficulty trusting others.  We may wonder if there are “strings” attached to a gift or fear that accepting a kind gesture will put us in debt to another person.  But a gift is, by definition, offered without the expectation of payment.  Receiving kindly means expressing appreciation, perhaps giving an authentic “thank you,” perhaps even telling the person what their kindness means to us or saying something like, “You made my day.”  But we are not obligated to “mind-read” and try to figure out whether the giver may secretly be expecting something in return.  We have to practice not “reading into things” more than we should.  If there is no obvious reason to fear an ulterior motive, most often we can graciously accept the gift as it is presented.  In fact, this is a mark of good boundaries: we allow others to be responsible for their communications and take responsibility for our own.  If there are conditions we do not know, we can ignore them unless and until they are communicated.  If it turns out that the giver was expecting reciprocity, we can respond to that when we learn of it, perhaps saying something like, “I wish I had known that you expected that in return; I am not able to do that.  What can I do now?”  In some cases we might even return a gift, explain that we will not be able to accept further help, etc.  In many cases, however, this does not become necessary.  Actually, lots of people sometimes enjoy doing nice things for others, giving gifts, or being kind without trying to set up recipients to be in their debt.  Why drain their joy and our own by undermining their kindness with our suspicions?  Train yourself in the following boundary: “I don’t have to be a mind-reader.”  Receive with kindness.

Another reason for rejecting kindness, grace, help, or gifts can be a sense of embarrassment or shame at being seen as vulnerable, weak, or in need.  This can be especially true with those closest to us; sometimes we find it easier to accept help from strangers than to be known and assisted by those who are close to us.  But covering is a function of love.  Different than enabling (which protects sin), love grants us protection while we are in the process of repentance and change.  God does this for us without limit.  People do have limits since our endurance cannot match His, but people who love us can offer us safe harbors in which to change rather than exposing us throughout the process, just as we can do for them.  Allow those who love you to support you as you change.  Receive their support with kindness.

Sometimes we struggle to accept gifts, help, or kindness because we believe we do not deserve such good things.  Often, this is because we are choosing to believe our own negative feelings, but this does not justify insulting the giver by refusing to receive or trying to pay for what is freely offered.  The one who shows mercy offers a blessing; don’t steal from the person trying to bless you.  Acknowledge and accept compliments, whether or not you believe them.  Allow the love extended to effect healing in you.  Do not give back simply to fix the uncomfortable feeling you have when someone gives you something.  Recognize where you end and the other person begins; your discomfort is a part of your experience and something you must address, not something to project onto the other person.  Receive kindly.

Cinthia read several verses from I Corinthians 13, which is often called “the Love Chapter.”  She emphasized that it is good to love.  You can practice good boundaries while giving and receiving.  You can do things to help without getting entangled in someone’s entire life.  Our society has lots of trouble with relationships now, but human beings still need time, love, space, hope, kindness, and to be seen.  Receive kindly.  Practice phrases that help you extricate yourself if you have jumped in too deeply.  Basic courtesy and kindness are not a commitment to be in each other’s lives long-term.  Friendliness does not have to be repaid. 

Intimacy involves a deeper level of giving and receiving love.  It is not something we should try to experience indiscriminately in our relationships since it requires far more trust and vulnerability than simple kindness, friendliness, courtesy, or politeness (though these things certainly should still be present in our intimate relationships); it is often reciprocal in some way but does not involve the “keeping score” kind of reciprocity.  Cinthia read a passage from God Calling entitled “Friend of Mine,” which explores what God is like in His role as our “Great Friend.”  We can learn from Him how to be safe for intimacy.  Intimacy can hurt and harm like nothing else can if not protected and respected, but it is also important for human flourishing.  Cinthia reviewed six types of intimacy: physical (which can include but is not limited to sexual intimacy; can also involve physical touch with close friends, family, and caregivers), emotional (revealing our souls to one another and trusting that it will be safe to do so), experiential (learning with someone, doing and experiencing things together), intellectual (relating mind to mind, understanding things together in a way that helps people to bear them better), creative (working together to make something special, to leave a mark on the world), and spiritual (telling each other what God has done for us, what He has said to us, seeking to know Him together).  Intimacy requires a higher level of willingness and skill in giving and receiving love.

The Comparison Game

Cinthia explained at the outset that she sees lots of problems in her practice with people thinking they are not enough, not measuring up, and that this leads to comparing and contrasting themselves with others “twenty-four, seven.”  She also explained that she has struggled with comparison in her own thoughts and has worked hard over the course of her life to address this.  Cinthia stated that always wanting “to know we’re ok” is part of “the human condition,’ but noted that comparing ourselves to each other as an attempt to accomplish this is highly problematic.  How can we compare things that are each intended to be completely unique?  Our comparisons also tend to reveal the problems in our priorities.  Most of us tend to be dissatisfied with the amount of money we have or the way we look, but God is much more concerned with our morality and whether we are living out the design He made us to live. Comparison offers us nothing to gain and so much to lose; this is why Theodore Roosevelt stated, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  Comparison damages pride, dignity, drive, and passion.  Things of great value are devalued and lost.  There is no end to the comparison options, so there is no way to solve our discontent by succeeding in our comparisons.  Comparing focuses us on things we cannot control.  It works against being grateful and happy.  Comparisons distract us.  Even when they comfort us, it is usually on the basis of our perceived superiority to someone else, and this is problematic, too. 

As a remedy to our ongoing struggles with comparison, Cinthia suggested we “take advantage of some of God’s thoughts.”  She read from Psalm 139 in the New Living Translation and talked about various phrases.  She described realizing from these verses that God knew every choice she would make, good and bad, before He created her, and still chose to make her; this made her realize how much He loved her since He still wanted her existence to happen, even with all the costs it entailed.  The same is true for each of us.  Cinthia also read from Romans 9:20 and verses following, calling this a rebuke from God to those of us who tend to resist His design for us and talk back to Him about the way He made us.  She paraphrased, “Who are you to talk back to God?  You are a created being.  I made you the way I wanted to make you, and I’m happy with the design.”  To assume God never takes our ongoing criticism personally is to deny that He is an emotional Being.  He is so happy with how He made us, and we complain because we are not getting His vision of us.  Despite this, it is better to engage with God and struggle with Him regarding our feelings about His design than to turn to society and ask for its opinion on our design; society has no real ability or right to help us with this.  So, if you struggle, engage with Him about it.  Ask and accept why He made you and what His vision is for you as His creation.  God is proud of His work and wants the universe to see His designs lived out.  He intended us to be different from one another, to look different, to do different things.  He wanted us to have special ways of interacting with Him, ways He could be with each one, just as parents enjoy different ways of interacting with each child.

Comparison is a hard habit to break, so here are some alternatives to “just stopping:”

1. Commit to making a fair comparison. Don’t compare yourself based on things you don’t really know or cannot change.  Most comparisons are unfair because we don’t have the metrics for all the things we judge.  An unknown person has said, “Never compare your inside to someone else’s outside.” 
2. Accept that there are some things you cannot change. Come to terms with yourself as a created being.  God did not consult you when He created you, nor should He have.  He put thought into you.  He wants His creation to enjoy the way He created it. 
3. Accept everything about yourself, including the things with which you do not agree. You will have more power to change once you stop fighting to deny reality.  Don’t pretend that it didn’t happen or that you are not flawed.
4. Say helpful things to yourself, such as, “I can’t assess who I am or what I have based on others because I am made uniquely.” Or try, “Keep your eyes on your own paper.”
5. Be intentional about identifying and removing your subconscious comparisons. Don’t rank-order humans.  Our actions vary, but our value is the same.   Practicing this is very difficult, but it is worth it.
6. It is ok to be inspired by others and learn from one another. It is okay to admire what another does and consider whether it might be good for you, too.  But this is different from comparisons that rely on denigrating you or someone else.
7. Learn to focus on contributing good things, and enjoy those successes without comparing them to those of others. Help other people.  Learn to be comfortable in your own skin so that you can be safer for others.   
8. Compete less; appreciate more. Intentionally practice gratitude.  Remember that focusing on what others have and do will prevent you from appreciating all the extraordinary blessings in your own life.  Life is not one big competition.  Judging others is not a way to make yourself feel better.  Humbly ask questions of people you admire, even your own children. 
9. Join God in approving of what He made. Thank Him for creating you and for the way He did so.  If you struggle with this, ask Him to help you see His vision for your life and accept, embrace, and walk out His purposes for you.

How Do I Love Thee

Cinthia opened today’s episode with a famous sonnet by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, entitled “How Do I Love Thee?”  The poem famously begins, “How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways,” and then beautifully lists a variety of ways the lover in the poem loves the beloved.  Cinthia cited this as a beautiful exploration of the reality that love is acted upon, carried out, expressed in actions and gestures that mean something to the lover and to the beloved.

Have you ever done something meaningful for someone you loved, only to observe that the individual didn’t seem to find it meaningful?  It is very important to know how people want to be loved.  It can be exhausting to give and give but find that the person to whom we are giving is not emotionally nurtured by the things we are giving.  In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman listed five “languages” through which people give and receive love; these were words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts.   Chapman asserted that individuals tend to have preferred ways in which they most like to be shown love, ways that most effectively communicate love to each person.  Cinthia elaborated today on the idea that, while we can all receive love in a variety of ways and may not have only one “love language,” we do have primary preferences in this area, communications of affection that resonate with us more than others, gestures that give us emotional nourishment we can most easily receive.   Recognizing and honoring one another’s love languages streamlines our efforts in relationships, making our attempts to meet one another’s needs more effective and keeping the needs from becoming overwhelming.

Learning to communicate through love languages is a process.  As a loved one, knowing yourself involves knowing what makes you feel loved and owning it.  Adults can accept not having emotional needs met in every situation, but, in close relationships, it is helpful to communicate to other people what will most help us to feel loved. Simultaneously, we must learn the preferences of those we love and be willing to communicate with them in these ways.  Cinthia explains, “When we are loving someone, it is an investigative process… The problem is, I probably need to learn how to love you instead of assuming that the way I love feels good to you.  See, we have this tendency to want to love people the way that we feel love.  But the most loving thing I could do is to love you the way you want to be loved.  This means I may need to do things that aren’t very exciting to me, or fun, or invigorating.  But, if I do them, you feel great.  And, really, maybe that’s the point.”  Are you willing to communicate love to your closest loved ones, even when it feels involves altering some of your habits or behaviors, feeling uncomfortable, or engaging in gestures that are not meaningful to you but mean a lot to the one you love?

There are specific messages we need to receive in order to feel loved.  These include, “I see you,” which we gain from focused attention, presence, fulfillment the basic human need to be seen; “I know you,”  which involves understanding what something might be like for an individual and recognizing how various experiences might be different for one person than for someone else; and, “You’re safe with me,” which requires being able to trust someone with confidences and know that tolerance, forgiveness, acceptance, and desire for growth will be part of the relationship.

Cinthia briefly explored each of the five love languages.  Regarding people whose love language is acts of service, she noted that actions are required to back up words spoken.  For those whose love language is receiving gifts, the focus is not on how expensive the gift is but on the communication that you know what would please that person and have taken effort to do so.  Quality time involves uninterrupted focus, prioritizing your time together, connecting emotionally; while the activity itself is not really the point, planning for and protecting the time together and the focus on each other during that time is important.  Words of affirmation can involve verbal or written communication that says how much the person is loved and should also include why, noting specific traits that are appreciated about the beloved.  Physical touch, for those who most value it, helps them know that you like being with them, being next to them, creating your own space together; it can involve sexual intimacy in romantic relationships but can also involve other forms of touch, such as shaking hands, patting a back, giving a hug, etc.

It comes down to the “do” – How “DO” I love you?  Are you willing to learn, to adapt?  If your beloved values being on time, are you willing to make an effort to be on time for that person?  If someone you love needs help with something, are you willing to help you, even if it involves something that feels like work for you?  How can we give one another concrete experiences of our love, working to make the relationship viable and enduring?  Let me count the ways…

Attractiveness

Is attraction something that just comes and goes, completely beyond our control?  Today Cinthia explores attractiveness as a responsibility we have to others, one that is not primarily about our physical makeup.  While she introduces this topic in terms of spouses who are no longer attracted to their spouses, she explores it further as it applies to our interactions with society in general.  How attractive we are has to do with what it is like for others to be around us.  This is why men often appear more attractive when they exhibit “confidence contained.”  In all of us, qualities like kindness, gentleness, mercy, flexibility, nobleness, health, willingness to work hard, etc., tend to be attractive, while disrespectfulness, immaturity, vulgarity, being unaware of your audience, refusing to cooperate with others, and selfishness in general make us less attractive to others.  We are more attractive when we adjust ourselves somewhat to others by learning to “check the temperature of the room;” for example, we can notice whether other people find their jokes humorous and when they do not.  They notice how their behavior is impacting others and adjust to those with whom they interact.  

In our society, many people expect that others should be attracted to them unconditionally, as if all of society is obligated to offer them the unconditional acceptance they needed from their parents and continue to need from God.  Sometimes people today expect that their showing up should be enough for everyone else.  However, this is not a realistic expectation for adults to hold.  We offer babies unconditional goodwill no matter how much they scream or how many bodily fluids they deposit on us because we understand that they are babies.  We accept that teenagers are learning to deal with others maturely and may sometimes be difficult to engage; this is because we understand that they are teenagers.  Adults, however, have the ability and the expectation to recognize that their behavior impacts other people.  Our behavior can make us unattractive.  Our hygiene practices can make it uncomfortable for people to come close to us.  To refuse to recognize this is immature, and it is draining for others who have to deal with it on a regular basis.  It takes courage to own the experience others have of us when we interact together, but maturity knows that its decisions matter.  Selfishness and immaturity are exhausting for others.  Pushing boundaries for attention gets old.  Creating awkwardness or discomfort just to get a reaction gets tiresome.  Selfishness, withholding, refusing to share or fill in the gaps for those who cannot do it themselves – these things are burdensome to others.  Don’t confuse assertiveness and selfishness; they are not the same thing. 

Owning your impact does not mean being someone that you are not, hiding your feelings all the time, or constantly seeking to meet everyone else’s expectations, no matter how unrealistic or unwholesome.  It simply means recognizing that you are not entitled to show up without showering, use whatever language you want, and expect everyone to be thrilled that you are there.  It means acknowledging that others are allowed to have feelings about the impact of your decisions on them. 

As an adult, you can learn to be an attractive person, regardless of whether you possess physiological beauty.  This does not mean our appearance is irrelevant, however; the ways in which we care for ourselves are relevant to the experience others have of us.  The way we dress indicates something about our own willingness to contain ourselves instead of expecting others to deal with the rawest versions of us.  Going to the grocery store in pajamas, for example, may to communicate to others that our own comfort is our highest priority and that we have little concern for the atmosphere we are helping to create.  While the 1950’s had another set of problems, one positive aspect of that decade was the expectation people embraced to show some respect for themselves and others in certain ways, including pulling themselves together when going out of the house.  Our clothes tell a story about us; this is why politicians dress differently when speaking to different groups of people.  (Please note that not everyone needs to work harder at looking good in public.  Some people need to “lighten up” while others need to “tighten up.”)  Taking care of our physical appearances also impacts us personally.  Cinthia discussed an article from Getty Images that addressed this through the lens of play rehearsal in professional settings; it explained that the costumes actors wear impact their embodiment of a character, that the way we dress sends messages to our own brains about who we are and impacts the way we perform.  A study found that increased formality in students’ clothing increased the students’ abstract processing.  This is why people who work from home are often advised not to do so in their pajamas but to put on some level of professional clothing.  People’s brains really do pick up on clues subconsciously, and we really do send messages to others and ourselves.   (Of course, appearance is not the whole story; while a tie may make you look and feel more reliable, you still have to actually follow through and be reliable in order to maintain that impression.)

So, returning to the arena of spousal attraction, a similar principle applies.  Expecting your spouse to be endlessly and unconditionally attracted to you regardless of how you look, behave, relate to them, etc., is selfish.  We should not take advantage of those who commit to us in sickness and in health by using their commitment as an excuse to be lazy or thoughtless, to become the worst version of ourselves. This applies in the way we talk to one another, handle our emotions, communicate about important issues, maintain self-care, and address problems.  Ongoing attractiveness is not about achieving or maintaining physical perfection, nor does it mean we will not go through seasons of change.  Rather, it is about taking responsibility to be pleasant company for those with whom we travel through life, just as we want them to do for us.  And, when we know that we are struggling, we can show consideration for those closest to us by thanking them for their patience and acknowledging the impact our struggles have on them.

We honor ourselves and others by taking responsibility for our choices.  Our choices matter because we matter and because those around us do, too.  Be someone whose presence benefits others, including those closest to you.

How Much Does Your Pleasure Cost You and Others?

Are you willing to pursue virtue, or do you think of it as costing too much?  Pleasure has a price, too, one that is sometimes worth paying and sometimes not.  Pleasure is often an attempt to mitigate pain, but sometimes the price of pleasure is more pain for us and others.  How much is your pleasure costing you?  Your loved ones?  Your community and society?  Cinthia explains, “Pain is real.  Pain management, when done morally, is the best antidote and possible cure for pain… in this world.  Pleasure, however, most often masquerades as giving you positive feelings.  It seems to give you rest and relaxation and fun, but it always has a price.”  Pursuing pleasure is different than simply enjoying it as a by-product of pursuing what is good.  The single-minded pursuit of pleasure is a dangerous road, a slow burn, one that often costs us the best things in life. 

We often think about the costs of our pleasure-seeking in our own lives, but we often do not consider the costs to others.  Good character understands and respects the price of pleasure to ourselves and others.  Good character qualities produce emotional, intellectual, relational, spiritual, and physical currency.  When we practice good character, we produce more emotional health, and we use our physical bodies differently.  We recognize that we are not in the world all by ourselves; we impact and are impacted by others.  This makes it important to be a good friend, partner, parent, neighbor, employee, confidant, etc. -- to bring out the best in others by being the kind of others can aspire to be.  Think of how God partners with us: Even when we are not good, He is still good.  Be someone that people can trust.  You cannot do this if you are pursuing pleasure alone. 

Contributing well to others does not mean you never receive or “deduct” from the relationship; it simply means that you make “deposits,” as well.  How do you handle the mistakes in relationships?  Are you someone from whom others have to recover, or do you contribute meaningfully to those around you?  Do you go to events expecting only to receive, or do you bring honor, encouragement, energy, positive emotion, patience, etc.?  Is your primary focus on deducting or depositing?  On your experience or the experiences to which you contribute?  Are you willing to pursue virtue?  What are the costs and rewards of that pursuit?

How much does your pleasure cost others – even the pleasure of holding onto your own bad mood?  What is the price of an addiction to you and to others, and what would be the costs and revenue of sobriety, for others and for you?  What is your “aroma” – what is it like to be around you?  How do people feel when you enter or leave the room?  If your world is all about you, what does it cost others to interact with your world?  Does your presence bring peace?  Bringing peace does not involve pretense; it involves genuine confidence and the ability to give to others because you have been taking appropriate care of yourself.  Bringing peace is possible even when confronting someone.  It is not the same as telling people only what they want to hear, but it does involve considering how someone else experiences the conversation and not only what the conversation is like for you.  Virtue is not always about being “nice,” though it is never cruel; it involves giving what is needed rather than what we simply want to discard during an interaction.

“What you do matters,” states Cinthia, “not just down here, but for eternity.”  We can go to heaven because of our belief in Jesus, but He also wants us to participate in the work of His Kingdom, partly just by the way we are with those around us.  What are you doing with your words?  Cinthia read an excerpt from Jesus Calling (March 1, 2020) that brought attention to what is created, destroyed, brought to life, or brought to death by all the words we speak.  Do you simply say what you want to say and then shrug off or defend the impact?  Why are we not thinking and being intentional with our words?  They matter.  Cinthia also read II Timothy 3:1-5, which states, “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty.  For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.  Avoid such people.” 

Our character is formed by pleasure and pain.  Cinthia recited the poem “Along the Road” by Robert Browning Hamilton, which poignantly describes having learned deeply from sorrow what could not be learned from pleasure.  Pleasure often moves us to do what is base, often giving us the excuse of avoiding pain.  Pain, however, can move us to do what is noble.  Pain reveals who we are and changes us into what we will be, for good or for evil.  The things that cause us pain reveal what we value; Plato stated, “Man needs to be so trained from his youth as to find pleasure and pain in the right objects.”  This training of our affections, our passions, is the work of building virtue.  Until we get to heaven, we will always be dealing with pleasure and pain.  How do you manage pleasure?  How do you manage pain?  Pain is necessary to create courage.  When we refuse to face pain, we become cowards.  A cure is often effected by administering the opposite of the disease, but the antidote can be more painful than the disease.  This is frustrating.  We can become more base because of pain and so seek pleasure above all else, or we can learn to deal well with pain instead of seeking solace in our vices.  We can develop character in order to see the world clearly and still have the virtue of love that God demonstrated when He died for the world. 

More Than A Wedding

Today Cinthia discusses the Wedding at Cana (John2:1-11) during which Jesus performed His first miracle on earth.  The fact that Jesus performed His first miracle at a family event – a wedding, specifically – and at the request of a family member, has significance.  The Bible calls Jesus the Bridegroom and the Church His Bride.  God loves and values family, and we are His family.  However, this account also shows us Jesus as a man (yes, also God, but still a man) and a son and family member.  It gives great insight into gender issues, as well as our approach to God and His to us.  So how did Jesus respond as a man to His female family member?

Jesus, as a male human being with a male brain, gave an initial response that indicated the problem Mary described was not naturally significant to Him in His role as a wedding guest.  Cinthia explored several translations and paraphrases of His response, all of which seemed to indicate that He did not see the problem as one He needed to solve as a human attending someone else’s wedding.  He was not the one throwing the feast, and it was not yet time for His miraculous ministry as the Son of God.  He basically said, “Right now, I’m just a man at a feast.  What does this problem have to do with me?”  

Men often see things very differently than women do, and this is okay.  Women can learn from Mary not to be hurt when a man does not initially see a problem in the same way she does.  Mary went to Jesus, her son, and communicated about a very specific need.  She told Him what the problem was, asking Him for help.  She did not become wounded when He responded honestly.  (Cinthia noted that men often say no first and relent later, while women often do the opposite.)  Then she let Him solve it.  She didn’t make several suggestions about the best way for Him to do this, when He needed to do it, etc.  Mary shows us how to communicate with a good man.  Having told Him specifically about the problem, she left the issue with Him and did not try to control the process; she just trusted that He would care about the fact that she was asking Him for help.

And He did.  Jesus saw that this problem, which may not have seemed relevant to Him as a Man or significant in the bigger picture, was important to Mary.  He responded honestly to her about how He saw the problem, but, because it mattered to her, Jesus made it important to Him.  He not only involved Himself in what mattered to Mary but did about it immeasurably more than she asked Him to do. 

Jesus showed us that God responds to us and cares about what is important to us.  He may not always do things in the timing we initially request, but He does care and will give revelation about timing, significance, etc., when we talk to Him about the problem.  As Mary went directly to Jesus, we need to go to God first, only then asking other people for help.  Start with the vertical and only then proceed to the horizontal.

Jesus also showed us here what it means to be a good man dealing with His family.  Some things seem important to a woman that do not seem important to a man.  Jesus gave Mary His honest perspective, but He did not try to talk her out of her need, nor did He belittle it.  Jesus made the problem His concern because it was important to her, and He did more for her than she asked – giving more wine than was needed and making it of the highest quality -- because He valued her.  This, explains Cinthia, is love.  Cinthia continues, “Men, you are the leader, the protector, the provider, the covering.  Follow the lead of your Savior, and help the women in your life.  Make their lives easier [with] kindness, gentleness, mercy when you’re not understanding why this is so important to the woman that you love.”

This first miracle revealed His glory, and His disciples believed in Him.  They had been walking with Him for some time at this point, but, apparently, they had not yet fully believed in Him.  You are in good company when you have trouble believing that God will do something.  Don’t shame yourself over doubt.  It is hard to believe in something you cannot see.  It is hard to believe in something that others have messed up and misrepresented.

As noted, Jesus’s first miracle during His life on earth was at a wedding, a family event that created a new branch of family, and was at the request of a family member.  Family is very important to God.  When you belong to God, you are His family.  He will not reject you, deride you, or say “no” simply out of laziness or spite.  His timing is perfect.  He loves you more than anything.  He wants you to be healed, completed, etc.  He will act on your behalf. 

The Ignore-Delete Button

Today Cinthia explains a tool she uses, one we all need in our heads: the ignore/delete button.  This idea is a way of choosing not to dwell on actions (our own or those of others) that cause us to become overly or unnecessarily upset, judgmental, arrogant, self-loathing, or agitated.  Cinthia likes to picture her ”button” in the back of her head so she can physically tip her head when she uses it – a physical exercise that uses muscle memory to help her reset her perspective. 

If this surprises you or sounds unhealthy, perhaps reminding you of denial, minimization, or acceptance of abusive behavior, understand that this is a selective tool; it is not meant for use on everything.  The ignore/delete button is a gift from God, one that we learn to use by watching how He uses His own ignore/delete button.  God always knows, always sees, always hears, always feels; He is aware.  And yet He stays in relationship with His creation and manages not to kill us all instantly.  How does He do this?  Having provided for the atonement of our sins on the cross, how does He continue to handle a world that is not yet perfected?  How does He stay in relationship with people that, even when redeemed, are sinful, immature, and sometimes just obnoxious? 

Cinthia explains that God is the Master of appropriate ignoring and deleting.  There are some things He cannot ignore; the Flood, for example, happened because God could not ignore what was happening on Earth.  Also consider Psalm 109.  There are other things He ignores for now but address later in His timing.  There are things He deletes in His forgiveness, not holding them against us forever, but does not ignore because He loves us too much not to address the things that harm us and others.  And there are things He ignores and deletes, forgiving us and choosing not to openly and currently address every single sin we commit in the process of our lives on earth.  God does not excuse or acquiesce to our sin, but He does cover us while we are in the process of overcoming sin in His strength.

We, also, can hone the skills of appropriate ignoring and deleting.  We can choose not to focus on the one small dot that mars the otherwise blank sheet of paper.  We can enjoy sinful, annoying, unhealthy, compulsive, messed-up people, including ourselves, by selectively practicing the arts of ignoring and deleting.  This can strengthen our relationships and free us not to make an issue out of every little thing.  There are some things we should confront, and some information is helpful for addressing the situation.  However, if we decide not to confront a particular situation, we can let the information go.  We accept what we cannot change so we can allow for process while sin is being overcome and conquered.  This is different from protecting sin itself.

So how do we know what to ignore, what to delete, when to do both, and when to do neither?  Cinthia offered some questions we can ask.  For example, “Is this behavior unusual for the person, or is it a pattern?”  I might be able to let go and simply move on from a one-time mistake, sin, comment, decision, etc. (e.g., becoming intoxicated one time), while it might be more important to address a pattern (e.g., drinking too much on a regular basis).  “Do I know this person well enough to become involved in addressing the behavior?”  Some behaviors and behavior patterns may merit action but still not be our business.  “Is this the time to deal with the situation?”  There may be some things we temporarily ignore but plan to address at a particular, more appropriate time.  However, if I have to ignore and delete too many things in a very close relationship, I may have to reconsider the nature of that relationship. 

The ignore/delete button has many useful functions.  It can be especially helpful in interacting with people whose value system is different from our own.  Again, if we are not going to confront something, perhaps we should ignore and/or delete it rather than dwelling endlessly on what we cannot change.  Sometimes we have to repeat the deleting process, especially if we continue to decide not to confront the situation.  This is not the same as accepting the behavior or tolerating it going forward.  Even if I decide to leave a situation, I can use ignore/delete to protect my own brain, attitude, etc.  Some things are not worth our time and emotions.  Not everything has to be addressed, figured out, analyzed, etc.  If I can’t change it, there are some things from which we can just move forward. 

Ignoring and deleting can help us bring our minds under the peace of God’s protection.  Cinthia discussed several aspects of Psalm 91 and noted that God protects and defends us, even from His righteous anger and from ourselves.  She quoted, “I rest in the shadow of the Almighty, and I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in Whom I trust.’”  She stated, “My God belongs to me, and I to Him.”  Focusing on this reality helps the central nervous system and reorients us.  He is our refuge, even from ourselves.  We can always trust Him even though He can’t always trust us.  While we may trust other humans at a human-to-human level, our trust in God is much more profound and is unique to Him.  This provides the foundation to reset our perspectives by ignoring or deleting things that are not helpful or healthy for us to think about at a given time.

Cinthia also discussed Psalm 37 and Philippians 4:8.  The ignore/delete button can help us to actively practice grace and mercy.  Mercy has to do with kindness and compassion; it is often seen in the context of God not punishing us as our sins deserve, but delivering us from His own just judgment.  Grace has to do with kindness and compassion and also carries the idea of bestowing a gift or favor, extending blessing to one not worthy of it.  Are you willing to humble yourself enough to receive grace?  Don’t snag on your own pride or attempt to fix things on your own out of shame; shame and pride are both enemies of grace.  Forgiveness is the cure for yourself and others.  Cinthia also quoted from Psalm 73:28: “But as for me, the nearness of God is good for me.  I have made the Lord God my refuge so that I may tell of all your works.”  Ignoring and deleting the right things helps us enjoy the nearness of God and make Him our refuge.