Conversations with Cinthia

Why Can't I Believe in You?

Today Cinthia continues a conversation she began a few weeks ago with the episode “Why Don’t You Believe Me?”  Trust is impacted by many factors on both sides of a relationship, and it is difficult to sort out when our fears indicate legitimate warning signs about another person and when they signal our own trust issues or immaturity.  (And sometimes both can be involved!)

Believing anything is always a risk.  The only thing that is sure is God, and we have a lot of trouble trusting Him.  But some trust is better-placed than other trust.  How do we know whether our disbelief is warranted? 

A commitment to reality is important here.  Deciding we can trust someone just because we hope we can gives us little foundation for confidence; trusting based only on our own hope is not a strong plan.  Trust is different than liking someone, and trusting someone does not ensure that they will become what we want them to be.  However, believing someone is always a risk, and waiting for a guarantee of the future will mean we never engage in relationship.  So when we have some real evidence that someone is trustworthy, we have the option to “trust but verify,” to trust while we wait and see. 

Have you ever been “beaten up” emotionally because of someone’s fears?  It really isn’t your responsibility to make another person feel safe, though it is your responsibility to be a safe person.  In any relationship, even with ourselves or God, trust is scary.  Fear is a very powerful emotion, and we have to respect fear to a certain extent.  We have to accept it when someone else is afraid, and, when their concerns are based on things we have done or neglected to do, we need to address this.  We should not demand trust when we have not earned it.  But sometimes people come after us because of their own fear.  Sometimes people just stay afraid no matter what we do, and we reach the what-more-can-I-do stage.  Sometimes the relationship ends by the time the person finally trusts.  When people don’t trust your intentions and keep testing you over and over again, it is important not to let your own reality become skewed.  Remind yourself that that person is having a feeling.  That does not necessarily mean it is true.  Jesus had to die for us before people they believed in His love, even though people needed to believe in Him.  We still struggle with the question of whether He loves us after everything He does for us.  It is exhausting to constantly have to prove yourself. 

If you are the one afraid, recognize where your fear is coming from.  Is it about this person because they have given me reason to fear, or even because I don’t know them well yet, or is the fear coming from me because of past hurt?  Take responsibility when your alarm systems are about the past and not about the person in front of you.  Differentiate between the person in front of you and the person who hurt you, especially if they remind you of that person.  Don’t let the person who harmed you get in the way.  Kids constantly want more justification for their belief in you; if you are not a little kid, don’t let your brain believe the fear. 

This applies to our relationships with God, as well.  Cinthia explains that she knows she believes in God, that she can hold Him accountable for His words, that He welcomes her challenging Him, and that she does not disrespect Him.  But that does not mean she always feels like she can trust Him or feels like she believes Him, etc., because it’s not just about feelings.  Do you have history with God?  Christ?  The Holy Spirit?  Your friends?  Your doctor?  Your neighbors?  Your spouse?  Can you relax with that person even when you are having an off-day, or does your trust in them change with the wind?  Do you only believe when your feelings line up, or when you get your way?  You can’t have relationship without some level of trust that overrides the up and down feelings.  Cinthia explains, “We trust people more than we trust God.  And I’m with you on it --- I like to be able to see what I’m trusting, too.  I want it to manifest in front of me.  I want it to be a sure thing because I don’t want to get hurt.  But these are important risks to take.”  She explains that, despite her struggles, she keeps putting herself back on track, redoing her thought processes, holding herself accountable for what she chooses to believe.  And, she says, God understands her struggles: “He knows I struggle with belief.  He doesn’t take it personally.  He doesn’t get offended.” 

One of the most beautiful things in life is to be able to trust the person that you love and have them trust you.  But trust takes time and work.  Sometimes people will disappoint our expectations.  We can trust more when we learn to deal with disappointment because, if we truly believe someone, we can be harmed, hurt, let down.  Even with God, we sometimes have expectations for Him, and He does not always do what we want Him to do or what we assume or hope He will do.  But what if we don’t believe in anyone, which often means we don’t really trust ourselves?  Belief in something does not make things true, but neither does not believing in them.  We need to be able to relax and enjoy the life we have.  If people let us down occasionally, we can heal.  It is childlike to constantly let trust go up and down with our feelings, and we will get very scared.  Immature relationships can sometimes be recognized by constant questioning (though there are other presentations of this, as well).

Some of our trust in God has to be based on the belief that He knows things we don’t, and we will have to be willing to engage with Him honestly and respectfully when we have real feelings.  Even with fallible human beings, trust is not impossible, though it involves learning to expect integrity and not perfection (e.g., the willingness to acknowledge and fix mistakes rather than the ability to never make them).  Even when we claim not to trust anyone, we get through our days by maintaining some level of trust in our cars, our jobs, the grocery clerk, the bank system, the chairs on which we sit.  We go to sleep trusting that we will wake up.  We can trust while we are waiting to see what is going to happen.  Think about the areas of your life in which you do trust.

Reality can feel harsh, but we need to live in it.  Believing in anything is a risk, but not believing in anything doesn’t make reality easier.  Trust takes time.  We have to see the evidence.  It isn’t about whether they are doing it perfectly; it’s about time and overall trustworthiness.  There is not a person on the planet who will never hurt you.  We are so vulnerable when we trust, and we have to heal from the wounds when we get hurt.  But difficulty with trust can move into other areas of our lives. 

Ultimately, the adult parts of our selves have to make the choices about who to trust rather than allowing our younger parts to decide this.  The adult parts of us have to look for trustworthiness, not perfection.  They have to consider issues like compatibility, communication, respect, and fixing mistakes, as well as emotional intelligence and attempts to understand your perspective.  Only you can decide to take a risk on a given relationship.  Every human is a risk.  However, relationship is a wonderful thing on which to risk.  It is worth being hurt sometimes to have basically-healthy human relationships.  So trust while waiting.  If you have a hard time trusting God, talk to Him about it.  Tell Him all the reasons.  He really loves to come into that conversation. 

Made in the Image of God

Today Cinthia discussed what it means that we as human beings are made in the image of God.  We say all kinds of things about ourselves, and not all of the things we say are true.  We work hard to define ourselves, to figure out who we are and grasp some kind of identity for ourselves.  But these attempts will never make us free until they line up with the truth about ourselves, which is rooted in Who God is and who He says we are.  We look around for those we can emulate, but, until we know and emulate our Creator, we will not figure out how to be our unique selves.  The more we know God, the more we will want to be like Him, and the more we are like Him, the more we will be the unique creation He meant us to be.

Cinthia discussed some of her own struggles to figure out her identity.  She was adopted into a family with which she had little in common in terms of appearance, giftings, etc.  She felt, she says, like she was on a train called “life” and did not know how she got on it, where it was going, or where she was supposed to get off of it.  She even perceived herself to be on this train fraudulently, to be on the planet by some unplanned accident so that God had to figure out what to do with her now that she was here.  Living under the weight of this, Cinthia worked hard to “be something” to justify her existence.  But one day, after many, many conversations about this with God, after repeatedly telling him how she felt and what she thought about it all, Cinthia heard God say to her, “Now you know where you came from.  You came from Me.”  Learning to see God as her reference point and to ask Him who He meant her to be changed life drastically for Cinthia, although it has been a process.

While Cinthia’ particular struggle may be most resonant for those who have been adopted, all of us struggle with identity.  Some of this relates to family issues; we may not see ourselves as having much in common with our biological families or may identify with them strongly, happily or not.  We are adopted into God’s family through Jesus, and we don’t always know how to relate to this family.  But, regardless of our experiences with those who reared us or those around us now, human beings struggle to define ourselves (and some might say our society has particular difficulties with this because we are so concerned with defining ourselves individually) because each of us was created by God to be something we cannot understand without Him.  Each of us was His idea, and He was happy that He made each of us.  Regardless of connections with family members or similarities and differences with them, we are still one-time-occurring creations, and there is no one like anyone else.  Until we connect our identities to their Source, we will lack the information and power we need to be who we were meant to be. 

In our society, people seem to be struggling with this more than ever.  People are even changing their bodies at drastic levels, but we are not our own creators.  We are not able to create who we want to be, whatever our society may tell us.  Human beings simply don’t have the tools to create themselves.  We have to learn to accept our status as created beings who were not consulted about who we were meant to be, but who are far more amazingly-designed than we realize or know.  Learning to trust our Creator with who we are is difficult because trust is difficult and because we tend to have ideas about who we are, some of which are not accurate and may cause pain.  But we start by learning to trust God when He says we were beautifully and wonderfully made and that He was glad when He made us.  Until we believe Him and ask Him what He had in mind for us, we will not find peace with who we are.

You have to find out who you are, and you have to do it by going to your Creator.  Ask Him why He made you.  Even if you identified with your family or were like them in many ways, you are still the only one of you.  (Even identical twins do not have the same fingerprints!)  You are truly original, and you have to find out who you are.  You came straight from God, from His heart, soul, and mind.  He wanted to make you, and He did.  That is where you come from.  He wants to be with you forever.  Think about that: God made you because He wants to be with you forever.  Although He has taken great care with the particulars of your life, God created you for eternity, not just for this life.  He wanted to get you here more than He wanted to make it “the right time” for everyone else.  He used this fallen world to get you into existence, and that for Himself.  The first step in knowing who you are is to know Him; the second is to know the level of value He places on you.

Cinthia explained, “If I know God, I know myself better.  If I act more like God, I like myself better.”  Cinthia offered several verses (Revelation 22:13, Colossians 1:15-17, Isaiah 44:6-8) to help us begin looking at this.  He is the First and the Last.  We look at the Son and see the God Who cannot be seen.  We see His original purpose that He started in Him and holds together in Him.  He is the God of Angel Armies. He is all-seeing, all-knowing, and all-powerful.  God is the Doer.  Then she discussed Genesis 1:26-7, which explain that we were made in His image, in the image of the Trinity.  She likens this realization to what it was like for her as an adult who had been placed for adoption in infancy to meet her biological family, to have an “aha” moment in which she realized she looked like them, shared traits with them, and suddenly made sense to herself in ways she had never understood. 

God is behind relational success.  God wants us in relationship with Him first and then with others.  This is why relationships impact us deeply whether we are engaging in them or avoiding them, and it is why our relationship with God is foundational to our self-images and to the health of our other relationships, while our self-images other relationships are significant concerns to God.  He made us like Himself, and we can borrow His ways of doing relationship.  Unfortunately, sin makes us less and less like Him.  We are left with our reference point.  God wants us to be like Him, not the other way around.  This is why verses like Matthew 19:4 actually give us permission to be who we are.  God did not miss something when He created you; He made you the way that He made you on purpose.  What you have learned about who you are, what you believe about who you are, what others think about who you are -- those things can be mistaken.  But God is not mistaken about how He made you.

Cinthia elaborated by listing some specific ways God made us to be like Him.  We are creative, wishing to continue, expand, and express ourselves.  We are relational.  We are spiritual with a desire for spiritual connection, knowing there is more and desiring to question.  We are emotional beings.  (Yes, God has emotions!  We see that He has always had the capacity for happiness, sadness, and anger, though we do not see Him experiencing the emotion of fear until He became human as Jesus.  God is very emotional and not at all insecure, but, as a human, He opened Himself to this experience.  Even Jesus first indicates fear at facing the cross.  What a brave and strong friend we have in Jesus.)  We have choice.  And there are more ways!

Go to God.  Ask Him Who He is and how He wants you to learn this, and be willing to pursue knowing Him as He wants to be known.  Ask Him who you are, who He meant you to be.  Then get to know yourself, to be yourself more fully based on the design by which you were made.  This is what it means to be yourself, and it comes not by performance for Him but through relationship with Him.  Walk with Him, and be everything He dreamed of you being.

Don't Judge the Addict

Today’s title is one that requires some definitions.  First of all, what is an addict?  What is addiction?  Addiction has more than one definition but usually involves becoming physically or psychologically dependent on a substance; it can sometimes apply to compulsive involvement in behavior, such as gambling or sexual compulsions.  Not all habits necessarily qualify as addictions. 

At some level, we are all prone to addictions, but some people are much more prone to them than others.  Genetics plays a key role in setting up proclivities to addiction.  Trauma also influences addictions by taking away someone’s ability to regulate his or her internal world.  Anxiety and depressive disorders can create or increase vulnerability to addictions.  Chronic pain and severe injury including head injury, can set up a person for addiction, especially if treatment for these ailments involves narcotics or other controlled substances.  We cannot tell just by looking at a person all the factors that may put that person at risk for addictions, and shaming them for being addicted is generally not helpful.  Addiction is an affliction, not something people plan to have.

There is a difference between dependence and addiction, though one can lead to the other.  A person who depends on a particular medication is not necessarily dealing with an addiction.  Sometimes the body cannot do for itself what it needs to do, and medications can be used appropriately to help with this.  Some people become dependent on medications that make their bodies function properly without becoming truly addicted, and sometimes we do not know all that is involved in another person’s medical care plan.  However, dependence can lead to addiction, and signs of this can include lessening attempts to find other coping skills and ways to be healthy.  At this time in history, we have an unprecedented opportunity to use pharmaceuticals in life-giving ways, but it can be very difficult to know how and when to do this.  Medications that were originally meant to help people can sometimes work their way into hearts, minds, souls, relationships, and lifestyles so that they destroy the people they were meant to help and harm others in addition.

Another term in today’s title is the word “judge.”  The phrase “do not judge” is frequently cited as coming from Jesus, though not always with proper understanding of the context in which He said this.  In Matthew 7:1-6, Jesus told us not to judge lest we be judged.  The compassion He showed and shows to sinners like us shows us how important a statement like this is to Him.  In our society, however, we sometimes misuse the phrase “Don’t judge,” using the authority of Jesus’s words to mean, “Don’t tell me I’m wrong,” or to imply that all behaviors must be accepted as equally moral.  But Jesus went on to tell us not to give dogs what is sacred or cast our pearls before pigs.  A few verses later He warned against false prophets.  How are we to obey the latter verses without making some kind of judgments?  In fact, the Bible says not to judge ourselves.  How, then, can we make behavioral decisions for ourselves?

The answer lies in the difference between judging behavior and judging a person’s heart, between determining that a behavior is harmful (or potentially harmful) and making negative assumptions about what is happening inside a person, between setting boundaries and shaming people.  Jesus says in John 7:24, “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”  So, in the verses in Matthew, “do not judge” does not mean that love should be blind or undiscerning; on the contrary, loving well requires even more discernment than the kind of judging Jesus forbids.  It is healthy and right to recognize that some behaviors are harmful and wrong.  It is loving to want someone to be the best version of himself or herself and to encourage this in appropriate ways.  Wisdom often sees where particular behavioral patterns are leading, and love can motivate us to set limits with ourselves and others to avoid or minimize the harm that may be approaching.  Sometimes boundaries are necessary and healthy, and they can be set in ways that are not inherently shaming (though, for some people, encountering any kind of boundary activates their own inner shame).  Even deciding at last to walk away from an unhealthy situation can be done in kinder ways than simply ignoring or avoiding the person. 

So today’s title and message can be expanded to the following: “Don’t judge the addict; judge the behaviors.”  Judging behaviors well may lead us to encourage someone to get help or make changes, to pray for them and encourage them.  Judging behaviors well may sometimes lead us to accept that another person has free will and that the only healthy option we have is to walk away from a situation we cannot change.  Other people may sometimes confuse these things with judging in the way Jesus said not to judge, and, truthfully, it is often hard to keep our behavior judgments from intermingling with our sinful tendency to judge people’s hearts as if we were in the place of God.  But loving well requires that we learn to support one another in being the best versions of ourselves, not in using our freedom to justify doing things that cause real harm. 

There is a difference between an excuse, which attempts to justify inappropriate actions and make it okay to do things that are not okay, and an explanation, which simply attempts to help us understand the struggle.  Explanations may help us understand one another’s backstories, biologies, and battle strategies.  Exploring the root may help us find a solution. 

The Bible is clear about truth.  Truth is inseparable from God’s character.  Anything that contradicts the truth is a lie.  To call something a lie or a sin is to pass on that thing, but only God can pass judgment on the person engaged in that thing.  Sometimes we don’t want to know or act on the truth God shows us, but that doesn’t mean we can redefine truth.

If you are struggling with an addiction, do not stop trying.  Don’t give up.  Don’t stop reaching out for help.  You have the rest of your life to live, and it honors God to continue seeking Him and accepting the help He provides in our struggles.  It can be hard for humans to deal with our own freedom; we are free to choose our behaviors but not necessarily to choose their outcome.  Sometimes the things we choose are more powerful than we realized they would be.  Jesus does not break bruised reeds or snuff out smoldering wicks (Isaiah 42:3, Matthew 12:20), and His desire is not to shame you.  But neither does He want you to use phrases like “Don’t judge me” to dismiss the reality that you are more than the addictions that haunt you.  Jesus took our sins, sicknesses, and afflictions on Himself when He died for us; He knows better than anyone how heavy they are and how much they hurt.  If you are His (or if you turn to Him now), He will not leave you to struggle by yourself; He will be with you.

If you are not sure whether you are struggling with an addiction, consider some of the following questions: Are you habitually breaking God’s law by doing things He says not to do?  Are you breaking human laws?  Are your relationships suffering, or are you becoming more isolated?  Are you lying, hiding, or deceiving to avoid having your behaviors criticized or limited?  Just because something feels valid or justified does not necessarily make it healthy.  Is there a pattern to what you are doing or when you are doing it?  Is it harming your physical or psychological health?  Is the thing that was intended as a solution actually causing more distress or impairment?  Are you doing more than you used to do? 

If someone you love is struggling with an addiction, remember that there is a difference between judging a person and judging behavior.  Jesus gives us permission to make judgement calls on doctrines and deeds, and we are responsible for setting limits accordingly.  Judging whether to hand someone your keys, or even judging whether you can continue to be in relationship with a person in his or her current state of decision-making, is not the same as judging the person’s heart.  But negative assumptions about the person’s heart, etc., are.  You can set boundaries in response to the person’s choices, and you can set boundaries in your own mind regarding how you will think about the situation, what conclusions you will draw, etc.  Ask God to help you deal with the hurt without resorting to hatred.  Accept help from Him and from wise others in determining what limits you need to set.  You are not God, and this means both that you are not the person’s judge and that you have your own limits.  You cannot rescue the person any more than you can judge the heart.  Compassion and codependency are not the same thing.

No matter what role you currently occupy in these scenarios, remember that we are not even the judges of ourselves.  God the only Judge.  But He does give us plenty of wisdom for evaluating our own behaviors.  Ask yourself the question, “Who is going to parent me?”  You have freedom to make your decisions, but you cannot choose the outcome of those decisions.  We are held accountable for what we have done.  God wants to make you into the kind of person He wants you to be.  He made you, and He also understands the ingredients He put into you.  He gives us the free will and the strength to say “yes,” “no,” or “wait” to ourselves.  Learn how to judge your own behaviors for your own benefit.  The adult part of you should gently question the wisdom of your actions at times. Be kind to yourself and others as you do this because God is kind.  Humans are a risk.  Take the risk of being the best version you can be.  You are a one-time occurring person, and you only get one life.  What meaning does God want to create with that life?

Easter Twilights (Replay of 4-9-23)

Twilight seems like a wisp of time; it comes and goes and is gone.  It occurs twice a day, bookending the days and nights.  Is this simply an accident of the Earth’s rotation and revolutions around the sun?  Nothing God creates is without meaning and purpose, and twilight, Cinthia explains, is a beautiful gift to us. 

Cinthia explored dictionary definitions of twilight as (for example) “the diffused light from the sky during early evening or morning when the sun is below the horizon and its light is refracted by the earth’s atmosphere.”  Twilight is a time of transition; it gives us time to reflect on the day we have had and to move into night, or to come awake and move into the day.  It is the in-between time when things are ambiguous, obscured, winding up or winding down.  It can be calming, and it can be invigorating.  Imagine life without twilight, life in which darkness fell suddenly as we were driving and dawn broke all at once on our sleeping eyelids.  Twilight gives us the time to adjust, to prepare, to change with the rhythm of the day.

Photographer Jacob Lucas has written about the under-appreciated and under-utilized light that comes through the atmosphere at twilight.  This is not just one type of light, either, but breaks into three phases in each twilight.  Civil twilight happens when the sun is just below the horizon and allows for seeing the brightest stars and planets and well as the horizon and objects on earth.  The light is mostly gold and pink.  Nautical twilight is the time when the sun is a bit further from the horizon; light dissipates more quickly, making details harder to see and silhouettes more realistic for capturing on film.  Astronomical twilight is the closest to darkness, and capturing handheld images is nearly impossible in its light.

The concept of twilight can extend past the natural, however.  Spiritual and emotional or psychological twilights can exist, as well.  can be natural, spiritual, emotional/psychological.

Cinthia explored the twilights involved in the Passion of Jesus.  It was likely sunset as He moved into the Last Supper with His disciples, a time when He washed the feet of His betrayer and tried to tell His friends the last things He wanted them to know before His death.  Twilight led Him into the dark night in which He would sweat blood in Gethsemane, receive His betrayer’s kiss, face the soldiers and officials, and begin six grueling trials that included periods of torture and went through dawn (the second twilight of the Passion).  That morning He carried His cross to the Place of the Skull and was nailed there, but a different kind of twilight came when the darkness of night fell at noon.  That afternoon, another strange twilight came when He committed His Spirit into the hands of His Father; the earth quaked, the veil in the temple was torn in two, and Jesus died.  The darkness was over, but twilight returned as His body was buried at sunset. 

This is what God does with us everyday in little and big pieces.  We go through hours, days, seasons, pregnancies, job trajectories, the raising of children, the nurturing of relationships.  We experience process after process; we live in process and go through a multitude of transitions.  These twilights include times it is really dark and times when we see things in clearer, more beautiful lights than we have previously done.  God walks us through these processes with great intentionality.  He

Jesus was fully present every moment of His life on earth, though we are usually not.  Twilight is an especially important time to be present because it eases us into the next phases of our life. Twilight is a gentleness from God, a kindness He gives us even though we resist it at times.

What twilight are you in?  Is something beginning?  Is something starting to end?  Is there a transition on the horizon?  Stop and hear God saying that He is with you in the process.  Accept God’s grace as He leads you into the change.  Be present in twilight.

Twilight is God’s kindness to lead us into change gradually.  There are some changes that are more abrupt, but don’t skip over the transition time He gives you.  Don’t refuse His kindness in leading you through the process His way.  God is creating this process for you to be able to get to the other side safely.

Human beings were designed to need rhythms of work and rest, expansion and contraction, sleep and wakefulness, obscurity and discovery.  We need times of preparation and times of repose.  God knows His creation and its need for seasons and rest.  Even He rested on the seventh day after He created the world, showing us this pattern and giving it to us for our sake.  The work was good, He showed us, but the rest was holy.  The Sabbath commandment gets transgressed more than any other, and it has been distorted in every direction.  But its original intent was to strengthen us, and it will still do this if we allow it.  God even gave laws to the Israelites that allowed the land to rest so it could produce more later.

Rest is vulnerable.  Rather than trust the Lord, we often want to keep working and pushing.  But breaking natural laws brings consequences.  When we fight against the physiology of our bodies, we will lose.  We will weaken ourselves and miss the healing, the restoration.  We will start too soon, end too soon, or not start or end at all.  Cinthia explains, I need to trust the One Who died for me.  If I resist doing my day, my life, I may miss some hardships but also steal from myself the blessings that are waiting for me.

Twilight often requires us to go through the grief and loss process.  Sometimes this is because we are experiencing deep loss.  Sometimes we even have to grieve the loss of something good for something better. 

Just as we did not create twilight, we cannot depend on ourselves to travel through it.  Cinthia explains a practice she uses to focus herself and experience her position with God more fully.  The Jesus Prayer, which is more than 1,500 years old, goes like this: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”  Cinthia is one of many believers who have practiced repeating this inside her heart and mind, inhaling during the first half of the sentence and exhaling on the second half.  She wholeheartedly recommended this practice, not because God needs our repetition to hear us, but because we need the repetition to humble ourselves, to ask unceasingly for the mercy He has already given us.  God’s destiny for us is always good but not always comfortable.  We need His mercy to come through it.

God has not forgotten us when we are in twilight.  He knows what He is doing even when He allows something good to end or allows us to go into dark nights of the soul.  He leads us to surrender as Jesus did: “Not my will but Thy will be done.”  Often we find that surrender initiates morning twilight, but He is with us the whole time before that, too.  Read Psalm 23.  He will walk us through until we are ready for the full light of day.  Then, after such a night, it is time to rise.  When that time comes, we can trust Him for that, too.  When He raised Lazarus from the dead, Jesus made sure the stone was rolled away and then shouted for him to come forth.  There is a time when the cock crows, signaling dusk or dawn.  Hear the voice of the Lord calling you to come forth, and know that it is time.

Where are you in this process?  Have you been in the tomb too long?  Are you refusing to come forth?  Are you needing to stop and reflect but wanting to do something to feel better instead?  What twilight are you in?  Are you ignoring it, lengthening it, trying to get out of it too quickly?  Honor God’s timing, and return to the natural rhythm of how He made us to be.  Twilight is the transition that moves us into the next phase of our calling.  It makes us slow down and find Jesus.  Twilight is crucial.  Don’t miss it.

Why Don't You Believe Me?

Have you ever told the truth and yet not been believed?  Have you ever struggled to know whether to believe someone else?  Distrust can be painful on both sides, but knowing what to believe can be difficult.  Today Cinthia tackles the dual topic of trusting and being trusted, starting with the statement that everything is a risk. 

Trust is necessary for life, and trust is always a risk.  Belief in anything is a risk, but no one can take a step without putting his weight somewhere.  Even our day-to-day tasks require trust in objects, systems, and people.  Relationships require trust, and all of us have had variable experiences trusting others. 

That said, some people are better risks than others; some people show us that they are more trustworthy, while others show us that they are not.  Are you a good risk for other people?  What do you show others with your life?  First, make sure that you are a good risk.  Don’t pretend.  If people are trusting you, they are risking on you.  If people are talking to you, they are risking on you.  Be a good risk.

Wanting to be trusted is a risk because it hurts to want trust and not receive it, especially when one has worked hard to be trustworthy.  God takes that risk with us.  He is completely trustworthy; we can take Him at His Word.  He even engages with us as we challenge Him, though we should not disrespect Him.  But still we question Him over and over, struggling to believe He exists, wondering if He loves us, grasping for control of our lives because we trust our own plans more than we trust His.  Jesus’s disciples did not really understand or trust His love until after He had died for them and come back to life, and even then they struggled with doubt, confusion, and the need for reassurance.  Human beings have a tendency to think in terms of “If (fill in the blank), then I would really know that he/she loves me.”  We keep trying to figure out the real test that will finally hold down our fear.   But this is dangerous because it is based on our own imaginations; the things we think will satisfy us often do not do so.

It takes humility to continue to engage with someone who struggles with trust when you are not the one who wounded them.  In this situation, focus on kindness and try not to make the person’s other-inflicted wounds worse.  The person may have hurt from the past; maybe the person does not know how to get the help he or she needs.  At some point, if the person consistently refuses to risk trusting you no matter how much you demonstrate that you are trustworthy, it may become hard or impossible to have a relationship with that person.  Relationship requires risk.

Sometimes, however, another person’s mistrust in us comes from our own actions.  When we have lied to someone, been untrustworthy in a relationship, neglected someone, wounded or harmed someone in some way, etc., it may take a long time to regain trust—perhaps much longer than we hoped.  It may take longer than seems fair to the one who committed the offense, and the one who is trying to trust again may become more comfortable, only to start questioning again and need further transparency and amends.  Sometimes trust has to be re-earned minutes, days, and again years later.  If you have wounded someone deeply, you may have to keep demonstrating your trustworthiness until that person is ok again. 

In the absence of glaring reasons not to trust another person, how can the average person decide whether to risk trusting that person?  Cinthia cited the old proverb, “Trust but verify.”  At some point, we all have to risk trusting someone, just as we have to take reasonable risks trusting our brakes, our chairs, our food, and so many other things.  It is impossible not to trust someone or something, and that always involves risk.  We only get to decide in what directions we point our risk-taking.  Believing in someone means that we can be let down, and that is very scary.  But we cannot have relationship without risk.  So we trust while waiting to see, and we increase trust as someone or something continues to prove trustworthy.  Consider how you would feel if you had to prove yourself time and time again without ever being believed, or without the person being able to hold onto his or her belief in you once you leave the room.  Do not keep your loved ones forever in limbo, always trying to earn your trust and never able to do so by any reasonable means.  Look for evidence of trustworthiness, but do not think any human being is going to be risk-free. 

So what does it mean to be trustworthy?  When the object of our potential trust is a flawed human being, perfection is not one of the options.  Unless the person you are trusting is Jesus, that person is going to mess up.  (And, for that matter, even though He never messed up, Jesus’s followers were repeatedly surprised, confused, and disillusioned when He did things differently when they were expecting Him to do.)  With flawed human beings, believing in someone does not necessarily mean you are shocked when that person messes up.  Trustworthiness in a flawed human being is more about whether the person is willing to acknowledge an error, take responsibility, and work to make things right.  Expecting perfection from other people will always disappoint us and will eventually drive others away from us.  Who wants to keep trying to gain trust when that trust is simply unattainable? 

So pay attention to glaring red flags, but also pay attention to the positive traits of the people in your life.  This will strengthen both you and them.  It will not necessarily make everything feel like it is going to be ok, but it can keep you from having to miss out on relationship entirely.  Look at the evidence as objectively as you can.  Find a good risk, and risk trusting.  Acknowledge that there is a level of risk and decide to go forward.  It is often the inner child that keeps demanding further proof, that keeps imagining he or she will finally feel secure if only the person does [fill in the blank].  The inner child is not the one to consult about these kinds of decisions.  Find the adult part of yourself, and go through the grief and loss process.  The adult part has to decide if another human is a good risk, and this involves risk to find out.  Sometimes we find out we were wrong.  You are going to be let down; we all are.  Trust is hard for everyone, and no one wants to be hurt.  But practice being an adult.  Acknowledge who you are trusting.  Distinguish between childish wishes and adult acceptance of reasonable risk.  Don’t just say no first and make others coax you into relationships.  Trying not to trust anyone is not a good life.  You have choices.  You can say yes, no, ask questions, etc.  Otherwise, you deprive yourself.  The fact for all of us is that, when we refuse ever to risk, we become problematic risks ourselves. 

There are situations, however, in which we do well to learn not to trust a particular person.  Sometimes people show us evidence that trusting them is not reasonable.  When this happens, we can acknowledge it and respond accordingly but still move forward in life with joy.  You can be ok, even if it takes time.  God made it possible to move through things, to heal, to keep moving.  You do not have to let that person’s choices tell you what everybody is like.  Are you letting the least-trustworthy people from your past tell you what all human beings are like?  If you have already discovered that those people were not worthy of your trust, they may not make good lenses through which to view the rest of the world. 

Ironically, despite the flawed nature of human beings and the perfection of God, we often trust people more than we trust God.  We view people as more of a sure thing because we can see them.  Do you have history with God?  Do you engage with Him?  Do you have reason to believe He is trustworthy?  Do you believe that He wants a relationship with you and that He is patient with your doubts?  Engage with Him.  He knows trust is always a risk, but that refusing ever to trust is always to risk even more.

Practice Makes Perfect, Right? (Replay of 3-12-23)

Practice makes perfect, right?  Well, that depends on what we are practicing.  Habits are powerful, and repetition makes them stronger.  This can be a huge advantage when we form and reinforce positive habits; it means we automatically do positive things without the decision fatigue that can come with making so many conscious decisions.  Habits are useful and efficient because they allow us to engage in our day-to-day lives without consciously engaging in a conscious decision-making process for every move we make.  Without them, it would be difficult to get through the day.  But this process can backfire when we form and reinforce negative habits because they become part of our automatic approach to life; they become natural to us.  Our bad habits are powerful and hard to change.

Humans develop habits of the heart, habits of the mind, and habits of the body.  Each can be positive or negative, and some can start as positive but become negative as they reach extremes or take on roles they were not meant to play.  Habits of the heart can include patience or impatience, forgiveness or unforgiveness, acceptance or obstinacy, kindness, cruelty, indifference, truthfulness, lying, and so many others.  Habits of the mind can include taking every thought captive (II Corinthians 10:5), policing your own thoughts, self-hatred/self-criticism, judgments of others, lying, and more.  Habits of the body can include reaching for a seatbelt or a cigarette, eating habits, use and misuse of alcohol, nicotine, or other drugs, engaging or not engaging in healthy behaviors like exercise or taking appropriate medications, and physical violence.  Each of these can be positive or negative, and our brains engage with each of these by forming neural nets that become triggered by context and lead us more easily into enacting that habit.  This means that each time we engage in one of these habits, we reinforce it for the next time.

Regarding thought habits, Cinthia cited Proverbs 23:7, which states, “As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is.”  She also recommended a book written by James Allen in 1903 called Dealing with the Power of Thought.  We become what we think.  What do you think within yourself?  Into what is it making you?  God’s thoughts are higher than ours. 

Habits can be changed, broken, and built, but doing so requires real commitment.  Starting is often the hardest part.  So first, consider your “why:” Why do you want to change this?  Intense change requires powerful motivation.  Incentives and rewards can help reinforce new habits, but engagement in the idea in the first place makes things much easier.  Next, consider the context and dynamics of the habit you want to change.  Put yourself in situations that make it easier to repeat the new habit and resist the old one.  Use your body to get where you need to be.  (For example, if you want to go to the gym but also do not want to go, just stand up.  Standing is not the same as going, and you can still not go once you stand up.  Then walk toward the door.  You still don’t have to go; just walk toward the door.  Perform one part of the process at a time without committing to the next step yet.)  As you progress in your habit formation, find a way to give yourself small rewards such as praise from an accountability partner.  Remove the barriers to success, and get some distance when you need it.  (For example, if you need to get away from the refrigerator, walk around the block, etc.)  Remind yourself that following the new path will get easier.  (Often new habits gain more power after about twenty-one days of consistent repetition.)  Be sure not to shame yourself; remember, your brain thinks it is helping you by trying to direct you toward old habits.  There are costs to new behaviors, such as paying more for vegetables than for unhealthy foods, so find ways to adjust to the costs.  Surround yourself with encouraging messages.  Speak a Bible verse into your phone and play it for yourself throughout the day.  And share the gift: help your children form good habits, positive routines, and healthy self-talk.

Dealing with the Past

The past is hard for everyone.  Some long for the past, while others want to erase or avoid it.  Many of us want to erase parts of our pasts while holding onto others.  But the key to dealing with the past is not romanticizing it or avoiding it; it is learning from it.  Cinthia states today that “time is either a guide into your future or a tormentor that can’t be changed.”  Which will you allow your past to be for you?

One of the reasons learning from the past can be tricky is that lots of factors impact our memory of it.  Neuroscientists have found that people rarely remember the past with perfect accuracy.  Sometimes family members seem to genuinely “remember” the same events very differently.  How do we know what is fact and what is simply our experience or perception?  One key is to be gentle with your past.  Remember, the goal is not to live in the past or use it to judge ourselves or others.  We do have to resist what we know is untrue.  Rewriting the past is not helpful.  We can face what we know and find the options we have with those things, like forgiving ourselves and others.  Without facing our pasts, we tend to try to redo the same things over and over again.  What do you need to learn in order to stop repeating the same mistakes and dynamics?  You can borrow from the past, but don’t live there.

We honor ourselves and the past when we learn things that help us going forward.  Are there things about your past you can clarify?  Time is something that we experience and observe.  It relates to sequential events and changes.  Memory of the past is useful when we learn from it but detrimental when we use it for self-flagellation.  The past is not for beating up ourselves or others.  Who do you need to forgive, including yourself? 

Address the past, but realize that you are in the present.  Repeating the same mistakes and dynamics, continually trying to get what we needed but did not get in the past, contaminates our future.  Resist the compulsion to redo everything; allow the past to be over, even while you face it.  Don’t ignore the past.  Do the work of self-forgiveness.  Judging our past actions and judging our past selves are different things, just as judging others’ actions and judging other human beings is different.  Be willing to learn and forgive. 

Remember, rules without relationships produce rebellion, and hypocrisy happens when we cannot live up to our own standards.  God wants to work with you.  He has seen your sin, your mistakes, your errors.  If He Who is perfect can face what you have done, He can help you to face it.  God has power and wisdom to work through all of this.  He is not torn between acknowledging the reality of your evil actions and loving you; He has solved that problem.  So how is God revealing Himself through you or to you?  Is He doing it through your strengths or weaknesses?  He wants us each to ask Him about what He is doing with us.  We all have things in our past.  But we don’t have to let that get in the way of what God wants to do through us.  Don’t let shame get in the way of having a relationship with Him.  Let Him lead you into being the version of you He intended you to be when He made you. 

Being in Charge of Your Own Brain

Today’s topic is the neuroplasticity of the brain and how we can use it to take charge of our own thought processes.  Cinthia opened today with a quote usually attributed to Albert Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.”  We see the problems that occur with repeating behaviors that are not working, but what about our thoughts?  Our brains create what are called “neural nets,” or networks of brain cells that learn to fire in succession in response to outside stimuli; these are often compared to superhighways in the brain.  This creates habits of thought that we often do not even notice because we are so used to them.  For example, the phone rings, and you see a particular name on the screen.  What thoughts go through your head automatically?  The stimulus happens, the thoughts begin… and, before you know it, you are traveling down that old familiar superhighway with its familiar assumptions and other habits of thought.  And every time you travel the highway, it gets reinforced, becoming more entrenched and powerful in your brain and your life.  Thus, our brains create these “crazy-fast” reactions to stimuli, but we can take control of this process and retrain our brains to respond differently.

Sarah Gibson has written about this concept with the old computer-inspired idea of GIGO: “Garbage in, garbage out.”  We can, she emphasizes, decide what ideas to feed ourselves.  We can decide which thoughts to dwell on.  We can reroute the garbage truck, so to speak, and actively work to take the “trash” out of our brains.  We can create bypasses to help us stop traveling the superhighways that are not helping us.  God made our brains to work for us, not against us.  Are you a lazy thinker?  Challenge your own thoughts and feelings.  Update and maintain your own roads.  Take responsibility for the roads you travel.  Clean up the negativities, the lies, the assumptions.  Reroute the garbage truck.  All of this is easier to say than to do, but it is well worth the work.

First, start to notice the neural nets that exist for you.  In what areas do you quickly find yourself starting down a familiar thought/feeling/reaction path?  Cinthia discussed her own struggle with mental “superhighways” related to an eating disorder that began early in her life; for her, there are still triggers to follow a mental track related to fears of being fat, triggers she has to consciously and intentionally resist.  We may have perceptions about why other people do what they do, and our thoughts on this reinforce our judgments and assumptions about others.  Some people have superhighways related to fears of trusting anyone.  Sometimes we think we know what will happen in a situation because we believe that is what “always” happens, but we may actually be overgeneralizing.  What are your superhighways?  What are your triggers to jump on those ramps, and what thoughts and feelings occur in response to those triggers? 

Once you identify some patterns, the first thing to do is learn to pause.  To continue our superhighway analogy, pull your mental “car” over into a safe spot and take a minute to examine what just happened and where you are now headed.  Question your immediate emotional response.  Seek different information.  Find out what else there is to know.  Clarify with the person who made a comment; what did they mean by that?  Remember, our brains create these “crazy-fast” reactions based on emotional response.  Remember, feelings are very real, but they are not always true.  Don’t believe everything you think!

We can retrain our reactions, but it is also important to recognize that some superhighways in our minds are so entrenched that we may struggle with them for a very long time, just as Cinthia described still having to resist eating-disordered thoughts decades after she has stopped living as an eating-disordered person.  Especially when we are dealing with roads that were formed when we were young or roads that were formed through trauma or deep wounding, roads we have traveled for years or as a way to avoid other painful roads, there may always be a first reaction, an impulse to get on the “ramp” toward the series of thoughts and behaviors the brain has learned to enact in response to parts of life. The brain may still go to the old road automatically, but, remember, you can teach your brain to hit the brakes before heading down the superhighway.  Work on construction of the new bypass system.  Every time you travel the old roads, you make them stronger, but every time you take yourself down a new path, you help to construct and strengthen that new route.  We have more control over our own thoughts than we give ourselves credit for.

One thing that can help us as we try to build new roads is a back-to-basics approach toward what is important.  This approach stresses simplicity, focuses on the essentials, and proactively moves us toward the things that make the most difference.  It helps us do what matters instead of getting bogged down in unnecessary complexity.  If you think simplifying life could help you, consider these practical steps:

1. Identify the things that add unnecessary complexity, busy-ness, and overwhelm to your life and work. What really matters to you, and what hijacks your time and energy away from those things?
2. Create a plan to reduce or eliminate those things. (This may involve some grief and loss.)
3. Identify things that are most efficient and effective, the things that make the most difference toward helping you accomplish what really matters.
4. Create a plan to maximize those things.
5. Put boundaries in place to protect these changes.

Cinthia shared several verses from Proverbs that offer simple principles we can use to identify what is helping or hurting us, including Proverbs 10:9, 10:17, 14:15, 16:25, 27:6, and 27:12.  She also offered some questions to ask ourselves, such as the following:  Have I considered the possible outcomes for my course of action, or am I just excited about an idea and hoping that it works?  Do I think I am the exception to a rule in some area?  Sometimes we need to relearn basic truths about God in order to be able to let go of things that are getting in the way of what is best for us.  God’s heart is never geared toward depriving us or taking away what is truly good; He wants the best for us.  But sometimes we hold on to what we think is best, and it keeps us from enjoying the gifts He really wants to give us.  So find some verses or sayings and implement them into your life.  Remind yourself of what you know.  Don’t just let life happen to you.  Be committed to yourself—to your actual good, not your immediate gratification.  The more committed you are to yourself, the less it will take to maintain and care for yourself over time. 

The Paradox of Time

Human beings are locked in time while we live on the earth, and we used to know it.  The sun went down, and people could no longer see to continue working, which meant they had to end the day’s work and rest.  Time used to pace us, just as our bodies used to do.  Now, however, we seem to be in a game against time.  Our technology allows us to multitask at unprecedented levels.  We move faster and are not even aware of the moments in which we exist.  We regret the past, reliving what we cannot change, and we rush ahead into the future, planning and conquering moments that have not yet arrived -- and, when they do arrive, we are already in the next set of moments.  Our minds can go places that our bodies cannot go, and our bodies are exhausted by struggling and being left behind.  We watch each other dissociate, splitting ourselves and failing to be present where we are; this is hard on our psyches.

Time is a set condition, albeit one we fail to honor in the modern era.  Time is on its own journey and has its own calling.  It is bound by Something much bigger than we are.  We are under the impression now that we manage and control  time, but, in reality, we can only respect or disrespect it.  We are arrogant to think that we can control time; this is a containment issue.  It is tragic to die without having lived, but how can we take advantage of time when we do not respect it?  Time is on our side, in a way; its existence means that we each have time.  Would you find it easy to waste what you knew was yours, or would you capitalize on it?  The existence of time gives each of us time to change, time to live, time to seek God, time to spend.  God does not often tell us how much time we each have, but we only have so much.  Time is like a Rubik’s cube; no matter how we work it, we never seem to be able to get it the way we really want it to be.

Learning to respect time involves learning to accept the past as something we cannot change.  We must learn to forgive our parents and others who made mistakes that hurt us, and it often helps to recognize that most of them probably wanted to do well by us.  The present can be changed, but the past has to be faced, healed, forgiven, accepted, etc.

There is a difference between living and existing.  Learning to respect time means learning to appreciate the amazing fact that God uses us to reveal Himself.  He may do it through our strengths or our weaknesses, but there is no greater purpose.  He is a God of paradox, though not of moral contradictions.  God can work through all or none of what we have.  He is a God of relationship who deals well with the gray areas and the complications, despite His own perfection and faithfulness.

Cinthia discussed an article by Steve Bloom in which he pointed out that we often go through our days as if we had no power to change our lives for the better.  Drifting through life can seem like less work, but it is quite lonely and, in the long-run, more difficult than using time well.  Have you ever tried to dance with someone who will not dance?  The difference between living and existing has a lot to do with how much control you have over your own life and from where you see that control coming.  There is a difference between hoping and steering.  We do not get to determine everything that comes our way, but we do get to decide whether we show up and how much control to give to different emotions, etc.  Merely existing can involve staying in lives we dislike simply out of a lack of hope.  Cinthia stated, “I would rather you mess up and have a story about how you messed up than to have no story.”  Coveting others’ lives and blessings can also be a way of wasting our own time.

Time is always going the same way, and there will be a day when it stops.  Time is something you own in a sense; it is your time.  We can think of our days as tickets we spend.  Are you learning the lessons that time is trying to teach you so that you can move on to the next lesson?  The hallmark of a fool is that he never hears; he is so caught up in his own way of thinking that he repeats his own folly and just blames others.  Each of us dies as a sole person. 

 Time is a gift from God, and using time wisely is a way of honoring the Giver.  Do you love the gift more than the Giver?  Do you want His blessings more than you want Him?  What does God have to show you about time?  What most tempts you to waste time? You cannot know how much time you have, but there is a limit.  Time is a friend; it paces us, directs us, shows us the next steps.  There will come a day when there is no time; we will be timeless.  But right now you have today.  Do the things that need to be done in time. 

How Much Does Your Pleasure Cost Others?

When we do not take responsibility for being the best versions of ourselves, we often move toward pleasure to mitigate the pain.  Now, pleasure is not bad -- it’s great, actually.  But pleasure always has a price.  Sometimes the price is worth paying, but, when we are using pleasure to mitigate pain, we often pay more than we acknowledge ourselves to be losing for our pleasure.  Not only that, but we inflict a cost on others, sometimes without even being aware we are doing it.

A primary concept in today’s broadcast is that good character understands and respects the price of pleasure.  Furthermore, good character qualities actually produce emotional, intellectual, spiritual, relational, and physical benefits.  Consider the price of an addiction to yourself and to others versus the cost and eventual benefits of sobriety.  Becoming a sober-minded person also has a cost, but, in the long-run, the gain is larger and the cost (for you and for others) less than that of continuing to be dominated by addiction as a way to deal with pain.

Pain is real.  Pain management, when done morally, is the best antidote and possible cure for pain in this living world.  It isn’t easy, though; that’s the problem.  What do you need to do to deal with your pain?  How do you do that?  And what is your alternative?  How much does it cost you to constantly be wanting to feel good, to need pleasure and propping up at all times?  Pain is real, but is your antidote too costly for you and others?  Consistently moving toward pleasure, especially pleasure without work, causes you to be a deductor rather than a contributor in others’ lives.  Do you show up at the party wanting only to receive, or do you show up expecting to contribute in some way to the overall positive experience that people have there?  We can even have this attitude about salvation, appreciating Jesus’s death and resurrection for our salvation but not doing much to help others experience His love since our salvation is covered.

Cinthia read II Timothy 3:1-5 from the New Living Translation, which includes a lengthy list of disturbing character traits that would become prevalent in the last days, and an encouragement not to invest our time and energy in relationships with people who primarily influence us toward those things.  Human beings influence one another.  We teach each other by example, give license to each other by what we do.  We learn from each other all the time.  In the modern era we tend to reject the idea that we each have a responsibility to society, confusing it with codependency or carrying the world on our shoulders.  But we each have influence, and we each have a responsibility to own that influence.  We all lead and follow, teach and are taught, even when we strive not to do one of those things.  Doing any of them well requires humility.  Your life really matters.  Even if you don’t want to be seen, that sends a message.  Bad behaviors weaken the person we were meant to be.  You are a once-occurring person in the history of the universe, and you are responsible for the version of yourself that you choose to be and for the ways that influences those around you. 

Discernment is important, and we can learn to be more discerning.  Discernment involves learning to see what is beneath the surface, judging well, seeing past illusions into the reality that underlies them.  It involves seeing things that are easy to overlook, things that appear to be inconsequential.  It also involves knowing when to ignore the loudest part of what is happening when that part is only a distraction from more important pieces.  Discernment is considered a virtue in Christianity.  It gives us the ability to identify the voice of Wisdom and follow her at any cost.  James 1:5 says that, if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God.  The Holy Spirit can give us wisdom.  One way to practice discernment is to pay attention to information from all three “brains:” the head, the heart, and the gut.  The head helps us with factual information, logic, making sense of things.  The heart experiences feelings, which give us information our brains may not have noticed and help us sort out levels of importance.  The gut can alert us to warning signals of which the head and heart were not aware.  Discernment requires time; it works best when you do not rush into judgments. 

Remember, discernment helps us recognize wisdom so we can follow her regardless of the cost.  Crave discernment.  Take your time, and don’t rush into judgment, even of yourself.  Ask God for wisdom, and let your Creator help you to become the version of yourself that He meant you to be.